Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion

by Emily Jamea

MATING IN CAPTIVITY meets the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES in Dr. Emily Jamea's groundbreaking exploration into the five secrets to lasting intimacy in a longterm monogamous relationship. “Dr. Emily gives us a new way of thinking about how to cultivate great sex..” Keke Palmer, American actress and singerThe experience of total absorption, loss of space and time, and complete merger are feelings that everyone wants to enjoy while making love.However, regardless of everyone’s desire for better sex, passion and sexual satisfaction tend to diminish in longer-term relationships leaving the U.S. divorce rate at around one in every two marriages. Despite these harrowing statistics, the American Psychological Association still claims that close relationships areessential for our mental and physical health, and studies consistently show that sexual satisfaction is k ey to relationship satisfaction.Great sex is something we all deserve.As a seasoned sex and relationship therapist, Dr. Emily Jamea has developed an approach that identifies five tenants—sensuality, curiosity, adaptability, vulnerability, and attunement—to help her clients transform sex from sub-par to extraordinary. Her scientifically based yet relatable approach offers a fresh perspective. Clients, workshop participants, and over 175,000 social media followers agree.Dr. Emily Jamea’s first book, ANATOMY OF Five Secrets to Lasting Intimacy makes her novel approach available to everyone.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Sexuality, Health, Psychology

304 pages, Hardcover

Published November 5, 2024

About the author

Dr. Emily Jamea is a sex and relationship therapist based in Houston, TX. With over 15 years of experience, she has helped thousands of people create connection and cultivate passion.

Her new book, Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion, is currently available everywhere books are sold.

Emily speaks nationally and internationally to a diverse range of audiences including educators, health and mental health professionals, executive and corporate groups, and the general public. Her expertise has been featured in Oprah Magazine, CNN, USA Today, NBC, and more. She offers online workshops as part of her mission to make her knowledge accessible to everyone. Dr. Jamea hosts the popular Love & Libido Podcast, writes columns for Psychology Today and Healthy Women, and posts across all the social media channels @dremilyjamea.
In her free time, Emily enjoys spending time with her husband and children, traveling as much as possible, and salsa dancing and painting when she gets the chance.

Reviews

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mixed feelings on this one! 2.75 stars rounded up. In the introduction I learned that I am literally not the target audience. Apparently this book is not for you if: you have a baby under 1 year old, you’re neurodivergent, or you have trauma. Oops. Checked all 3 boxes over here! Who is this book for?! She also warns you that the book is very hetero but her tips should work for queer couples too.

So here’s…

The Bad
-this could’ve been an article or a podcast. It really doesn’t feel like there’s enough substance for an entire book.
-her research is one study (seemingly a survey?) she did herself. I don’t think it was peer reviewed or anything. It’s interesting, but certainly not definitive.
-the clients she works with are affluent people in Houston who I didn’t find relatable.
-she intersperses literary quotes throughout in ways that felt dumb and like a stretch
-her entire thesis is that sex requires you to get into a flow state; she uses a researcher’s core parts of flow and relates them all back to sex. Cool, but some of them seem forced/like a stretch.
-At one point she rambles about the importance of forgiveness and uses the example of a woman who had a miscarriage needing to forgive her husband for being distant while she grieved in order to be able to enjoy sex with him again. Gross 🥴
-her tone while reading the audiobook gave me the ick. It was very grating and annoying.

The Good
-she does make a lot of legitimately good points about having new experiences with your partner, how your partner can’t be everything to you, the need to be adaptable, the value of planned sex, etc.
-while I’m not sure how qualified she was to talk about attachment, I did find the section on how your attachment style impacts how you show up during sex pretty fascinating.

This book might be for you and you might be able to find some good kernels of insight! But maybe get it from the library, at least if you’re not in her target demo but still curious.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC!

[Anna Makowska · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's one big underlying theme in the death of desire - when life becomes a performance, when we aren't ourselves, when we're just playing roles the society supposedly expects from us, we shut down avenues for desire and true connection. Everything here about trust, communication, adaptability, vulnerability, connection, etc. starts from the common root - dropping the mask and stopping performing / following the script / going through the motions, but instead trying to meet the other person with curiosity, understanding, honesty and open mind.

