Intimacy

by Henri J.M. Nouwen

“On the long road it’s good to have Nouwen and his divining rod. Deftly he bends toward the drop of spiritual wisdom caked in the most ordinary things.”
—Helen Prejean, C.S.J., author of Dead Man Walking   In his classic work Intimacy, Henry J.M. Nouwen, one of the most beloved spiritual writers of the 20 th century, explores the pathway to a more creative and fulfilling intimacy in our relationship with God. A wise and optimistic guide to the complexities and rewards of the fully developed inner life, Intimacy stands alongside The Wounded Healer, With Open Hands, Making All Things New , and Nouwen’s other notable works, as well as the writings of C.S. Lewis, Thomas Merton, and other influential Christian scholars and thinkers.

Genres: Spirituality, Christian, Christianity, Faith, Religion, Theology, Nonfiction

160 pages, Paperback

First published April 22, 1981

About the author

Henri Jozef Machiel Nouwen was a Dutch Catholic priest, theologian, psychologist, professor, and spiritual writer whose work profoundly shaped contemporary Christian spirituality. Born in Nijkerk, the Netherlands, in 1932, Nouwen pursued religious studies and was ordained a priest in 1957. His intellectual curiosity led him to study psychology at the Catholic University of Nijmegen and later at the Menninger Clinic in Kansas, where he explored the connection between faith and mental health. Throughout his life, Nouwen remained committed to integrating pastoral care, psychology, and spiritual theology in a way that addressed the emotional and existential needs of believers.
Nouwen held teaching positions at prestigious institutions including the University of Notre Dame, Yale Divinity School, and Harvard Divinity School. He authored over three dozen books and hundreds of articles, with notable works such as The Wounded Healer, The Return of the Prodigal Son, Life of the Beloved, and The Inner Voice of Love. His writing, often rooted in personal vulnerability and spiritual struggle, resonated with readers across denominations. Nouwen openly explored themes of loneliness, identity, intimacy, and the human desire for love and belonging, making his voice especially relatable and influential.
Though he was a gifted academic and popular speaker, Nouwen found his deepest calling later in life through his involvement with L’Arche, a network of communities for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. After a transformative stay at the original L’Arche community in France, Nouwen accepted an invitation to become the pastor of L’Arche Daybreak in Richmond Hill, Ontario. There he developed a close bond with Adam Arnett, a core member with severe disabilities, which inspired the book Adam: God’s Beloved. At Daybreak, Nouwen discovered a deep spiritual home and a community that helped him embrace his humanity in profound ways.
Throughout his life, Nouwen wrestled with issues of identity, including his sexuality and his longing for connection, though he remained faithful to his vows. His openness about depression and inner conflict gave depth to his pastoral message, and his ability to turn personal struggle into shared spiritual insight made him one of the most beloved spiritual writers of the 20th century.
Henri Nouwen died in 1996 of a sudden heart attack, but his legacy endures through his writings, the Henri Nouwen Society, and the continued global reach of his message of belovedness, vulnerability, and compassionate community. His books remain bestsellers, widely read in seminaries, churches, and among individuals seeking a more intimate walk with God.

Reviews

[Catherine · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was like trying to chase a frightened rabbit through a thick briar patch. The title and content do not correspond. Conclusions on arguments are vague. The chapter titles are From Magic to Faith, The Challenge to Love, Student prayers: Between Confusion and Hope, Pentecostalism on Campus, Depression in The Seminary, The Priest and His Mental Health, Training for Campus Ministry. The most interesting chapters were Depression in the Seminary and The Priest and His Mental Health. I would not recommend reading this entire book.

[Micah · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this short book, Henri Nouwen illuminates the painful contours of being in relationship with God and neighbor. He is at his best when he fearlessly lays out the challenges and disappointments of love. He writes, "Love is based on the mutuality of the confession of our total self to each other. This makes us free to declare not only: 'My strength is your strength' but also: 'Your pain is my pain, your weakness is my weakness, your sin is my sin.'"

Initially written as responses to ostensibly unrelated questions from friends, parishioners, and teachers, "Intimacy" can at times feel discursive; but even when rambling, Nouwen remains thoughtful and persistent in his goal of creating a volume unified by the idea of intimacy.

