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How To Tie A Tie: A Coming of Age Memoir about the Religious Trauma of Leaving a Fundamentalist Mennonite Community
What happens when the rules meant to save your soul become the chains that break your spirit?
Raised in a Mennonite world where God’s love came with a belt, Steven Denlinger was taught to fear hell—but it was life within his own community that became the source of his deepest wounds. ‘How To Tie a Tie’ is an inspiring memoir of how he found the courage to walk away from religious trauma and discover a new faith that heals rather than harms.
The first-born son of a large and raucous family, Steven always knew his community felt strange. Being a good Christian meant following a list of rules to avoid hellfire. No movies. No radio. Women wore cape-like dresses to disguise their sinful bodies.
Parents and teachers had the right to beat you.
Long before his teens, these earnest sermons and rigid dictates sent him fleeing to the kitchen screaming, “I’m dying, I’m dying.” Decades later, he finally discovered he was suffering from religious trauma due to the ritualized physical abuse he experienced within a Christian setting.
Steven’s need to escape and his passion for a first-rate education led to a Rotary Foundation Scholarship that sent him abroad to the sinners’ mecca of London. His struggles to assimilate, detailed in vulnerable letters home, inspired his family to send an emissary—pleading with him to return.
Steven’s final break with his Mennonite community launched him on a confusing journey of grief, loss, and discovery. Outwardly a successful high school English teacher and theatrical director, his struggles to assimilate with the modern world led to many stumbles. Eventually, he found personal transformation and built a vibrant new community in his diverse world.
Written in a wry, raw, and reflective tone, “How To Tie a Tie” is a powerful and timely memoir—the quest to discover a new faith that offers hope and a path to personal freedom for anyone still trapped in a patriarchal fundamentalist community.
Raised in a Mennonite world where God’s love came with a belt, Steven Denlinger was taught to fear hell—but it was life within his own community that became the source of his deepest wounds. ‘How To Tie a Tie’ is an inspiring memoir of how he found the courage to walk away from religious trauma and discover a new faith that heals rather than harms.
The first-born son of a large and raucous family, Steven always knew his community felt strange. Being a good Christian meant following a list of rules to avoid hellfire. No movies. No radio. Women wore cape-like dresses to disguise their sinful bodies.
Parents and teachers had the right to beat you.
Long before his teens, these earnest sermons and rigid dictates sent him fleeing to the kitchen screaming, “I’m dying, I’m dying.” Decades later, he finally discovered he was suffering from religious trauma due to the ritualized physical abuse he experienced within a Christian setting.
Steven’s need to escape and his passion for a first-rate education led to a Rotary Foundation Scholarship that sent him abroad to the sinners’ mecca of London. His struggles to assimilate, detailed in vulnerable letters home, inspired his family to send an emissary—pleading with him to return.
Steven’s final break with his Mennonite community launched him on a confusing journey of grief, loss, and discovery. Outwardly a successful high school English teacher and theatrical director, his struggles to assimilate with the modern world led to many stumbles. Eventually, he found personal transformation and built a vibrant new community in his diverse world.
Written in a wry, raw, and reflective tone, “How To Tie a Tie” is a powerful and timely memoir—the quest to discover a new faith that offers hope and a path to personal freedom for anyone still trapped in a patriarchal fundamentalist community.
521 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 20, 2025
5 people are currently reading
28 people want to read
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October 25, 2025A Mennonite friend asked if I'd read this book. I'd not heard of it, but I decided from her recommendation it was worth buying. Once it was here and I'd begun it, I wasn't sure, but by the time I was finished, I was glad I'd read it. And I finished in two days.
One should not binge-read exit literature without reading a few books about people who have exited one's own denomination. It can be enlightening and confirming. I confess I got a little hung up on terminology and descriptions (only outsiders call our head coverings "bonnets"...but he did explain this later; as far as I know, there has never been a Mennonite magazine titled "Rod and Staff," but the employed italics might have been a typo; Mennonites vary in many ways from group to group, and even...it's taken me a while to see this...from decade to decade, but still, there was a lot here that I've never known or experienced.) Also the style felt cumbersome at the start, with all the hopping back and forth from time to previous time.
