Dating with Integrity: Honoring Christ in your relationships with the opposite sex

by John Holzmann

John Holzmann is convinced that men and women of all ages need one another. He believes each one of us will suffer a distorted view the world if we refuse to enter into and maintain close relations with members of the opposite sex. At the same time, he says, biblical principles disallow the kinds of relationships most of us refer to when we speak of boyfriends and girlfriends.
Using Scripture as his guide and applying insights gained from careful observation of common behavior in our culture, Mr. Holzmann seeks to help readers understand how to become true friends with members of the opposite sex.
Relationships of integrity, Mr. Holzmann says, promote a healthy joy in each other's presence, a freedom that those involved in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships never experience. And they permit you to get to know others--and let them get to know you --far more fully and accurately than boyfriends and girlfriends ever can.

241 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

About the author

John^Holzmann

Reviews

[Suzanne · Rating 1 out of 5]

Meh. Fundamental ideas of treating everyone as a brother or sister in Christ is fine, but if an adolescent reads this book and follows his application, it will be disastrous. Much of the practical guidance would require interpretation by one much more mature than most teens are. Hand holding as a means of comfort WILL almost always be perceived as something else by young adolescents. He only came to his conclusions and applied these principles as a young adult in college. This approach will require much guidance and support, not picking up this book and doing as he did.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought Holzmann gave a great, unique perspective on dating. His main idea is that, as Christians, we are called to treat all our brothers and sisters in Christ as if they were our biological brothers and sisters, even those in whom we have a romantic interest. Furthermore, since we are called to bless our brothers and sisters in Christ, we should likewise focus on blessing the person we're dating. The author calls this "integrity dating." He argues that by sticking to this focus, it helps us 1) to determine what is and what is not biblically appropriate behavior, and 2) to get to know that person better. According to Holzmann, integrity dating entails many things:

- treating both sexes with equal concern; there's no rule that says a girl must pay for the guy or vice versa, or that only the guy can call the girl, for example.

- speaking the truth in love

- no exclusive "ownership" rights

- avoiding sexual intimacy and physical-sexual communication

- spending time together doing different kinds of activities that reveal them for who they truly are, rather than just dressing up for "hot dates."

[JoAnne Styger · Rating 2 out of 5]

Though I did appreciate the heart behind his ideas, I just found that the practical application would be unrealistic for Christian singles. The idea that someone could have a large group of people that they essentially dated up until proposing marriage without threat of pain or heartbreak is far fetched. As a parent, I will definitely use some of his ideas as I formulate how I advise my teens. But I would honestly not recommend it to a young person.

[Bookish · Rating 1 out of 5]

This came with my teen's homeschool curriculum. I decided to pre-read it because I grew up in purity culture and I am approaching healthy relationship dynamics in a different way with my teen. I was hoping for better. This book is your standard purity culture asceticism.

If you want your child to be able to conduct themselves as functional adults who understand the proper spectrum rings of intimacy (strangers>friends>boyfriend/girlfriend>family>spouse) there are better books. If you want your child to understand the importance of boundary setting and consent in romantic relationships (including eventual marriage) there are better books. The purity culture of the 80's and 90's has caused so much damage. You don't have to look far to find the fruits of this movement and see how many people were hurt by purity culture ideals. The posterboy for purity culture himself has disavowed it. Please, don't repeat this cycle with the next generation.

Signed- A Christian mom who cares about her kids' ability to build relationships built on communication and trust, not repression and shame.

[Grace · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought that there were a few good points to think about. However I thought that some of his views were very extreme and I did not agree with them. I think that there is nothing wrong with holding your boyfriends hand or hugging as long as you know your line that you don’t cross. I also don’t agree with going on dates with other people while your dating someone else. I think that to take that step into marriage you need your boyfriend -girlfriend relationship to grow into something more which you can’t do if you’ve totally restricted yourself to the same relationship you would have with just a friend.

[Syd · Rating 5 out of 5]

SO GOOD. I'm not dating currently lol, but this is great info for the future, and it's so nice to start dating and do everything the right way.

Recommended ages 14 & up (for kids who think they're 'ready to date').

[Karis Anne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have very mixed opinions on this book.
To be honest, I'm not even sure what to think.
But it was helpful in some ways. I guess.

[K. Osborn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I will definitely have my teen read this...but I'll be following along. While I liked the premise, I don't believe that all of the concepts introduced are done so in a way that a teen will be able to absorb, so there's going to have to be a lot of conversation - which technically isn't a bad thing. Low stars just because of it's difficulty and vaguely defined concepts (using the sale of a home to introduce buyers/sellers as dating concepts to a teen is kind of...off.)

[Dawn Roberts · Rating 4 out of 5]

Holzmann's model is definitely counter-cultural, even counter to the dating norms practiced by most Christians. Can't say it was all intuitive to me, but he has some great points, though. Food for thought.