Those wondering what Nouwen, a celibate priest, could have to say on the subject of intimacy would do well to remember that people who are forced to observe may, in the end, have the best insights of all.

[Allison Hurst · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title is deceiving, I thought I was getting a comprehensive perspective on the topic of Intimacy as it exists within a spiritual realm. This was more of a guide for young male priests-in-training who are discerning how to consider and direct their intimacy. It was also very male focused, couldn't get identify with the masculinity of it all. I really appreciate Nouwen and his testimony and honestly it makes sense. This book is for a specific crowd though and it was a bit hard to glean from. And it was boring.

[Joe Burnham · Rating 3 out of 5]

Worth reading just for the second essay.

You can read my full review here: https://joeburnham.com/review/intimacy/

[Carlos Tenorio · Rating 4 out of 5]

Me parece que este libro es más una recopilación de ensayos independientes. Es la primera publicación de Henri Nouwen. El sacerdote y profesor universitario trata varios temas; entre ellos, se encuentra el tema de la oración. Nouwen analiza distintas oraciones para hacer notar las diferentes imágenes de Dios que tenemos las personas. Mis capítulos favoritos fueron los relacionados con la salud mental del obrero cristiano (la orientación en tiempo, espacio y persona), con el entrenamiento necesario para los que sirven en el ministerio universitario y con las necesidades que se deben llenar para ofrecer un servicio fructífero en el campus.

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Nouwen, and I found this book helpful. The intended theme of intimacy was somewhat lost in the midst of the essays, but, as they were written during his time at Notre Dame, an alternative theme inevitably arose - taking care (for lack of a better term) of college students. Some of the issues were older issues, but it's striking how similar the needs of college students in 1969 are to the needs of college students in 2012, and those needs were addressed with a surprising depth, given how short a collection this is. I think people who minister to college students or work with them in any sort of spiritual capacity would benefit from reading these essays. It would ease some frustration with the constant doubts and questions that are a necessary part of the college experience. Students must question. To avoid analyzing core values while analyzing their field is to end up an unhappy genius, "a man [sic] who knows everything except why he lives."

[Deborah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sort of a strange mix of essays, but all worth reading.

[Sara Saarela · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love Henri Nouwen's "The Inner Voice of Love" (one of the best books I've read), so my expectations were pretty high when I started reading this one. When I saw the title, I expected the book to be kind of a self-help book; I thought it might discuss how to overcome intimacy issues in relationships (yeah, probably tells more about me and our time than the book itself; indeed, the book was written for a different audience, context, and time). Nouwen does talk about the difficulty of letting someone become dear and close to you a bit, but I feel like the focus is pretty much on the work of a campus pastor and how to help students in an academic/semi-academic context to feel loved, part of a community, and healthy (not depressed).

Some of the essays, or parts of different essays, felt very relevant when considering my own context, but some felt a bit "old" or just not that relevant since I belong to a different church tradition. Yet it did offer many great insights and a lot to chew on.

[Gerald Thomson · Rating 1 out of 5]

If I am honest, I read Nowen because I feel like I should. Many in my circle find him inspirational, but I have found his work wordy and flat. Intimacy is probably the most difficult book of Nowen’s that I have read. It comes across as very disjointed, with intimacy being a very thin thread to connect essays on relationships, Pentecostals and student ministry. One thing I noticed in abundance was Nowen’s move towards the negative interpretation of almost every situation. Don’t have people talk in small groups because it can transfer burdens to other people in the group, don’t live in community because it can force people to look at their problems and then they become self-centered instead of outward and task-centered, and living in community can force people to interact with those they don’t like with no way to avoid them. All of this felt like a straw man instead of simply the reality that people face in the everyday world. I will continue to read Nowen, but only out of my perceived obligation to my own community.

[Paul Baker]

2025-08-06

Review 2025.06.006

Reviewers Note: It is the middle of 2025 and I am not doing a good job of keeping up with this desired goal of mine to write book reviews. I do not want to lower my expectations but I am going to so that I can catch up. This will mean short reviews on the books I read.

Intimacy by Henri Nouwen
160 Pages

I have liked the other books I have read by Henri Nouwen. This one was a little different and I almost gave up on it. I was not the target audience (necessarily) but I’m glad I finished it. The last section on training for campus ministry had a few jewels that really made it worth reading for me.

