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A Son Is a Son Till He Gets a Wife: How Toxic Daughters-in-Law Destroy Families
I know this is a curious title, and people who have never experienced the rejection of a son at his wife's behest won't understand it.But those who have been through this experience-whose sons have married and turned against them as if they were dirt after all the years of love and care the parents gave them-will rejoice at finding this book and knowing they aren't alone.Actually, the desertion of parents by married sons is not uncommon. Would that it were! Almost every psychologist or counselor with whom I have talked knows of several instances in which it has happened. They speak of the great sorrow and agitation of the parents, mother and father alike, who can't understand why a child has turned against them.ANNE KATHRYN KILLINGER has been a concert pianist, a college professor, a Parisian model, and the wife of a widely known clergyman. She has lived in Boston, New York, Los Angeles, Nashville, Birmingham, Paris, and Oxford, and now resides near Washington, DC. She is also the author of An Inner Journey to Christmas and An Inner Journey to Easter, as well as the novels, Pendleton Farm and Rachel Remembers.
253 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 16, 2010
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
April 6, 2015
"Girls should be taught that they owe something to their husbands' families as well as their own, and should be drilled in the mantra, 'When in doubt, respect!' Boys should be warned that they may marry girls who will instinctively try to put a wedge between them and their families, and trained in how to cope with such situations when they arise."
This book is...
...interesting.
Let's go with "interesting."
This vividly written book chronicles the estrangement of the author and her husband from their son, Richard, who peeled away from them during his engagement to his second wife, Monica. Killinger lays the responsibility for the estrangement on Monica, whom she paints as a wealthy, status-obsessed control freak who wanted Richard all to herself. She goes on to explain that toxic daughters-in-law ("strong, ruthless women," "controlling vixens") are a frequent cause of family breakdowns, and illustrates her point with a series of remarkably context-free vignettes based on parishioners who went to her husband, a pastor, for confidential counseling.
Killinger depicts Monica as a real pill, but Killinger's own behavior suggests that maybe Monica wasn't the only cause of the estrangement. Shortly before the wedding, the relationship between the parents and the couple was already strained. Richard told his father, a pastor, that he didn't want his father performing the service. Anne Kathryn Killinger pitched a fit and threatened not to come to the wedding at all. Richard wrote back to tell her that she should do as she saw fit, but she was always welcome to attend. Killinger said, "We couldn't believe we had painted ourselves into a corner and they wouldn't rescue us. Surely, I thought, they would be horrified at the suggestion that we might not attend, and would insist that we come."
And then she sat back and waited for them to ask again, or for Monica's mother to contact her. No contact came. On the day of the wedding, Killinger and her husband stayed home and ceremonially buried the young couple's photograph "as a ritual of exorcism to put the whole business behind us."
Some years later, Richard and Monica reestablished the relationship. It didn't go as well as the parents hoped, though. Their solution was to invite the couple to their house for Richard's birthday dinner, then after dinner the father called them into his study and gave them a talking-to. The parents were appalled that it backfired.
As accounts by estranged parents go, this book is typical: "It happened to me, therefore it's the worst thing in the world and everything possible should be done to fix it," combined with "It's all my daughter/son-in-law's fault, my baby and I were so close until she/he stole them away and brainwashed them" and a soupçon of "also, feminism is bad for reasons." (Main reason: "Feminism gave women power over men, and if my daughter-in-law didn't have that power, my son would never have left me.")
As advice for estranged parents, it's a bust. Killinger's recommendations boil down to, "Make sure it doesn't happen to you." She doesn't know what caused her own estrangement, and the way she tells other estranged parents' stories, she doesn't have any clue what to look for, nor does she have any clear idea that the parents' previous actions might have a bearing on the adult children's current behavior. She can't even make meaningful distinctions between types of daughters-in-law--she lumps together women who are enmeshed with their own parents, women who are "just plain mean," and women who are rock-bottom, floor-cleaner-drinking alcoholics. It's an unintentional insight into the mind of someone who classifies people solely by how they affect her.
As a psychological study, A Son Is a Son is unintentionally intriguing. As a source of solace and self-justification for estranged parents who don't really want to reconcile with their children, it's excellent. As a self-help book for parents who want to reconcile, it's awful.
This book is...
...interesting.
Let's go with "interesting."