However—when I reached the acknowledgments, I realized the style was carefully chosen, and even by the middle of the book, I was beginning to appreciate it.
The other thing that touched me with some discomfort were the references to the BDSM scene. I've heard about it; it grieves me. (I was unhappy to read an innocent reference to spousal spanking in a recent Christian Light release). I really, really, do not want to hear further details. True, the connection between patriarchal upbringing/corporal punishment and this brand of intimacy makes sense to me. But it still grieves me! That would be my primary content warning for you, if you are checking out reviews here while deciding whether to purchase the book.
Now for positives: It means so much to me that Denlinger kept his faith. This gives me hope for a dear friend who said "no" to both Mennonite culture and Christian faith. I would love to hear what she would say about this book.
Also, as one who has sometimes felt brutalized by Mennonite culture, I can resonate with the impact of being raised by poverty-ridden parents who sincerely believed (still do!) that the Bible mandates eternal conscious torment, and issued forth corporal punishment based on that heinous conviction. (How could such a doctrine produce anything but twisted fruit?) We were spanked into our teens.
But, again like Denlinger, I see much to admire in my parents' marriage, in their strong and beautiful commitment to each other through all the hard things they have faced, including children who no longer "hold their values."
I think that's my favorite takeaway from this book, which I would be hesitant to recommend to anyone in my own church (when I loaned one young married woman The Shack, I got the book back from her mom, along with a note saying books like this will "rock our ship off course." I thought, yes, if your ship is sailing in the shallows of Mennonite tradition, most certainly!)...my takeaway is this: There are good people and bad people in the Mennonite church, and outside of the Mennonite church. There are good and bad people who left the Mennonite church. I am glad that one of these people, one of the flawed-and-hopeful ones, has written a book about his experience and is vulnerable enough to share it with others both within and without his parent culture.
One should not binge-read exit literature without reading a few books about people who have exited one's own denomination. It can be enlightening and confirming. I confess I got a little hung up on terminology and descriptions (only outsiders call our head coverings "bonnets"...but he did explain this later; as far as I know, there has never been a Mennonite magazine titled "Rod and Staff," but the employed italics might have been a typo; Mennonites vary in many ways from group to group, and even...it's taken me a while to see this...from decade to decade, but still, there was a lot here that I've never known or experienced.) Also the style felt cumbersome at the start, with all the hopping back and forth from time to previous time.
However—when I reached the acknowledgments, I realized the style was carefully chosen, and even by the middle of the book, I was beginning to appreciate it.
The other thing that touched me with some discomfort were the references to the BDSM scene. I've heard about it; it grieves me. (I was unhappy to read an innocent reference to spousal spanking in a recent Christian Light release). I really, really, do not want to hear further details. True, the connection between patriarchal upbringing/corporal punishment and this brand of intimacy makes sense to me. But it still grieves me! That would be my primary content warning for you, if you are checking out reviews here while deciding whether to purchase the book.
Now for positives: It means so much to me that Denlinger kept his faith. This gives me hope for a dear friend who said "no" to both Mennonite culture and Christian faith. I would love to hear what she would say about this book.
Also, as one who has sometimes felt brutalized by Mennonite culture, I can resonate with the impact of being raised by poverty-ridden parents who sincerely believed (still do!) that the Bible mandates eternal conscious torment, and issued forth corporal punishment based on that heinous conviction. (How could such a doctrine produce anything but twisted fruit?) We were spanked into our teens.
But, again like Denlinger, I see much to admire in my parents' marriage, in their strong and beautiful commitment to each other through all the hard things they have faced, including children who no longer "hold their values."
I think that's my favorite takeaway from this book, which I would be hesitant to recommend to anyone in my own church (when I loaned one young married woman The Shack, I got the book back from her mom, along with a note saying books like this will "rock our ship off course." I thought, yes, if your ship is sailing in the shallows of Mennonite tradition, most certainly!)...my takeaway is this: There are good people and bad people in the Mennonite church, and outside of the Mennonite church. There are good and bad people who left the Mennonite church. I am glad that one of these people, one of the flawed-and-hopeful ones, has written a book about his experience and is vulnerable enough to share it with others both within and without his parent culture.