“Without silence the Spirit will die in us and the creative energy of our life will float away and leave us alone, cold, and tired. Without silence we will lose our center and become the victim of the many who constantly demand our attention.”

If you like finding jewels in your reading then I can recommend this book. I would not recommend it be the first book you read by this author though.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

Henri Nouwen is great, so saying this is my least favorite book of his (of all those I read so far) is not really much of a negative comment. It still good. There are many wonderful insights. His chapter where he discusses the different understandings of God through different ways students pray to God was brilliant and insightful. Likewise, his chapter on campus ministry was helpful for those of us who work in campus ministry (even if we're not Catholics and thus our ministry looks quite a bit different then what Nouwen is speaking of). Overall though, the chapters seemed disjointed. A few of them were only really relevant if you're a priest. In other words, if you're a fan of Nouwen or a ministry worker (especially a Catholic priest) then there's a lot here but if you're none of those then read Nouwen's other works and maybe get to this one at the end.

[Brenna · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is definitely mostly a book for priests as the beginning talks about general human development and intimacy between individuals, but the second half of the book focuses on seminaries and the priesthood.

The parts that applied to me really spoke to me, and then I read the second half out of curiosity. It gave me a deeper sense of compassion for people who choose that life path.

Nouwen is of his time and uses male pronouns throughout and focuses on heterosexual relationships at the beginning of the book, and if you are able to hold that truth and still able to listen to his message, there are nuggets and ideas that are fascinating to ponder about human connection at the beginning.

[Christopher Pokorny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this alongside Fromm’s “The Art of Loving” for a theological balance on intimacy. Nouwen did not disappoint,
especially with the surprise analogy of a campus minister and a chaplain. Great insights on how to shore up a priests mental health and spiritual vitality in an often lonely ministry, both campus and chaplaincy, let alone the priesthood.

[Brad Dell · Rating 3 out of 5]

There comes a point where an author has climbed high enough that we think everything they’ve written is gold. This collection of essays/letters is disjointed and scrambled — I’m unclear on why they were compiled together. The essays themselves didn’t quite have the same shine as Henri’s other works, but his observations are sharp as ever.

[Claire · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had some really great insights into college Christian living and ministry. Found some of it difficult to relate to as pertaining solely to Catholic priestly living. Still had some great quotes and insights...and this was my introduction to Henri Nouwen, whose clear and humble voice I enjoyed!

[Catrina Berka · Rating 2 out of 5]

A series of essays around the theme of Intimacy started off general enough for a layperson’s application but the final few were so focused on campus ministry and the training of priests that there wasn’t much to offer.

[Richard R., Martin · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was a struggle to get through. There was very little directly on intimacy. It appears that Nouwen took 7 independent papers and put them together to form this book and most had little or no application to the lay person.

[Dan Porter · Rating 3 out of 5]

this is a good leadership book much more than it is a book about intimacy. Its main audience is Students and/or teachers at university. I did get some good Gold nuggets out of it and plenty of highlighted sections. But not much to retain information wise.

[Charlene Hios · Rating 3 out of 5]

Specifically for the catholic priest yet the protestant minister along with most others could apply to their life

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

First 50ish pages, great. So good. Pretty downhill from there?! Expected more.

[Eileen · Rating 3 out of 5]

1981. Written for teachers in seminaries about preparing their students for pastoral work.

[Ash · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although a little to technical for my needs, I wish I'd had this book as I was in the earlier stages of my pastorate.

[Esther McNeil · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some essays very insightful, others a little dull.

[Noah Burgdorf · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting collection of articles. I’ll likely revisit each article individually over the years, but it’s content very pastoral and applicable to the laymen.

[Meagan Harkins · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not his best work. His worst work actually. Thinking I wasn’t the target audience. Henri is my bestie forever tho !!!!

[Lainey Monroe · Rating 3 out of 5]

"love is not based on the willingness to listen, to understand problems of others, or to tolerate their otherness. Love is based on the mutuality of the confession of our total self to each other. This makes us free to declare not only "my strength is your strength" but also "your pain is my pain, your weakness is my weakness, your sin is my sin." it is in this intimate fellowship of the weak that love is born. For in the sharing of weakness violence can be overcome."