This vividly written book chronicles the estrangement of the author and her husband from their son, Richard, who peeled away from them during his engagement to his second wife, Monica. Killinger lays the responsibility for the estrangement on Monica, whom she paints as a wealthy, status-obsessed control freak who wanted Richard all to herself. She goes on to explain that toxic daughters-in-law ("strong, ruthless women," "controlling vixens") are a frequent cause of family breakdowns, and illustrates her point with a series of remarkably context-free vignettes based on parishioners who went to her husband, a pastor, for confidential counseling.
Killinger depicts Monica as a real pill, but Killinger's own behavior suggests that maybe Monica wasn't the only cause of the estrangement. Shortly before the wedding, the relationship between the parents and the couple was already strained. Richard told his father, a pastor, that he didn't want his father performing the service. Anne Kathryn Killinger pitched a fit and threatened not to come to the wedding at all. Richard wrote back to tell her that she should do as she saw fit, but she was always welcome to attend. Killinger said, "We couldn't believe we had painted ourselves into a corner and they wouldn't rescue us. Surely, I thought, they would be horrified at the suggestion that we might not attend, and would insist that we come."
And then she sat back and waited for them to ask again, or for Monica's mother to contact her. No contact came. On the day of the wedding, Killinger and her husband stayed home and ceremonially buried the young couple's photograph "as a ritual of exorcism to put the whole business behind us."
Some years later, Richard and Monica reestablished the relationship. It didn't go as well as the parents hoped, though. Their solution was to invite the couple to their house for Richard's birthday dinner, then after dinner the father called them into his study and gave them a talking-to. The parents were appalled that it backfired.
As accounts by estranged parents go, this book is typical: "It happened to me, therefore it's the worst thing in the world and everything possible should be done to fix it," combined with "It's all my daughter/son-in-law's fault, my baby and I were so close until she/he stole them away and brainwashed them" and a soupçon of "also, feminism is bad for reasons." (Main reason: "Feminism gave women power over men, and if my daughter-in-law didn't have that power, my son would never have left me.")
As advice for estranged parents, it's a bust. Killinger's recommendations boil down to, "Make sure it doesn't happen to you." She doesn't know what caused her own estrangement, and the way she tells other estranged parents' stories, she doesn't have any clue what to look for, nor does she have any clear idea that the parents' previous actions might have a bearing on the adult children's current behavior. She can't even make meaningful distinctions between types of daughters-in-law--she lumps together women who are enmeshed with their own parents, women who are "just plain mean," and women who are rock-bottom, floor-cleaner-drinking alcoholics. It's an unintentional insight into the mind of someone who classifies people solely by how they affect her.
As a psychological study, A Son Is a Son is unintentionally intriguing. As a source of solace and self-justification for estranged parents who don't really want to reconcile with their children, it's excellent. As a self-help book for parents who want to reconcile, it's awful.
February 14, 2022
Reached for this book because I wanted insight into a difficult daughter-in-law situation. Read the reviews, but still wanted to give the book a chance. Sadly, the reviews were all spot-on.
* The entire book is a diatribe, a harangue on the author's son and daughter-in-law.
* One's presence at a wedding is showing support for one's major life event, even if you don't agree.
* Author, while poetically writing descriptions, is ultimately killing her relationship with her daughter-in-law.
* What did the author contribute to the problems? We don't know because it wasn't described. But we can guess if one of her choices was to write a book documenting her daughter-in-law's evil actions.
* How would YOU feel if your mother-in-law wrote a book titled "Toxic Daughters-in-Law"?
I could go on, but will stop. I did not feel good after I read this book, nor did I gain how to improve the relationship. I did gain one point: A son is key to being the mediator.
Otherwise, this book mostly serves as story-telling on in-law horror stories, and the author's self-tribute.
Edit: was curious who the author was since she doesn't merely give hints to who she and her family is but describes them in great detail. Found her husband, a pastor. Here he also goes into great detail as to the offenses of his son and daughter-in-law.
https://www.familyaccessfightingforch...
God's word says when there is a disagreement between two parties, they should be approached privately. If there is no resolution, another party can come to help reconcile. It never says "and if that doesn't work, just tell the whole world by writing a one-sided book on the first party's offenses." This could never promote healing.