September 20, 2025
I received an advanced copy of this book from the author. My wife was a student when he was a teacher at Hoover, though I’ve never met him myself. What drew me in was my interest in the deconstruction process. I believe this book is vital for understanding both deconversion and the journey of healing from religious trauma.
I grew up in a conservative Catholic church in an area with strong fundamentalist leanings, and I had to unlearn much of what I was taught. I often wonder why others didn’t make a similar journey. *How to Tie a Tie* offers an answer.
This memoir is Stephen’s reckoning with growing up in a strict, patriarchal religious environment. He leaves no stone unturned, tracing the impact on his mind, body, and spirit, and what it took to begin healing.
What makes this book especially meaningful is that Stephen remains religious. He has found the God-who-walks-beside-us—not the Wizard-of-Oz god who is small, demanding, and obsessed with obedience rather than the radical love of neighbor. His story reminds us that healing is not a one-time event but the slow work of building self-awareness and cultivating resources for wholeness.
One place where I found myself wanting more was Stephen’s view on forgiveness. He writes that “forgiveness cannot come until the abuser recognizes and owns what they did.” By contrast, Mpho and Desmond Tutu’s *Book of Forgiveness* offers a Fourfold Path:
1. Admitting the wrong and acknowledging the harm
2. Telling one’s story and witnessing the anguish
3. Asking for forgiveness and granting it
4. Renewing or releasing the relationship
For the Tutus, forgiveness is not saying what happened was okay. It is saying that the act was so not-okay that one refuses to be tied to it any longer—and this release can take place even without the abuser’s awareness. Reconciliation, they note, is a separate choice from forgiveness.
I would have appreciated more of Stephen’s reflections in this area. But that’s not a criticism so much as a desire for the conversation to continue. Forgiveness has many interpretations, and what matters most is that Stephen discovered his own path. Watching him work it out, stage by stage, is a remarkable gift.
I think this book can help a lot of folks come to terms. I feel better for having read it.
I grew up in a conservative Catholic church in an area with strong fundamentalist leanings, and I had to unlearn much of what I was taught. I often wonder why others didn’t make a similar journey. *How to Tie a Tie* offers an answer.
This memoir is Stephen’s reckoning with growing up in a strict, patriarchal religious environment. He leaves no stone unturned, tracing the impact on his mind, body, and spirit, and what it took to begin healing.
What makes this book especially meaningful is that Stephen remains religious. He has found the God-who-walks-beside-us—not the Wizard-of-Oz god who is small, demanding, and obsessed with obedience rather than the radical love of neighbor. His story reminds us that healing is not a one-time event but the slow work of building self-awareness and cultivating resources for wholeness.
One place where I found myself wanting more was Stephen’s view on forgiveness. He writes that “forgiveness cannot come until the abuser recognizes and owns what they did.” By contrast, Mpho and Desmond Tutu’s *Book of Forgiveness* offers a Fourfold Path:
1. Admitting the wrong and acknowledging the harm
2. Telling one’s story and witnessing the anguish
3. Asking for forgiveness and granting it
4. Renewing or releasing the relationship
For the Tutus, forgiveness is not saying what happened was okay. It is saying that the act was so not-okay that one refuses to be tied to it any longer—and this release can take place even without the abuser’s awareness. Reconciliation, they note, is a separate choice from forgiveness.
I would have appreciated more of Stephen’s reflections in this area. But that’s not a criticism so much as a desire for the conversation to continue. Forgiveness has many interpretations, and what matters most is that Stephen discovered his own path. Watching him work it out, stage by stage, is a remarkable gift.
I think this book can help a lot of folks come to terms. I feel better for having read it.
