Rumored to Exist

by Jon Konrath

Meet John UFO enthusiast, militant screenwriter, explosives expert, and extreme sports enthusiast. He works for an insane scientist who collects human corpses and made millions on an impossible-to-solve childrens puzzle that shoots poisonous spikes when it isnt completed. On his days off, Conner steals genetic material for blackmail purposes with his Columbian bodyguard Tito, and hangs out with his Lego-obsessed friend Nick. His Texan lawyer,preoccupied with his own earwax, has vanished to Vietnam; a guy named Ivan has started selling sheep for sexual purposes; a famous filmmaker is working on a cinematic trilogy based on vomit. Plus he and Nick found a way to talk to the dead via a librarys electronic card catalog terminal. But even in this strange world, the meaning of life eludes him, and he needs to know the answers, or at least find a way to pay his six-digit phone bill.The nonlinear, experimental fiction of Rumored to Exist blasts through a hyperdimensional landscape of the near-future, mutated fact, and impossible science. A combination of pop-fiction references, heavy metal speed, and hilarious parody mix the half-dozen different stories together into a nightmarish tale of post-apocalyptic America.

269 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 24, 2002

About the author

Jon Konrath is an American author born in 1971. He grew up in Indiana and studied computer science and English at Indiana University. After college, he worked as a software developer and technical writer, but eventually turned his attention to writing fiction.

Konrath is the author of several books, including "Rumored to Exist," "Thunderbird," and "The Earworm Inception." His writing is known for its unique blend of humor, absurdism, and surrealism, often blurring the lines between reality and fantasy.

In addition to writing, Konrath is also an accomplished photographer. He currently resides in California.

Reviews

[Nefariousbig · Rating 5 out of 5]

FINAL REVIEW

Is not every experience/dream/thought/etc. in life only "rumored to exist"?

Konrath is NOT an absurdist.
He is NOT a satirist.
He is a realist with a sense of identity.
The absurd thing about it is that not more of us see life that way.
That's just absurd.
He is neither a pessimist nor an optimist, he is an awesomist!

Meet John Conner: UFO enthusiast, militant screenwriter, explosives expert, and extreme sports enthusiast. He works for an insane scientist who collects human corpses and made millions on an impossible-to-solve children’s puzzle that shoots poisonous spikes when it isn't completed. On his days off, Conner steals genetic material for blackmail purposes with his Colombian bodyguard Tito, and hangs out with his Lego-obsessed friend Nick. His Texan lawyer, preoccupied with his own earwax, has vanished to Vietnam; a guy named Ivan has started selling sheep for sexual purposes; a famous filmmaker is working on a cinematic trilogy based on vomit.

I have absolutely no idea what THAT is describing, but it certainly isn’t the Rumored to Exist that I read. My book wasn't about any of that stuff! Really, I'm not kidding. At one point I started to think Konrath gave me an alternate universe copy, just to fuck with me. I got my copy directly from Konrath. The other books he sent were just fine, no hallucinations, no god sightings, no hangovers. They all seemed so harmless, innocent even.

Then, this:
"I can't believe in anything. It's too...committed. I could memorize every damn fact about a religion, but that doesn't mean I could believe. I want to believe in Satan, scare the fuck out of my neighbors, drink their blood, fuck their daughters, steal their cars, subscribe them to 500 different junk-mail lists, eat all of their food, and watch a bunch of porn on their pay-per-view boxes. But it's too much work."

"I think people in this country hold on to every retarded strand of life they think will mean something, just so they don't have to stop and think that they clean up human shit and piss for a living, that they went to school for 12 years or maybe more just so they could sit at a cash register and take other people's shit. It's another reason to simply buy every Nintendo game ever made and never leave home."

“Bjorn stopped eating his french toast and yelled, “I can put up with your vomit exploits and your mass consumerism, but what I WILL NOT TOLERATE, what I CANNOT CONDONE, is the DELIBERATE EXPLOITATION of DISADVANTAGED ________ in the form of NONCONSENSUAL ANO-URETHRAL AMPUTATION for the express purpose of SEXUAL AROUSAL for MILITANT WHITE SUPREMACIST!”

"I just got on a performance improvement plan at work because I sodomized my boss, drove a car through his living room window, and ate his daughter’s pussy on channel three news. I think I need a new job."

Deep man...DEEP. I always read too much into Konrath’s psyche. For me, he is a modern day Kantian philosopher. I even categorized my book shelves accordingly:

Perhaps his next book should be "The Critique of Pure Absurdity". If Konrath was a drug, I'd snort him ‘til I ODed, I'd get my stomach pumped, and do it over and over again 'til the white coats came to drag me away to rehab, me shaking my tiny blue fist to the sky, cursing and screaming, “Never again, Konrath. NEVER AGAIN!”

Which brings me back to my question, "What book did I actually read?" So, I asked Konrath “What the fuck, man? What is wrong with this book?” His nonchalant reply: Oh, one of the copies I had at the house was impregnated with 100% pure LSD-25. Hope I didn't send you the wrong one. Well, fuck me running! Best 10 bucks worth of surprise illicit drugs I ever had!

Remind me to punch you in the neck at the convention, Konrath.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the best example of what Konrath can really do as a writer that I've seen yet. I've read a bit of his shorter work, but I've never seen him work it into a larger form like this before. It's impressive that he can carry this on for a novel length work, particularly with the same kind of energy and vitality in the writing. It's like the collective American unconscious hurled onto the page half-digested, illustrating the horrific things that have been combining and procreating in the mind of America in the last twenty years or so. If you can't find something in here to offend you, then you aren't reading carefully enough. Of course, you'll also laugh. I remember a Leyner bit where he talked about executing writers in a workshop who might usurp part of his market, and it seems like a good idea for Konrath to stay away from visiting Leyner in person. In short, it's some damn impressive writing. I think you need some balls if you're going to be able to hang on for the full ride, but it's worth it for those who can. By the way, that's referring to balls as a personality trait, not in an anatomical fashion. Anatomical balls are not required.

[Jon · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was extremely entertaining, in a really fucked up way. It left me unsatisfied throughout but I couldn't put the book down as every paragraph is insane (often hilarious).

This book takes place in a world whose mythos is made out of death and thrash metal album covers/anthems. Look at a few album covers by Obituary, Nuclear Assault, Raise Hell, Autopsy, Slayer, etc, to get a good idea of the world this book takes place in. Many of the scenes feel like direct adaptations of album covers and songs. Which, if true, is a really cool idea.