I Hate You (A Love Letter to My Mother): Healing Paper Cuts, Mother Wounds, and Intergenerational Pain

by Suzanne Manser

Through the dual lenses of the child who lived it and the therapist healing from it, this intimate memoir traces the devastating impact of intergenerational trauma, ultimately showing us how to transcend our own lineages and transform our lives.

Suzanne spent most of her life hating her narcissistic mother and trying not to. Now a Harvard-trained psychologist, she grew up desperate to be seen, taken seriously, and chosen over her mother’s next drink. Every day felt like a battle for her existence, and she always lost. Each loss was a paper cut, painful and invisible. The cuts evolved into a festering wound that engulfed her and shaped who she became.

Trying to be worthy, lost behind her perfect, people-pleasing smile, Suzanne hid sexual abuse, bullying, a violent boyfriend, and most of herself. And then she made a decision that changed everything. Slowly, she learned how to create a life centered on her, not on her shame or pain of being her mother’s child.

After her mom died, Suzanne was able to see how their shared lineage of pain had robbed her of the mom she needed and nearly robbed her of herself. She discovered the brute—and brutal—power of the wounds her mother passed down, and she finally understood why she had never been enough.

Suzanne’s story bears witness to any child who was disregarded and lights the path to healing. The psychological wisdom she weaves throughout her story shows us how our parents hurt us, how that hurt shapes us, and how we can reshape ourselves. Her experience-based description of the mother wound validates not only her pain, but ours. This is so much more than a memoir – it’s a guidebook to becoming an active creator in your life, living with less pain and much, much more fulfillment.

I Hate You (A Love Letter to My Mother) is a love letter to all of us. It was written for anyone on their own journey of understanding and changing their relationships with their parents and themselves.

243 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 26, 2024

About the author

Suzanne is a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist with a private practice in Portland, Oregon.

At age eight, inspired by Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume, Suzanne's first career aspiration was to be an author. She ultimately went a different direction and earned her PhD in Clinical Psychology. She has been a therapist for over 20 years.

During that time, she has helped thousands of patients learn how to accept themselves and transform their lives. While her clinical specialties include eating disorders and anxiety, Suzanne is dedicated to helping her patients and readers validate themselves and embrace their self-worth.

In addition to seeing patients in her private practice, Suzanne re-discovered her love of writing after moving to Portland in 2018. She writes articles on living with acceptance and meaning.

Suzanne also loves being near the ocean, hanging with pelicans, and Wild Cherry Pepsi. She spends most of her time with her favorite people in the world – her husband and two kids.

Reviews

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great tool for anyone willing to work through the pain and trauma of their relationship with a parent or someone in their family. This journal provides prompts, exercises and space for reflection, allowing readers to explore their emotions, memories and beliefs surrounding their parent-child relationship. This book would be great for someone in their 20's trying to figure out what the heck just happened to them over the last 20 years. We are all born into this world without a say, to people who are clearly imperfect (just look around us- adults are riddled with anxiety). Even me with perfectly kind parents, knows that my grandparents had some serious stuff to work through. So skipping a generation of pain can sometimes be even more confusing because it's hard to see the entire picture. I think the overall goal for me has been to make peace with my parents quirks and set boundaries that protect me from mental stress, realize that time is fleeting and spend it doing things that lift me up and if it doesn't, I just don't do those things anymore. It works!

[Linda Sienkiewicz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Caveat to this review: I did not hate my late mother. Yes, we butted heads when I was a teenager and young adult, but as a child, I felt her love daily. Yet, some things she did and said were unsettling and often invalidating to me as a child. Dr. Suzanne Manser’s I Hate You: A Love Letter to My Mother helped me untangle those complicated feelings and recognize the ways early experiences shaped my sense of self. She writes with compassion about how to validate yourself, how to speak kindly to yourself, and how to let go of shame.

Her message is both powerful and freeing: you don’t need to change who you are to be lovable. And you can shift your mindset to create a richer, more fulfilling life.

This is a book worth reading for anyone who values the examined life and is ready to explore how self-understanding can lead to healing.

[Anon · Rating 5 out of 5]

The perspective of this book is what makes it so unique. It's not just a memoir that's all stories and feelings. It's not just an education on mother wounds. It's not just a survival guide. It's all three all at once, woven together seamlessly. Somehow, without ever sounding like a teacher, Manser educates her readers in child development, trauma, and so much more through the power of story.

I couldn't put it down. Highly recommended for anyone who is trying to recover from their childhood.

[Alice · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was like a little hug 🫂