September 18, 2025
How to Tie a Tie is a compelling read. This memoir by Steven Denlinger is the unflinchingly transparent exploration of his complex journey away from abuse and religious trauma to a place of healing and independence. In the rule-based religiosity of Denlinger’s “Plain Mennonite” community, people who wore neckties or ornamentation were worldly sinners, headed for hell. The act of knotting his first tie signaled Denlinger’s fragile entry into a wider world, away from abusive control through beatings, silence, and shame; towards the therapeutic reclamation of personal identity. Denlinger left his community, won a scholarship to London, and ultimately became a teacher of the best kind, creating an environment where his students felt valued, challenged, and inspired to grow—not just academically, but as people.
Denlinger’s transparency in sharing his experiences offers readers insights into the lesser-understood issue of religious trauma and its impact on relationships. But it’s a redemption story as well, highlighting how God used “angels unaware”; human agents of goodness and divine influence in the author’s life. Denlinger is authentic throughout, relating the pain of leaving his community, the hurt in losing family, his confrontation with guilt, and his struggle to reconcile faith and freedom. This is not just an escape saga, it’s a tale of how one man endured religious trauma while preserving belief, curiosity, and a sense of purpose, emerging with faith in a God of love and grace.
In Denlinger’s own words, “a good memoir is self-aware, not self-absorbed.” By that metric, this is not a good memoir; it’s a great one!
Paul Smith, September 2025, Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada
Denlinger’s transparency in sharing his experiences offers readers insights into the lesser-understood issue of religious trauma and its impact on relationships. But it’s a redemption story as well, highlighting how God used “angels unaware”; human agents of goodness and divine influence in the author’s life. Denlinger is authentic throughout, relating the pain of leaving his community, the hurt in losing family, his confrontation with guilt, and his struggle to reconcile faith and freedom. This is not just an escape saga, it’s a tale of how one man endured religious trauma while preserving belief, curiosity, and a sense of purpose, emerging with faith in a God of love and grace.
In Denlinger’s own words, “a good memoir is self-aware, not self-absorbed.” By that metric, this is not a good memoir; it’s a great one!
Paul Smith, September 2025, Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada
October 22, 2025
When one has trauma in their life, a few things happen afterwards. Once you get past the horror of the event, or events, specific emotions fill your body. Anger, fear, guilt and shame fill the void that has been left. These emotions continue to flood the psyche, but they come in waves.
Steven has lived this cycle again and again throughout his life. Events occur in life and forgiveness for your abuser or abusers, creeps into the emotions that have followed you throughout your life.
When Steven realized he was ready to forgive his father for what happened during his formative years, he was ready to share his story. Reflecting on his life, he found things he wanted to share that were actually, in some ways, a result of the trauma he experienced as a boy. He realized things of importance that needed to be included that he didn’t even know were part of his transformative story.
Steven’s book tells the story of a young boy growing up in a large family that was shaped by a strict, sometimes ruthless, doctrine of how to behave within the conservative Mennonite community. He shapes the story he presents with various stories that are pertinent to the man he is today. Life is a journey. Steven’s is a journey of pain, confusion, forgiveness and love. He brings you into a specific community, but the reader doesn’t need to have experience with that community also. Instead, his memoir is written broadly for all to learn from and enjoy. I am proud to call Steven my dear friend and look forward to seeing where life takes him next!
Steven has lived this cycle again and again throughout his life. Events occur in life and forgiveness for your abuser or abusers, creeps into the emotions that have followed you throughout your life.
When Steven realized he was ready to forgive his father for what happened during his formative years, he was ready to share his story. Reflecting on his life, he found things he wanted to share that were actually, in some ways, a result of the trauma he experienced as a boy. He realized things of importance that needed to be included that he didn’t even know were part of his transformative story.
Steven’s book tells the story of a young boy growing up in a large family that was shaped by a strict, sometimes ruthless, doctrine of how to behave within the conservative Mennonite community. He shapes the story he presents with various stories that are pertinent to the man he is today. Life is a journey. Steven’s is a journey of pain, confusion, forgiveness and love. He brings you into a specific community, but the reader doesn’t need to have experience with that community also. Instead, his memoir is written broadly for all to learn from and enjoy. I am proud to call Steven my dear friend and look forward to seeing where life takes him next!
