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Best of the Skagway, Alaska Police Blotter: And Other True Tales from Alaska's Fun City
The full title of this book is Best of the Skagway, Alaska Police Blotter and Other True Tales from Alaska's Fun City and includes "raw" police blotter entries which have been transformed for 17 years into a popular column in The Skagway News. Author Jeff Brady is publisher of The Skagway News and in his Acknowledgements "We are reminded of the motto of the Bigger Hammer Marching 'In Skagway, we take humor seriously.' "
120 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1995
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September 14, 2016
Skagway Silliness
One of the great joys of reviewing a collection of police blotter entries is that there’s no worry of giving away any critical plot points – there are none! There’s no twist endings to spoil, character surprises to suppress or narrative intricacies to ruin. Nope. I guess I could only hint at what the best entries are, but what fun would that be – gotta have something to write about. So, pull up your silly pants, cause we’re going to riff about not just one silly, stupid police blotter, but two of them – volumes one and two. It’s thanks to volume two that we’ve got all of the great tourist quotes from their new “Heard on the Wind” sections. By beefing up the book with this new addition we get to read tons of great quotes from those cruise adventurers visiting Skagway who ask lots of really dumb questions and make just as many stupid observations.
To keep this exercise educational and myself entertained, we’re gonna come up with awards. Here’s some that will make us happy (me, especially) as we traipse thru this silly slew of police reports and highlights from tourists who saunter up to Skagway.
Tourists crack me up the most – let’s start our award ceremony with them.
Geographical Naiveté Awards
I’m always amazed at how confused folks in the Lower 48 are about just where we are in relationship to the rest of the world. Here are some of the gems.
Winner – Back in the USA
“Look honey, stamps are the same price here as they are back home.”
Runner Up – Sincerest Apologies to Washington State
“A people mover driver on the dock was asked by a passenger, ‘So how much farther does Puget Sound go?’ ‘Ma’am,’ he replied. ‘Puget Sound is in Washington state.’ ‘We’re not in Washington anymore.”’
Honorable Mention – Hawaii – Closer Than You Think
“Tour passenger 1: ‘I’m surprised Alaska is as cold as it is. It’s so close to Hawaii but it’s so much colder.’ Tour passenger 2: ‘What makes you think Alaska is close to Hawaii?’ Tour passenger 1: ‘Well, when I went to school there was a map of the United States in the front of our classroom and in the bottom left corner there was Alaska right next to Hawaii in a little box.”’
Next up for our fair minded travelers is their excellent understanding of Alaska’s nature.
Nature is Amazing Awards
Winner – Oh, Ain’t That Cute
“A woman looking toward a glacier remarked, ‘Oh look, there’s a glacier. What a pretty color it is.’ Her husband agreed, and said, ‘That blue color means it’s a new one.”’
Runner Up – How Seasonal Change Really Works
“Where do they (Skagwegians) put all the wildlife in the winter time?”
Honorable Mention – Grizzlies – Stage Right
“We’re just a couple of weeks early. They bring in the grizzlies when the salmon start to run.”
Okay, let’s get to the best of the police blotters.
Crime in Skagway: Gone to the Dogs, Naked and Without Remorse
Winner – Gone to the Dogs
“A call came in about five dogs cruising 15th and Broadway: one retriever, one husky, one wiener and two small black dogs. The wiener ended up in custody.”
Runner Up – Naked, Sleepwalking Burglar Blames Ghost
A naked, sleepwalking 70-year-old-man, suspected of setting fire to his room at the Klondike Hotel with a cigarette “was found rummaging through clothes in a local residence” about the time the fire was started. “The man told the police he did not smoke… one of the man’s “traveling companions told him his dead wife kept appearing in his room smoking cigarettes … The Skagway fire chief confirmed that the burned area in the hotel beds is consistent with the burn pattern of a cigarette, although no butts were found.”
Honorable Mention: Most Lackluster Apology
A man, who stole a bike, claims he had just “borrowed” it. Bike owner says okay, but apologize. Police inform thief of compromise and thief complains about “being put on the spot.” Officer says: “either apologize at that moment” or face felony arrest. “He promptly went over and apologized.”
