To Hellas and Back

by Lana Penrose

When Lana's gorgeous boyfriend Dion is offered his dream job in Athens, it seems like the perfect opportunity to share an unforgettable experience abroad. But this is one travel adventure that doesn't go quite to plan. For an energetic party girl, life in the sun-drenched cradle of civilization turns out to be anything but idyllic. Lana struggles to learn Greek words past 'hello' and 'pencil', to articulate beyond giggling and pointing, and to find a hairdresser who doesn't leave her with a hairdo the size of a grand piano. Meanwhile, Dion is loving every minute of his new life working long hours and seemingly moving further and further from her reach just when she needs him the most. At once hilariously funny and deeply moving, this is a cross-cultural love story with the whole catastrophe - a big fat Greek wedding, a son-worshipping mother-in-law, a fast-crumbling psyche, the best gay pal a girl could ever hope for, and an unexpected ending. To Hellas & Back is a heart-warming tale of one woman's journey through love, loneliness and culture shock set to the soundtrack of screaming bouzoukia and a million blasting car horns.

342 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

I have three books available worldwide - 'To Hellas & Back', 'Kickstart My Heart' and 'Addicted to Love'. The first two were originally published by Penguin/Viking. Now everything's available through Amazon. Check it! They're really quite good. You'll have to trust me on that. Or just buy them and resent me for it.

Set in Greece, 'To Hellas & Back' is a tricky true tale of love and intrigue. Kind of. I guess it's intriguing in that it involves dog attacks, gypsy curses, spitting at infants and public gropings. There's tears, laughter, heartache and minor gynaecological concerns. I'm often reduced to little more than a shrugging mute. It's sort of like 'Eat Pray Love' face-plowing into a steaming mound of moussaka. What else? Um. It was a bestseller and received critical acclaim (see my website lanapenrose.com.au for details.)

My second book 'Kickstart My Heart' details my spectacular ability to deal with an agonising breakup like Bridget Jones with an axe through her head. I sort of transitioned into Suzi Quatro. Read it and weep. Or laugh at my expense.

'Addicted to Love' is a mini memoir which closes my travel/love trilogy.

I'm a former record company whore, music journalist and music TV producer. I've been known for my affiliations with the pop elite. But mostly I'm a drunken idiot who comes home late at night to dance wildly in front of the mirror after eating the remains of a chicken carcass.

www.lanapenrose.com.au

Search for Lana Penrose at:
www.amazon.com
www.amazon.co.uk
www.smashwords.com

Reviews

[Daphne Racoon · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book came to my possession quite randomly - it was part of a little giveaway shelf in a "Green Library" event in a park in Sofia, Bulgaria. Being Greek and having a Greek-Australian boyfriend I was, hey, what a coincidence, let's see what this is about. I started reading it as a joke, having glanced at the cover and description and made a quick judgement about its contents (I was absolutely right). At first I intended to skim through it, but as I turned the pages, I got determined to find out how much more horrific the next chapter would be. I will be sincere - the whole time I was thinking of how caustic my review could be.

The author narrates in exquisite detail her tragic tale of her moving to Greece due to her boyfriend finding a job there. The book is filled with meek attempts at creating something not even closely resembling humour, as well as a quite meticulous description of her mental downfall and denial to fit it in this "bitch of a country".
She must truly believe that transcribing the Greek, Maltese and New Zealand accents as "Whut ees thees", "Multa" and "Yis" is hilarious. Not to mention the terrible exaggeration of the Greek way of life, with which I assure you I am quite accustomed to and let's face it: it's not that atrocious, Lana.

One of my favourite humouristic excerpts:

[...] I found the Greek language utterly perplexing. Nouns were divided into feminine, masculine and 'eunuch', if not hermaphrodite.

And another one:

The fresh air knocked me out, and everything else about Australia that I'd once taken for granted stuck out like a pair of oversized elephant's testicles.

The book continuously tested how hard a person can facepalm and above all, my patience. I read it to the very end though, because I despise stating my opinion without having fully read any book.
I still struggle to understand why the author/heroine chose to be a full-time bimbo during her short-lived Greek tragedy, while she had everything one could ask for. I also got the feeling that half of the book is written like an essay a 3rd grader prepared for school, with random facts about Greece and its culture spouted along the narration.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking this book as an offense for my country. I'm not that fond of it myself. It offends the whole of humanity just by having been published.