November 19, 2025
This is a heartfelt, raw and honest memoir. While growing up I never understood why our cousins had to dress so plain and be so strict. By comparison we “worldly” in dress and rules but that didn’t stop them from devouring our clothes and things when we visited. Sadly I never knew about the severe abuse labeled as “spanking”. I am impressed at Steven’s work in therapy and his propensity toward forgiveness and love to his family. It is truly divine. You feel, along with him, the journey Stephen takes as he holds nothing back, telling his personal story. Anyone searching to learn about forgiveness and the process of transformation through education, therapy, friendship
and spirituality should read this book! A++
and spirituality should read this book! A++
September 20, 2025
How to Tie a Tie is a courageous and deeply personal memoir that traces the author's journey through childhood trauma, spiritual struggle, and the long, complex process of healing. The writing is candid, even disturbing at times. The author gives us an unflinching view of a life shaped by pain but overcome by faith, love, and perseverance.
This is a moving and thought-provoking read, one that I know will offer hope to others navigating their own path to healing.
This is a moving and thought-provoking read, one that I know will offer hope to others navigating their own path to healing.
September 20, 2025
A brutally honest account of Steven Denlinger's struggle to deal with life in his conservative Mennonite community. Although he knew he was conflicted in that lifestyle, the challenges he faced made that split difficult. Others in similar abusive or controlling situations should find this compelling description comforting and encouraging.
December 27, 2025
I feel rather ambivalent about this book. On the one hand, its well written and fully captured my attention for the week it took me to read it. I could also resonate with much of his criticism of conservative Anabaptist culture, such as the closed minded approach to education and fundamentalism. His critiques on patriarchy have certainly given me food for thought.
However, there were a few things I didn't like. The main thing was an overdose of explicit content. I also was a bit confused by his biblical hermanuetic, he dismissed anything in the bible he didn't like as conservative fundamentalism while quoting other verses as gospel truth.
However, there were a few things I didn't like. The main thing was an overdose of explicit content. I also was a bit confused by his biblical hermanuetic, he dismissed anything in the bible he didn't like as conservative fundamentalism while quoting other verses as gospel truth.
September 16, 2025
This memoir offers an unflinching look at one man’s journey to overcome physical and religious abuse. Formatted into sections that coincide with the stages of grief, Steven shares a personal narrative that spans from his formative years as a child in a conservative Mennonite church to middle age, when he finally came to terms with his abuse. While the theme of abuse is central to the story, this book will be relatable to a wider audience. Anyone who has struggled with feeling like an outsider, anyone who has struggled to come to terms with their own mental health journey, and anyone who has struggled with a mid-life crisis will find this book relatable. While not the primary focus of the book, Steven also shares his philosophy around leadership and teaching, whereby he demonstrates that true leaders do not rely on fear and power to be effective. At the center of the book is the idea that a person’s freedom of choice is central to their humanity.
I highly recommend this read.
Thank you Ascendant Press for the ARC!
I highly recommend this read.
Thank you Ascendant Press for the ARC!
September 27, 2025
Thank you to Steven for an ARC of his book to review! I ARC read a lot and this was my first time reading from an author I know personally. Steven’s memoir shows you a transparent, vulnerable, and honest look into his experiences.I found this interesting and very relevant to some of the discourse we see around religion and religious groups currently. Readers will appreciate and connect to the stories, experiences, and thoughts Steven shares. I think we can all learn from Steven’s abilities to overcome challenges and become our best selves.
October 9, 2025
It’s been awhile since I read a book in one fell swoop. This book pulled me in from the first sentences and held my attention until the end. In the best sense, I heard it as music, the dissonance of violence and confusion, the underlying thrum of a sexuality bent out of shape by actions sanctioned by the church and the bible, the repeated motif of hope and grace, and the harmonies of forgiveness. It’s not a cheap fix story nor does the authour avoid talking about his own choices which brought pain to others. It is a richly told memoir and it offers so much hope.
November 9, 2025
This was written by my cousin. I am in awe of his honest journey through forgiveness. If you want help learning how and why to forgive this is a great place to start. His story is raw however the thread of grace and love are there all along the way.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews