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252 pages, Paperback
First published July 17, 2014
And don’t EVER judge how I am raising my daughter saying things like I’m punishing Madelyne. At least I’ve been there for her 24/7. Where the fuck have you been? Oh yeah, playing games and writing “poor me” letters to Charlotte [a court employee]. You will never EVER understand that when you are a parent, your child comes first because the world revolves around Tyler and it always will. Madelyne is so smart that she is going to see through your bullshit when she gets older. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want a relationship with YOU because of your temper, narcissism, and the way you bullshit ALL the time.This is the last of six paragraphs. I could hear Cyrulewski in my head. I could hear the same arguments I’ve heard over and over from parents who argue about what it means to be a parent, who make threats. I couldn’t help but think the author was terribly juvenile at times. I would image her as a young 20-something based on her commentary. During a supervised visit, Adam, the director of the facility where Cyrulewski and Tyler meet, asks her questions. Cyrulewski doesn’t like his questions. Adam says, “I know Tyler wants to see his daughter.” The next line reads, “Yeah, Adam. You’re right, I thought to myself. You know everything about your new best friend Tyler, don’t you?” Despite her situation, Cyrulewski is suspicious, childish, and emotionally exhausting. The author is not a girl; at this point Cyrulewski is in her mid-30s and attending law school, but she’s still hurling insults via text back and forth with Tyler and his “white trash” new wife while in class. I kept thinking, “JUST. STOP. ALREADY.” Cyrulewski mentions that once Tyler is out of her life she can finally stop checking her email 100 times (her number, not mine) per day. Why check? Why seek out problematic situations?
I think there is still a nasty stigma attached to PPD [postpartum depression] and that is why women are still afraid to admit that they might be suffering from it. I think a woman who seeks help for PPD is extremely brave and is stronger than she might realize. It takes an extraordinary amount of courage to admit that something isn’t right about the way you feel toward your baby.For me, the last attempt to add some meaning to Who Am I? was too little, too late. Cyrulewski finally ends up with who she is–Madelyne’s mother–but the road to becoming a mother is littered with Tyler stories that there was no room in the book for what kind of mother she is when she is with her daughter (playing, feeding, anything). There are important issues broached within the pages: verbal abuse, PPD, and not understand how a typically smart person becomes a victim. Yet, the topics aren’t as carefully handled as they need to be to make an impact on readers, as events alone just aren’t enough. The book was one I was happy to finish so that I could move on and escape its reality TV-like self-creating drama.