If you enjoy reading about a "so bored" individual's thoughts, leg hair plucking, mild cursing in caps, crude humour, unjustified self-pity and pointless dialogues, then please go ahead and read this book. If you're Greek, have a sense of humour and value your brain cells, please don't go anywhere near this book.
What a complete waste of paper.

[Juliana · Rating 1 out of 5]

Self indulgent rubbish, I can’t believe this book was published..
It was just all about a girl who had the world at her feet and whinged about it...
Just when you thought she was actually going to tell you about something, place restaurant food,,,, No,,, she turned the whole story back on to herself...

[Lana Penrose · Rating 5 out of 5]

What the critics said:

Travel vicariously through Lana Penrose.
Vogue

You’ll laugh ‘til you cry.
Cleo

Served up with generous lashings of comedy and wit.
That’s Life

A hilarious and memorable read.
Famous Magazine

Lana tells us how she copes (or not) with humour and honesty.
Woman’s Day

A heart-warming tale through love, loneliness and a big fat Greek wedding to boot.
She Said

Breaks down the ‘code of silence’ regarding overseas experiences.
TNT Magazine, London

Riddled with catastrophe and contrasted with humour.
Borders Shortlist

A story for today.
The Sydney Morning Herald

A classic fish out of water, cross-cultural love story with all the trimmings.
Melbourne Herald Sun

Has all the trappings of an enthralling summer read.
Sydney Telegraph / Melbourne Herald Sun

An eventual coming to terms with differentness, a dawning of self-realisation.
Weekend Australian

Anyone who has experienced going from vibrant to dependant will empathise with Penrose.
Sunday Herald Sun

In a word: Escapist.
Weekend Gold Coast Bulletin

Hilarious and tragic. A joy to read. Thoroughly recommended.
Mount Barker Courier

Refreshingly honest and downright funny.
Bendigo Advertiser Weekender

A hilarious and poignant cross-cultural love story.
Angus & Robertson Recommended Stories

Charming and hilarious.
Dymocks Booklovers

[Tibbles · Rating 2 out of 5]

I tell you what, I was set to give this one star. The whole book was just moaning about her situation. I couldn’t help but be angry. Not because I am a Greek Australian, but because the Author had the whole world at her fingertips. That history! That food! European countries right at the door step! I get it, she is an Extrovert and really did try to make friends but I just felt her effort to learn the language and assimilate into the culture was lacking in effort. Quick to judge. Very spoilt approach. However, the next part of the book filled me with such sadness. The Author does explain she was high maintenance and that this was hard on her ex husband at the time. Yep. Sure. It would have been. However, they went on the adventure with the mindset and plan to stay for a year and Lana graciously accepted another year despite her difficulties. I became furious with Dion. He proposed to her, wanted to spend his future with her, knowing full well that the plan was... only to then become cold and callous and not communicate what was wrong. Poor Lana!! Her world was ripped from under her. She fell in love with a lie. To go from “hey, we’ll do this for 1-2yrs max.... yay we’re ready for kids.” To..... “screw you, I want to live here the rest of my life... like it or lump it.... actually don’t like it because I’ve totally fallen out of love with you, your effort to like the place is a little too late.” He made NO effort to rekindle what they had and for that, I definitely could understand Lana a whole lot more. This was written quite some time ago... if you’re out there and read this... I hope you are happy. You truly deserve it and deserve to have someone in your life who respects you and consults you on life changing plans. Peace out.

[Reader · Rating 1 out of 5]

My goodness, what a special little snowflake Lana Penrose is.

Moves to Greece to follow her boyfriend/husband, doesn’t like Greece, sits in her apartment and sulks like a whining child for four years because everyone doesn’t fawn over her and pander to her and then is surprised when her husband tells her it’s over. The only moments of joy she seems to experience is getting absolutely shitfaced with her much younger friend or hanging out with a limping almost famous radio DJ.

It’s a good book for a laugh about how entitled and racist a person can be.

[Helen Dugdale Peacock · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn’t really go anywhere, it certainly was a Greek tragedy….Lana came across as very immature, clinging to her Greek god of a boyfriend and became increasingly annoying. Hopefully writing the book added to her therapy.

[Nicole M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Throughly enjoyed this book. I couldn’t put it down! I went through every up and down with Lana. And it was as though I was in Greece with her. I hope she happy now!

[Sue Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

When Australian-born Lana Penrose’s boyfriend Dion is offered the job of a lifetime in radio in Athens they are thrilled. Lana sees it as an opportunity to have a sabbatical, take a well-earned break from a hectic career and discover the joys of Greece.

Like all good Greek tragedies things start to unravel fairly quickly when they arrive in Athens and Lana discovers an inability to grasp learning Greek and a dislike for feta cheese. “For me, English was my one and only idiom and it seemed that the vernacular part of my brain was welded shut” says Penrose ruefully. Meanwhile Dion enthusiastically rediscovers and embraces his Greek heritage.

Lana is not allowed to work in Greece which meant she had time on her hands, living in a country that she experiences as confusing, unwelcoming and sometimes frightening. To Hellas and Back is dedicated to “The Displaced” which reflects how Penrose felt for those 4 years in Athens.

Penrose describes her slow decline into depression and despair as she fails to assimilate and over-come her culture-shock. She spends lonely hours unsuccessfully trying to find friends and a purpose to fill her days. She describes her new-found obsessions with ironing and hair removal and the slow disintegration of her relationship with raw truth and humour.

This is no pity-party though and her honest and raw account of her life in Athens is told with wit and a healthy ability to laugh at her struggles. Penrose’s advice to those about to embark on a similar journey is “to read ‘To Hellas and Back’ and do the opposite of everything I did. In that way, you’re guaranteed happiness!”

She says that To Hellas and Back began as an idea for a guidebook for those visiting Athens – full of pith, wit and wisdom. It somehow evolved into a memoir that was first published by Penguin. This is a funny and poignant story that will make you laugh and cry.

[Viv Ross · Rating 4 out of 5]

To begin with, I won this book via a giveaway hosted by GoodReads.
As I said before, I'm not generally a fan of biographies of any kind. This book hasn't necessarily changed my mind, but it certainly IS the exception. I really enjoyed it!

I'm no stranger to feelings of forced solitude and ostracism. Since I was in kindergarten I have felt like a transplant to a foreign country (in the figurative sense). I was the the kid nobody wanted to be friends with and God help you if you broke the unspoken rule and tried to be my friends. As selfless and pure as kids can be, they can be equally cruel. As a pre-teen and teen I became thoroughly depressed. Nobody knew. For me, this was life as I was used to it.
This book gave me a view to the other side. Someone with popularity, success, and a blooming social life was suddenly thrust into unfamiliar territory both literally AND figuratively. I laughed, sympathized from and outsider's point of view, and shook my head at turns. As an outsider, I slowly recognized the signs of impending doom; and, with all the futility of a couch bound Superbowl spectator, mentally shouted warnings to Lana of the approaching disaster. I wanted to cry, I wanted to help, I wanted things to have been different.
What I wanted doesn't matter much I suppose, and if things HAD been different I probably would not have had the blessed chance to read this book. In the end Lana did win, even if it was a slightly damaged victory. I look forward to reading "Kickstart My Heart" and hope that Lana kept her humor which I so enjoy.

Thank you, GoodReads and Lana Penrose, for this opportunity!

[Jennifer Barclay · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to admit I have mixed feelings about recommending this book. I kept wanting Lana to find some kind of happiness, and that's not what this book is really about - as the title suggests. However, it has lots to recommend it.
Firstly, it is extremely funny in places - the author has an enviable gift for humorous writing, and I loved her ideas for campaigns to retrieve the Elgin Marbles or save the loggerhead turtle.
Secondly, she makes some brilliant observations. A couple of them I noted as I liked them so much. The first was: 'nuts as it all was, the bizarre parking rituals, kamikaze driving styles and flagrant contempt for the law felt strangely liberating.' That brought back exactly how I felt when I lived in Athens after leaving university - liberated by a country that didn't take itself too seriously.
The other one is something that I shake my head about all the time, the paradox of '...the Greeks' fastidiousness within their own homes and their tendency to toss their refuse into the outside world with as much gusto as carnations around a bouzoukia nightclub' - brilliant! As she says, few locals seem to ponder whether a plastic lid might choke an unsuspecting dolphin to death. It's sad but true.
So, although Lana doesn't enjoy the adventure of living somewhere different, she does make some astute observations of the culture she finds herself in, and I could completely sympathise with her need to let go with a few drinks and a night of dancing, when all around her sit primly sipping coffee. I wish it felt like a more positive book, but that's perhaps my own personal preference, not hers.

[Anthea · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciated the point of view for this book. It would be extrememly difficult to uplift everything you know of your life from one country and try to make the best of things in a completely new foreign country. Very confronting to read of a character facing depression during a time when the world should have been at her feet. But I sympathise with her, I don't feel frustration that she couldn't make the most out of a new life in a beautiful country. The writing was so honest that I too felt isolated while I read, trying to imagine the situation had I been put in it. Here is also a great example of once again failing in the marriage vows, for better or for worse. What is once a happy relationship, it's interesting to see it fall apart once the journey is going upward for only 1 in the partnership. Definitely would recommend a read. And I did certainly have a chuckle in places too.

[Luci · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book more than I thought I would. It is well written and funny. Penrose has a very observant eye and many of her anecdotes on Greece, the people and the culture are pretty spot on (and I grew up in this culture so I know). She is kind to Greece and her ex (as there is no harping rather a sad and resigned tone). I disagree with some of the reviews --- I can't imagine that culture shock doesn't happen to others and I don't think she comes across as spoiled. I actually liked this book more than those by Jen Lancaster (who writes the same type of witty autobiographical stuff). Entertaining if you want to learn about Greece and like the modern women adventure autobiographies/chick lit genre.

[Stacy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I won this book as a FirstRead.

To Hellas and Back is a memoir of Lana Penrose's time spent in Greece, after her boyfriend is offered a job running a radio station there. She has a flourish for writing so that you feel her emotions and laugh along at the funny parts. I kept hoping things would turn out well for her, but given that the subtitle calls it a modern-day Greek tragedy, it wasn't meant to be. I was glad that she met some people who made her experience in Greece not a totally bad time.

[Victoria · Rating 2 out of 5]

I agree with Juliana.

This book was full of complaints.

WORLD AT HER FEET! She was in a beautiful country full of culture ..something she should have embraces and explored...but NOTHING!

I was in Borders last week and do you believe they reprinted this rubbish with a new cover!!!....what a waste of paper.

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book....even though she did a lot of complaining if you read right to the end she realises her miserable time had a lot to do with her emotional state and not the attitude of the Greek People at all. So for those who felt put off halfway through...read to the end...Lana knows she was rather Tragic during her stay. I got a good giggle out of this and shed a few tears too

[Angel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to say that this is one of the best books I've ever read. I couldn't put it down. It was both hilarious and courageous, it was honest and it said a great deal about the human spirit. Highly recommended.

[Aaron · Rating 5 out of 5]

A funny and hilarious book. A nice read for my train ride in to work. It has the sarcastic look on moving abroad with all its pit falls, which I myself have experienced. If you read till the end you will really enjoy the book.

[Deborah · Rating 3 out of 5]

As one of the other reviewers said, the author is the anti Shirley Valentine. She admitted she was in a bad place which made her feel like she was in a bad place. That being said, Greece is a wonderful place to visit and I would go back any time but, I don't think I would want to live there.

[Gabrielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was full of terrible puns, unfunny jokes, and juvenile writing style. It was trashy, but in the way that makes it so hard to put down. If you have low standards and want an addictive beach read then this is your book

[Raquel · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was pretty good. At times it felt like it was dragging its feet, especially towards the end, but overall a decent read with some funny moments.

[Ryan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great and funny book. This isn't my normal type of book to read but after borrowing this of a friend I found the a witty and thoughtful book. Its definitely a book to read on holiday...a good read.

[Markie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good read!!! I particularly enjoyed the Greek setting!!! Brought back memories of my 2 visits to Greece!!! I've studied Greek and Greece because of my interest in Biblical Studies!!!

[Sarah · Rating 1 out of 5]

Terrible, sturggled to get to the anti climatic end

[Rodel · Rating 5 out of 5]

very nice and wonderful.

[Tiffany · Rating 2 out of 5]

Depressing.