The book offers practical exercises and prompts for communication, and presents common problem scenarios that occur in couples (being in a rut, cheating, performance anxiety, shame, emotional walling-off, etc.).

One thing I wasn't a big fan of was how heteronormative this book was - every example was cishet, monogamous and the roles assigned to men and women were very gender-stereotypical despite the author's statement they're an amalgam of various cases not any single client. Yes, the author put a disclaimer about it at the start, but I don't feel that's a sufficient excuse. At least there was racial diversity in the couples presented.

Thank you NetGalley and Flatiron Books / Macmillan for the ARC.

[Camille · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5⭐
Long-term relationships aren't doomed to become sexually lukewarm even decades past the honeymoon stage. This is Dr. Jamea's thesis and the reason I picked up an ARC of this book. It's such a common belief (even among therapists) but I've never wanted to believe it. Jamea proposes that applying Czikszentmihalyi's concept of flow (aka "the zone") to long-term, monogamous sex is what creates the lifelong spark her clients search for. Yes! Finally!

This is honestly a fascinating approach. As a professional musician, I'm deeply familiar with Czikszentmihalyi's work, but had never considered that it could apply to a relationship. Jamea outlines 5 ways to achieve flow together; here the book becomes more of Couple's Therapy in a Book, including worksheets and exercises she uses with her clients. It's very holistic and certainly not limited just to sexual health. Sometimes the flow thesis got a little lost in all the other research, but overall I would highly recommend it to any couple to keep on their shelf for reference and reuse. I'm glad I have it on mine! I'm sure my husband and I will be coming back to it for years and years.

A note to the editor, if they see this: in the uncorrected proof, on page 120, the reader is referred to a graphic that is missing from the page.

[Jung · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the whirlwind of modern life, where our attention often splinters between screens and schedules, the innate ability for profound physical connection lies quietly within us, waiting to be awakened. Dr. Emily Jamea’s "Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion" explores this inherent wisdom of the body and unveils a path toward revitalizing relationships. Through real-life stories and psychological insights, she offers a compelling exploration of the five key qualities that nourish intimacy and deepen passion: sensory awareness, curiosity, adaptability, vulnerability, and attunement.

The journey begins with rediscovering presence through physical awareness. Our bodies are naturally wired to experience joy and connection through the senses, but daily distractions often pull us away from this innate ability. Nina and Lucas’s story exemplifies this challenge. While Lucas became engrossed in a high-pressure job surrounded by screens, his physical and emotional connection with Nina faded. Their evenings devolved into moments of disconnection, with each glued to their phones. A turning point came when Lucas returned to his old hobby of rowing. Immersed in the rhythm of the water and the sensations of movement, he began to reconnect with his physical self. This newfound presence translated into deeper moments of connection with Nina, demonstrating how even small acts of sensory awareness can transform relationships. By focusing on the present and engaging the senses fully—whether through mindful eating, quiet exercise, or shared touch—partners can reignite their capacity for intimacy.

Curiosity plays an equally vital role in fostering long-term passion. As couples grow comfortable with each other, they can fall into routines that stifle exploration. Naomi and Richard, for example, seemed to have a perfect life on the surface, but their relationship had become a series of tasks, devoid of wonder. A moment of infidelity forced them to confront the monotony that had settled into their marriage. Through open and honest conversations, they began to rediscover each other’s desires and reconnect with their own passions. Small steps—such as revisiting hobbies or sharing fantasies—helped them rekindle a sense of discovery. Research confirms that relationships thrive when couples challenge themselves just beyond their comfort zones, creating a balance between stability and growth. By staying curious about each other’s evolving needs and dreams, partners can sustain the excitement and intimacy of a new relationship, even after decades together.