I bought this book looking for how to heal relationships and biblical insight. Sadly, this book is merely the author's justification for not liking the daughter-in-law. The decision by the parents to not attend the wedding was the first step to the break, and the parents' subsequent decisions to continually document their injustices (publications and online!!!) only show why the son and daughter-in-law have stayed away.
Thank God He does not publish our mistakes and sins. We need to follow suit if there is any hope of healing.
* The entire book is a diatribe, a harangue on the author's son and daughter-in-law.
* One's presence at a wedding is showing support for one's major life event, even if you don't agree.
* Author, while poetically writing descriptions, is ultimately killing her relationship with her daughter-in-law.
* What did the author contribute to the problems? We don't know because it wasn't described. But we can guess if one of her choices was to write a book documenting her daughter-in-law's evil actions.
* How would YOU feel if your mother-in-law wrote a book titled "Toxic Daughters-in-Law"?
I could go on, but will stop. I did not feel good after I read this book, nor did I gain how to improve the relationship. I did gain one point: A son is key to being the mediator.
Otherwise, this book mostly serves as story-telling on in-law horror stories, and the author's self-tribute.
Edit: was curious who the author was since she doesn't merely give hints to who she and her family is but describes them in great detail. Found her husband, a pastor. Here he also goes into great detail as to the offenses of his son and daughter-in-law.
https://www.familyaccessfightingforch...
God's word says when there is a disagreement between two parties, they should be approached privately. If there is no resolution, another party can come to help reconcile. It never says "and if that doesn't work, just tell the whole world by writing a one-sided book on the first party's offenses." This could never promote healing.
I bought this book looking for how to heal relationships and biblical insight. Sadly, this book is merely the author's justification for not liking the daughter-in-law. The decision by the parents to not attend the wedding was the first step to the break, and the parents' subsequent decisions to continually document their injustices (publications and online!!!) only show why the son and daughter-in-law have stayed away.
Thank God He does not publish our mistakes and sins. We need to follow suit if there is any hope of healing.
May 16, 2020
I struggled thru this book. The author admits she made threats to her 40-ish yr old son and when he doesn't let her get by with it she turns around and blames the consequence of her actions entirely on the DIL; I was disturbed that the author and her minister husband took counseling sessions with his parishioners and used them in the book; I found the author's labeling of DIL's as evil, narcissist, and power mad became demeaning; the author's admission that on the day of the son's wedding she and her minister husband stayed home and buried the young couple's photographs "as a ritual of exorcism to put the whole business behind us." is not the definition of the fair mindedness the author demands of others nor a reasonable action to have done. In the end I felt the author is an angry woman stating her point of view is the only point of view. I was an angry woman but recognized the problem is not with my DIL or my SIL but are a compilation of lifelong interactions with all. There are always two sides to every story and in the case of adult children with spouses/mates there are multiple sides. I'm seeking guidance and knowledge but didn't find any in this book.
December 28, 2017
Great book...
I can't believe others rated this 1 star. I found this book at the most appropriate time...my daughter in law has gradually turned my son and grandchildren against me. The stories in this book made me feel I am not alone in this sad journey without my son. I have done & said some things I regret but none so bad that deserves not being forgiven and cut off totally.
I can't believe others rated this 1 star. I found this book at the most appropriate time...my daughter in law has gradually turned my son and grandchildren against me. The stories in this book made me feel I am not alone in this sad journey without my son. I have done & said some things I regret but none so bad that deserves not being forgiven and cut off totally.
April 30, 2022
A Painful but Helpful Exploration of Family Estrangement
If you have experienced a family breach, this book is enlightening because it explores many family estrangements and the role of your child’s partner in this situation. It will bring back all of the pain of such family ruptures, but it will also help to learn how to deal with the family pain.
If you have experienced a family breach, this book is enlightening because it explores many family estrangements and the role of your child’s partner in this situation. It will bring back all of the pain of such family ruptures, but it will also help to learn how to deal with the family pain.
January 26, 2021
This book certainly conveys the pain in such a loss but minimizes the complexities involved in both sides of the equation. The tone is self-serving and assumes a set of values that reflect a specific cultural outlook. Not to say they are not worthy, but many hold other values that create complexities and motivations that this book sees as negative.
September 5, 2018
All I can say is if you have a son, this is a must read if you find yourself asking, what happened to the child I brought home, still love so much, and raised.
A MUST read.
A MUST read.