Skagway’s police blotter and assortment of incredible statements by their tourists is chock full of incidents, crimes and cries for help to the police that are guaranteed to tickle many funny bones out there. Some reasonable folks who read these journals might scratch their heads and conclude that half of the stuff in here is fake. Is it? I don’t know. You’re gonna have to read it yourself to find out.
Originally published in The Anchorage Press on August 27, 2016.
One of the great joys of reviewing a collection of police blotter entries is that there’s no worry of giving away any critical plot points – there are none! There’s no twist endings to spoil, character surprises to suppress or narrative intricacies to ruin. Nope. I guess I could only hint at what the best entries are, but what fun would that be – gotta have something to write about. So, pull up your silly pants, cause we’re going to riff about not just one silly, stupid police blotter, but two of them – volumes one and two. It’s thanks to volume two that we’ve got all of the great tourist quotes from their new “Heard on the Wind” sections. By beefing up the book with this new addition we get to read tons of great quotes from those cruise adventurers visiting Skagway who ask lots of really dumb questions and make just as many stupid observations.
To keep this exercise educational and myself entertained, we’re gonna come up with awards. Here’s some that will make us happy (me, especially) as we traipse thru this silly slew of police reports and highlights from tourists who saunter up to Skagway.
Tourists crack me up the most – let’s start our award ceremony with them.
Geographical Naiveté Awards
I’m always amazed at how confused folks in the Lower 48 are about just where we are in relationship to the rest of the world. Here are some of the gems.
Winner – Back in the USA
“Look honey, stamps are the same price here as they are back home.”
Runner Up – Sincerest Apologies to Washington State
“A people mover driver on the dock was asked by a passenger, ‘So how much farther does Puget Sound go?’ ‘Ma’am,’ he replied. ‘Puget Sound is in Washington state.’ ‘We’re not in Washington anymore.”’
Honorable Mention – Hawaii – Closer Than You Think
“Tour passenger 1: ‘I’m surprised Alaska is as cold as it is. It’s so close to Hawaii but it’s so much colder.’ Tour passenger 2: ‘What makes you think Alaska is close to Hawaii?’ Tour passenger 1: ‘Well, when I went to school there was a map of the United States in the front of our classroom and in the bottom left corner there was Alaska right next to Hawaii in a little box.”’
Next up for our fair minded travelers is their excellent understanding of Alaska’s nature.
Nature is Amazing Awards
Winner – Oh, Ain’t That Cute
“A woman looking toward a glacier remarked, ‘Oh look, there’s a glacier. What a pretty color it is.’ Her husband agreed, and said, ‘That blue color means it’s a new one.”’
Runner Up – How Seasonal Change Really Works
“Where do they (Skagwegians) put all the wildlife in the winter time?”
Honorable Mention – Grizzlies – Stage Right
“We’re just a couple of weeks early. They bring in the grizzlies when the salmon start to run.”
Okay, let’s get to the best of the police blotters.
Crime in Skagway: Gone to the Dogs, Naked and Without Remorse
Winner – Gone to the Dogs
“A call came in about five dogs cruising 15th and Broadway: one retriever, one husky, one wiener and two small black dogs. The wiener ended up in custody.”
Runner Up – Naked, Sleepwalking Burglar Blames Ghost
A naked, sleepwalking 70-year-old-man, suspected of setting fire to his room at the Klondike Hotel with a cigarette “was found rummaging through clothes in a local residence” about the time the fire was started. “The man told the police he did not smoke… one of the man’s “traveling companions told him his dead wife kept appearing in his room smoking cigarettes … The Skagway fire chief confirmed that the burned area in the hotel beds is consistent with the burn pattern of a cigarette, although no butts were found.”
Honorable Mention: Most Lackluster Apology
A man, who stole a bike, claims he had just “borrowed” it. Bike owner says okay, but apologize. Police inform thief of compromise and thief complains about “being put on the spot.” Officer says: “either apologize at that moment” or face felony arrest. “He promptly went over and apologized.”
Skagway’s police blotter and assortment of incredible statements by their tourists is chock full of incidents, crimes and cries for help to the police that are guaranteed to tickle many funny bones out there. Some reasonable folks who read these journals might scratch their heads and conclude that half of the stuff in here is fake. Is it? I don’t know. You’re gonna have to read it yourself to find out.
Originally published in The Anchorage Press on August 27, 2016.
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