Adaptability becomes crucial when life’s inevitable changes challenge intimacy. Parenthood, health issues, and other transitions often require couples to reimagine their connections. Sydney and Shane, new parents, found their once-passionate relationship strained by exhaustion and physical challenges. Traditional solutions, like medication and medical appointments, failed to address the deeper disconnection they felt. Instead, they shifted their perspective, focusing on pleasure and closeness rather than performance. By embracing gentle, pressure-free moments of touch and prioritizing intentional time together, they rebuilt their bond. This process revealed an important truth: intimacy isn’t about recreating the past but about evolving together in response to life’s changes. Through flexibility and communication, couples can create a resilient foundation that supports their connection through all stages of life.

True intimacy also requires vulnerability—the willingness to let down emotional walls and be fully seen by one’s partner. Darius and Iman’s story illustrates how emotional barriers can hinder physical connection. Darius, conditioned by a challenging upbringing to guard his emotions, struggled to connect with Iman on a deeper level. Through therapy, he learned to embrace vulnerability, starting with small gestures like maintaining eye contact. As he gradually opened up, their physical and emotional connection flourished. Vulnerability, often mistaken for weakness, is actually the cornerstone of meaningful intimacy. When partners share their fears, desires, and emotions openly, they create a safe space for mutual understanding and trust. This emotional courage strengthens not just the bond in the bedroom but the entire relationship.

Finally, the art of attunement elevates intimacy to its highest form. When couples deeply synchronize with each other—physically, emotionally, and mentally—they unlock a flow state that transforms ordinary moments into extraordinary experiences. Sloane and Cameron, both highly analytical professionals, initially approached their intimacy challenges with logic and technique, but their efforts left them feeling disconnected. By learning to tune into each other’s subtle cues—such as matching breaths or aligning heartbeats—they achieved a level of harmony that made their connection feel effortless. Scientific studies on mirror neurons, which help us physically experience another’s emotions, reveal how attunement deepens intimacy. This kind of mutual awareness allows couples to move together naturally, creating a dynamic and fulfilling connection.

Dr. Jamea’s "Anatomy of Desire" is a powerful reminder that extraordinary intimacy isn’t about elaborate techniques or quick fixes. Instead, it’s about cultivating a deeper awareness of ourselves and our partners. By embracing sensory presence, curiosity, adaptability, vulnerability, and attunement, couples can rediscover the joy and passion that make their relationships truly special. This journey requires patience, openness, and courage, but the rewards—richer connections, lasting satisfaction, and profound closeness—are well worth the effort. As the book beautifully illustrates, our bodies already contain the blueprint for pleasure and connection; we simply need to create the right conditions to let it flourish.

[Sarah Cupitt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rather than offering quick fixes or complicated techniques, this exploration shows how understanding just a few core principles can awaken deeper levels of intimate experience? anyway fav notes at the bottom to put into practice/think about

Notes:
- From birth, you’re wired to experience life through touch, taste, sight, sound, and smell. But daily distractions pull many people away from these natural sensations, leaving them disconnected from their deepest physical experiences. They end up lacking physical awareness.
- No phones, no screens, just pure movement and presence
- The typical office worker can only focus for eleven minutes straight before getting interrupted. After that break, it takes twenty-five minutes to get back into the zone.
- The path to deeper intimacy requires more than physical connection – it needs curiosity. Research shows that passion thrives when couples maintain genuine wonder about each other, even after years or decades together
- During weekly therapy sessions, something unexpected emerged. Both felt surprised – and secretly intrigued – by Richard’s kiss. Instead of letting this moment break them apart, they used it to rebuild their connection. (okay maybe this book is good timing fml) Together, they created new boundaries that allowed for playful flirtation with others, while staying committed to their marriage. (not what i expected but oh boy)
- great physical connection doesn’t come from following specific steps or rules. It grows from staying genuinely interested in your partner’s changing wishes, concerns, and hopes.
- whether through parenthood, health issues, or other circumstances – couples need more than curiosity to maintain their physical bond. They need adaptability.
- darius exhibited sealed-off sex – using physical connection for tension release while maintaining emotional distance. Iman, however, yearned for synchrony sex – those moments when emotional and physical intimacy blend, creating deep connection through shared vulnerability.

Fav notes:
- Everything changed when their therapist suggested reimagining intimate connection. Instead of viewing sex as a path toward intercourse and orgasm, they expanded their definition of physical closeness. They started with gentle back rubs, soft caresses, holding each other close – all without pressure about where these touches might lead. Some evenings focused entirely on Sydney’s pleasure. Other nights centered on emotional connection through quiet conversations while lying skin-to-skin.
- This new approach challenged a common belief about desire: that it must happen spontaneously to be real. Research tells a different story – couples who maintain passionate long-term connections often plan their intimate time.
- Quiet cuddles before their baby woke up became sacred time. Regular check-ins about physical and emotional needs became routine.
- this kind of flexibility requires something fundamental: the courage to be seen, to be known, to be vulnerable
- physical intimacy flourishes when we bring our whole selves forward
- Special brain cells called mirror neurons activate when we deeply connect with another person. These neurons allow us to physically experience what our partner feels.

[Suzanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are some good tips in this book to be more mindful and present in your romantic relationship, as well as in your own body. I wish it weren't so heteronormative, though. There was a lot of room to explore other kinds of relationships here, although I imagine Emily Jamea's practice in Houston, Texas is probably made up of mostly affluent, cishet couples.
I value things like curiosity, and I think her advice to maintain curiosity about your partner throughout your relationship is very valuable. But Jamea's advice about keeping your relationship fresh is ludicrous, especially in this economy. "Going on a trip with nothing more than a rental car reservation, making a point to try a new restaurant once a month (!!), or stepping outside your comfort zone to try a new class are all simple, wonderful ways to keep your relationship exciting." Simple? A new restaurant once a month? A trip? It's hard to take her seriously when this is her idea of a simple way to liven up a relationship.

[Beth & Luna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't have hated this book more. There were several examples of women expressing hard boundaries (one example is a woman who didn't want to give oral sex) and instead of respecting them, this sex therapist kept pushing them. Gross. I cannot imagine how betrayed that woman must have felt. Instead of being told "you are allowed to have boundaries" she was told to violate them and do something that made her feel uncomfortable.

This theme of expecting women to ignore their boundaries also came up in a chapter where the author was talking about a couple where the man had cheated on his wife. And as another reviewer pointed out, where a woman grieving her miscarriage was told to use her energy forgiving her partner for not being there for her instead.

Vile.

It's clear this "therapist" is not a safe person for their clients.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is a great book and I enjoyed the discussion relating desire and relationships to the concept of flow by Csikzentmilhayi. I found very interesting how the author brought the idea of viewing relationships in general through the lenses of flow and gave us 5 ways for couples to flow together and connect in today’s busy and distracting world.

I found the book very relatable and enjoyed the different life scenarios of some of her clients. Totally recommend this book as it adds value by bring ways to not lose passion and connection in your relationships as we encounter life.

I listened to the audiobook and really enjoyed the narration by Dr. Emily Jamea, it kept me listening and focus as I completed the book.

Thanks to Netgalley and Macmillan Audio for allowing me to listen to the ALC.

[Gary Conachan III · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read for therapists and clients alike!

This book is a must read for those interested in connecting with a partner sexually in more meaningful and fulfilling ways. Using flow state as a framework, Dr. Jamea offers her own research, profound insights from other experts in the field of sex and relationship psychology, personal anecdotes, and client case studies to illustrate how to better connect sexually with ourselves and others. She also offers practical tips, tools, and exercises for folks to practice at home or for therapists to implement in client sessions.

Her writing is clear, concise, and without too much jargon, making it accessible to any and all. I highly recommend this book!

[Ivi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anatomy of Desire is an insightful guide to building deeper intimacy and rediscovering passion in relationships.