March 29, 2022
I've read a lot of the other reviews and many of them are not kind. They say the book serves no purpose except as a psychological study and is nothing more than a platform for the author's complaints about her daughter-in-law. They aren't completely wrong, but they aren't completely right.
From the beginning the author says she offers no solutions, that the book was a way for her to sort through her own pain and confusion and that she hoped it might help others simply by allowing them to see that they are not the only one. In my opinion, she accomplished those two things admirably. By the end of the book she seems to have found a measure of peace for herself and as it was beyond comforting to me, to read all the stories and see that I am not alone in this type of situation, that I am not crazy, or all the things I've been accused of was very freeing in a way. My guess is that those who condemn the book as worthless have never been through anything similar or are the other side of the coin...the daughter-in-law.
I am sure that in every story there are two sides and that no one party does absolutely everything the right way. All are human, flawed, and incapable of perfection. Mistakes made probably run toward not dealing with situations promptly or in the right way...or being totally clueless about how to handle them at all. The perception of ALL parties probably comes into play, as well. The author couldn't very well present any side of the story but her own as her son and daughter-in-law shutdown and withdrew rather than communicating what the real problem was. Still, I think she explored the possibility that she and her husband could have done something wrong and at the bottom of everything was her desire to understand what happened, to correct her part in it, to understand how the son she had loved so much could have so coldly shut her out of his life.
So, no, the book doesn't really solve anything or tell you how to "fix" a broken relationship. The one take away seems to be that no matter what you do, sometimes there are broken people in this world who really are that insecure, that jealous, that selfish, that controlling. And every now and then there is one who is just hateful for no known reason (mental illness?). The author's advice to parents who have suffered this is to learn how to forgive for their own sakes and to find a way to move forward in their lives. They have suffered a loss as catastrophic as a death. There's a need to grieve but then they must find a new path. Life doesn't stop because things don't turn out the way we'd hoped. The book is definitely worth the read if you are a parent whose daughter-in-law has driven a wedge between you and your son.
From the beginning the author says she offers no solutions, that the book was a way for her to sort through her own pain and confusion and that she hoped it might help others simply by allowing them to see that they are not the only one. In my opinion, she accomplished those two things admirably. By the end of the book she seems to have found a measure of peace for herself and as it was beyond comforting to me, to read all the stories and see that I am not alone in this type of situation, that I am not crazy, or all the things I've been accused of was very freeing in a way. My guess is that those who condemn the book as worthless have never been through anything similar or are the other side of the coin...the daughter-in-law.
I am sure that in every story there are two sides and that no one party does absolutely everything the right way. All are human, flawed, and incapable of perfection. Mistakes made probably run toward not dealing with situations promptly or in the right way...or being totally clueless about how to handle them at all. The perception of ALL parties probably comes into play, as well. The author couldn't very well present any side of the story but her own as her son and daughter-in-law shutdown and withdrew rather than communicating what the real problem was. Still, I think she explored the possibility that she and her husband could have done something wrong and at the bottom of everything was her desire to understand what happened, to correct her part in it, to understand how the son she had loved so much could have so coldly shut her out of his life.
So, no, the book doesn't really solve anything or tell you how to "fix" a broken relationship. The one take away seems to be that no matter what you do, sometimes there are broken people in this world who really are that insecure, that jealous, that selfish, that controlling. And every now and then there is one who is just hateful for no known reason (mental illness?). The author's advice to parents who have suffered this is to learn how to forgive for their own sakes and to find a way to move forward in their lives. They have suffered a loss as catastrophic as a death. There's a need to grieve but then they must find a new path. Life doesn't stop because things don't turn out the way we'd hoped. The book is definitely worth the read if you are a parent whose daughter-in-law has driven a wedge between you and your son.
November 30, 2020
Going through something similar right now and when I read Miss Anne's book, I was dumbfounded. "There are others???!?!?" And I reached out to write Anne Kathryn Killinger, only to learn she was deceased. I don't know if she ever reconciled with her son - I hope so.
My two cents: If you have a situation like Miss Anne had and what I am facing right now: READ THIS BOOK. It is a warning of how a dysfunctional woman can tear up a family - and cost a mother her son.
This is not a "helocoptering" book of mother's woes: no, it's a heartbreaking collection of mothers who saw good sons, usually gentle or ones that don't ball up too well, get taken for a ride - financially, emotionally, physically - and their parents too.