"Maybe we remember the few occasions in our life in which we were able to show someone we love our real self; not only our great successes but also our weaknesses and pains, not only our good intentions but also our bitter motives, not only our radiant face but also our dark shadow. It takes a lot of courage, but it might just open a new horizon, a new way of living. It could come suddenly or gradually and slowly. people might call us a crazy idealist, unrealistic dreamer, a first class romanticist, but does not touch us deeply because we know what the new form of certainty . . . that peace , forgiveness, Justice and inner freedom are more than mere words."

"our life is often a very painful fluctuation between the two desires to take and to forgive."

"perhaps the best definition of revelation is the uncovering of the truth that it is safe to love. The walls of our anxiety, our anguish, our narrowness are broken down and a wide endless horizon is shown. "We have to love because He loved us first." It is safe to embrace in vulnerability because we both find ourselves in Loving hands. It is safe to be available because someone told us that we stand on solis ground. It is safe to surrender because we will not fall into a dark pit but enter a welcoming home. It is safe to be weak because we are surrounded by a creative strength.
To say and live this is a new way of knowing. We are not surrounded by darkness but by light.he who knows this light will see it. The cripple will walk, the deaf har, the mute speak, the blind see and the mountains move. sOmeone has appeared to us and said: the sign of Love is a sign of weakness: a baby wrapped and swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. That is the glory of God, the Peace of the world and the Goodwill of all men."

"He challenges us to face our fellow man without fear and to enter with Him in the fellowship of the weak, knowing that it will not bring destruction but creation , new energy, new life, and -in the end- a new world."

[Carol · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like Nouwen's writing. Here he looks at the question of "How can I find a creative and fulfilling intimacy with God and with other human beings? This is a book about the inner life (strange to be reading Emerson at the same time). The chapters I liked most was The challenge to love & intimacy and prayer.

from love --
Love is based on the mutuality of the confession of our total self to each other. This makes us free to declare not only: "My strength is your strength" but also "your pain is my pain, your weakness is my weakness, your sin is my sin." It is this intimate fellowship of the weak that love is born. When the exposure of one's deepest dependency becomes an invitation to share this most existential experience, we enter a new area of life.

from prayers--Nouwen ask students to submit prayers and came up with 7 categories. I was surprised at the differences in spiritual maturity within this group of college students. Starting with "confusion" and ending with "the coming God (hope)".

-This prayer shows a great self-confidence carefully integrated with a deep sense of humility...In this attitude of hope we see a man well-defined but always available for redefinition...Real hope is impossible without the deep awareness that life is a gift and holds endless promises.

[Greg · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is not what I expected it to be, and as such I was disappointed in reading it. The back cover promised that Nouwen addresses the basic question, “How can I find a creative and fulfilling intimacy in my relationship with God and my fellow human beings?” That is not what Nouwen writes about. This work is fairly academic, and addresses key issues of individuals who choose to enter ministry, and how they can find intimacy with God and with the people to whom they minister. Nouwen also addresses many of the problems he sees in the seminary. If that were clearly articulated, I probably would not have read this book, which does have value. I’m disappointed because I was looking for Nouwen’s insights into the question above. I did find one nugget of inspiration, however, in Nouwen’s reference to Merton: “love is based on the belief in the reversibility of evil.” (32)

[Wade · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoy Henri Nouwen, though this book was not what I expected it to be. I think with the title “Intimacy” I was expecting Nouwen at his usual (and, even at his most) tender, speaking to the inner-self… more of his speaking-to-the-heart type of style. That is not the tone of this book. It is actually much more academic. Written when Nouwen was a bit younger. But, he addresses some really key issues of ministry and depression as well as the loneliness that often stems from being involved in ministry.

[Garrett · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the writings of Henri Nouwen, however as other reviewers have stated, this book is not in line with it's description and stated purpose. Regardless of that fact, I still enjoyed reading it, and while it is fairly dated throughout, I felt it is still worth a read and had an interesting perspective on intimacy in Nouwen's well thought out words. Definitely worth a read if you're a Henri Nouwen fan!