This book dives into:
✨ How to get into flow during intimacy
✨ Creating an environment that fosters connection
✨ Communicating your needs and desires openly
✨ Finding the balance between control and vulnerability
✨ Experiencing awe and being fully present
✨ Embracing sensuality in everyday moments

It also beautifully explores intimacy as an escape—a refuge from the stresses of daily life or the challenges of chronic illness and pain.

If you’re looking to strengthen emotional and physical connections, this is an enlightening and practical read.

[Maxine Blackwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this Book to Anatomy of Desire by Emily Jamea, I have learned that your body naturally knows how to create extraordinary connections – it just needs the right conditions to flourish. Profound physical connection grows from five fundamental qualities: sensory awareness, curiosity, adaptability, vulnerability, and attunement. Each quality builds upon the last, creating deeper levels of intimate experience. By understanding and developing these essential qualities, you can tap into your natural capacity for pleasure and create relationships that grow richer and more satisfying over time.

[Synthia Salomon · Rating 3 out of 5]

5 essential qualities
No quick fix
Core principles

Anatomy of Desire (2024) reveals the science-backed principles that transform ordinary physical connections into extraordinary experiences of intimacy. Through real stories of couples facing familiar challenges, you'll discover practical ways to deepen satisfaction and unlock your natural capacity for profound connection. These proven approaches will help you create meaningful physical experiences that grow richer and more fulfilling over time, regardless of relationship length or current circumstances.

Book of the day!

[Teresa Starrett · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the standout aspects of Anatomy of Desire, narrated by Dr. Emily Jamea is how well researched it is. I found the citations and references to be insightful as I listened. Additionally, Dr. Jamea’s narration was excellent as she shared patient scenarios and examples that were applicable. This is definitely a useful book for those who wish to deepen their relationship with their partner and understand themselves.

[Jesse · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley and Macmillan Audio for the audiobook ARC!

In Anatomy of Desire, Dr Emily Jamea offers practical advice, perspective, words of wisdom for a modern generation. As a wife, mother, and professional, she speaks to and connects with a broad audience. Just about everyone should be able to glean some tidbits of helpful information from this book.

[Mags · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic read for anyone looking to maintain intimacy and connection in their monogamous relationship. My partner and I enjoyed listening to parts of the audiobook together. It’s narrated by the author, and it really felt like she was in the room having a conversation with us. The studies she references, both her own and others, are super interesting. Highly recommend!

[Nicole McNichols · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolutely beautiful book that will transform how you approach sex and intimacy. Jamea is a master of sexual communication and creative thinking when it comes to re-igniting a dying flame in the bedroom. Highly reccomend.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Graciously received a free copy through Goodreads.

I'm not currently in a relationship, so couldn't actually try any of the advice in here.

However I didn't like the first half of the book at all, but thought the second half was beneficial.

[Amy Strizic · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t read a lot of self-work books, so grain of salt but I loved this. I enjoyed reading a book about sex and relationship by a female doctor, and her stories and science are well-meshed. It’s interesting and thoughtful and applicable. Amazing book.

[Glenn Stenquist · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good info and discussion

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review to come...

[Sienna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love that the conversation about s-e-x is becoming so open. Great book. The focus is mostly did hetero but I'm guessing the emotional, conversational guidance would be of value to anybody.

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

Only 2 stars because it’s just not really relevant to me. Listened to it because it was a free audiobook.

[A D · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked the book. There is so much shame around sex, so it was refreshing to read about this topic. I also liked the story’s of the clients. I am definitely inspired

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated this book - its focus is on improving sexual intimacy and learning to get to a flow state. Dr Jamea provides a variety of exercises and good examples to help support her research.

[VLeighIsMe · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5

[Midlife Moxy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read to learn how to improve relationships and keep the "fire" going.

Clearly written with practical advice.

[Sid Ahmadi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life. Highly highly recommended for any couple on the struggle bus!

[Mohammad kamal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really change the way I see things.

[Robin Torres · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It is definitely one I will reference for years to come!

[Alana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book. I took a lot of this to heart, not just how to navigate relationships and sex but as a primer for experiencing all pleasures in my life more fully.