Thank you, Anne Kathryn Killinger, for writing a book that needed to be written.
My two cents: If you have a situation like Miss Anne had and what I am facing right now: READ THIS BOOK. It is a warning of how a dysfunctional woman can tear up a family - and cost a mother her son.
This is not a "helocoptering" book of mother's woes: no, it's a heartbreaking collection of mothers who saw good sons, usually gentle or ones that don't ball up too well, get taken for a ride - financially, emotionally, physically - and their parents too.
Thank you, Anne Kathryn Killinger, for writing a book that needed to be written.
January 26, 2019
Deserves a lot more than 5 stars!
Unfortunately, can identify and relate to this book very well. Extremely well written and spots on about specific reasons and situations that are at the center of this hurtful situation.
Unfortunately, can identify and relate to this book very well. Extremely well written and spots on about specific reasons and situations that are at the center of this hurtful situation.
December 31, 2020
Excellent Book for Parents Who Have Lost Children to Marriage
There are no answers in this book, only the promise that we are not alone in this dilemma. I am going through a similar situation compounded by the fact that my daughter passed away at age six and my son was one of the main reasons I got through that loss. This loss of my son is tearing my already broken heart into more broken pieces.
There are no answers in this book, only the promise that we are not alone in this dilemma. I am going through a similar situation compounded by the fact that my daughter passed away at age six and my son was one of the main reasons I got through that loss. This loss of my son is tearing my already broken heart into more broken pieces.
May 19, 2021
A Son is a Son Till He Gets A Wife
I am going through this exact situation, reading it, I thought this could be me writing this book, similarities were uncanny. The book helped me immensely, knowing I am not alone and so many others are going through it as well.
I am going through this exact situation, reading it, I thought this could be me writing this book, similarities were uncanny. The book helped me immensely, knowing I am not alone and so many others are going through it as well.
February 13, 2022
so true, So Sad!
As an estranged grandmother this hurt my heart. I saw so much of my own story, sadly. It’s been just a year in this journey. Now to do as she suggests-move on. It’s so very hard.
As an estranged grandmother this hurt my heart. I saw so much of my own story, sadly. It’s been just a year in this journey. Now to do as she suggests-move on. It’s so very hard.
July 11, 2022
It's a Real Epidemic
This is a fantastic book that provided me much comfort. I highly recommend it to older parents who have suffered this kind of betrayal from weak and desperate about children.
This is a fantastic book that provided me much comfort. I highly recommend it to older parents who have suffered this kind of betrayal from weak and desperate about children.
January 24, 2023
I was interested in reading this book due to trouble with a new daughter-in-law. I cannot say that this helped in any way other than realizing lots of other people struggle with the same thing. It was very sad to read.
June 16, 2019
Me too
This book addressed so much of what I have experienced with my son and daughter in law. Nice to know I am not alone. The pain has been so deep.
This book addressed so much of what I have experienced with my son and daughter in law. Nice to know I am not alone. The pain has been so deep.
September 14, 2016
Healing
Different stores but one common thread is having to live with the pain and bewildering thoughts of why. Thank you Mrs. Kiplinger for sharing and helping myself and others to live again and grow past such awful experiences like this. God bless you and your husband!
Different stores but one common thread is having to live with the pain and bewildering thoughts of why. Thank you Mrs. Kiplinger for sharing and helping myself and others to live again and grow past such awful experiences like this. God bless you and your husband!
June 21, 2022
It’s 3 stars. Not because of writing style, storytelling ability, or logical content, but because it’s interesting. It’s interesting in the study of personality disorders and awareness.
All jokes aside, how can a parent give their child, which they love unconditionally, an ultimatum to change their wedding to appease them? Then, not show up to support them during the child’s important life moment. While simultaneously and unknowingly making their child choose between the parent and the new spouse, how can the parent not see the reasons that led to a ruined relationship?
(Sarcastically) Yep, probably because the parent told the child that their paintings were better than they were. That’s the problem.
All jokes aside, how can a parent give their child, which they love unconditionally, an ultimatum to change their wedding to appease them? Then, not show up to support them during the child’s important life moment. While simultaneously and unknowingly making their child choose between the parent and the new spouse, how can the parent not see the reasons that led to a ruined relationship?
(Sarcastically) Yep, probably because the parent told the child that their paintings were better than they were. That’s the problem.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews