My Memory is Shot; All I Retain Now is Water

by Lori Borgman

My Memory is Shot, All I Retain Now is Water, is a collection of amusing and witty essays on the wonders, puzzles and surprises lurking around every corner once you pass 50. Borgman found the usual events that come with the kids growing up and leaving home weddings, showers, and parties, but there were a few other things as well. No sooner do you say goodbye to the kids than you say hello to colonoscopies, bone density scans and cholesterol checks. Your body shifts. For everything to be where it used to be, you d have to walk on your hands. Your kids change, too. When they call it sounds like an obscene phone call with heavy breathing on the other end of the phone. That's because they usually call when they are on their way somewhere, walking to a parking lot, running to a class, or sprinting to catch a train. They see their pest as a consolation prize. "You can t have us anymore, but here, we ll loan you our four-footed friend that piddles in the entryway when he gets excited". Borgman isn't going easily into this new dark night. She calls on the Surgeon General to label Spanx with a warning and grouses about the 14-page wedding registry at the big box stores with brides requesting $80 water goblets when they're all over Facebook drinking out of plastic red Solo cups. Borgman had her husband finally have some time together to talk but they ve forgotten what it was they wanted to talk about. They start breaking all the rules when the kids leave home. The leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight, let the refrigerator door hang open, and have breakfast glued to their laptops. Coffee, tea and PC. Even becoming a grandma has changed. Borgman says there was a time when a woman became a grandma, she tied her hair I a bun, strapped on an apron and went to the kitchen to bake cookies. Today s grandmas are wearing stilettos, getting Botox injections and going to Hawaii on cruises with their live-in boyfriends. Borgman says today s grandmas don t bake cookies, they send gift cards from Pottery Barn. My Memory is Shot, All I Retain Now is Water, is filled with humor but also looks at other passages that come with age, the grief and sadness of losing family. Parents die and childhood homes are listed for sale. Another generation has passed. A big door swings shut with a heavy thud. Borgman has cleaned out four underwear drawers now and she says there s no dignified way about it. Hence, she s issued some very specific directions on what is to be done with her things when she dies. ( bring coupons.) My Memory is Shot will resonate with women of all ages -- those who have been there, done that and got the crow's feet, as well as middle-aged women looking ahead, and young women searching for an explanation for their post-menopausal mothers.

154 pages, Paperback

First published July 5, 2013

Reviews

[Karla]

If you are over a certain age, ahem, then you will understand the humor in this book. My favorite chapter : purse diving. Explanation: when a group of women are together and someone needs, say a Tylenol. Hands go deep into their respective purses and the pharmacy comes out! More options then the best pharmacy. Friends are like that - digging deep to help out! This Erma Bombeck type book will make your day. Easily read and digested. And we "elders" have lived it all:)

[Karen]

My mom heard this witty woman speak at a women's event & purchased this book which she promptly shared with me, as I too am a "certain age." Loved this quick, easy read & laughed out loud many times as Ms Borgman hits the nail on the head over & over. One of my favorite chapters centers around purchasing a Mother of the Groom dress as I recently had this first experience! Perfect how she takes us through the seasons of life as our "package" changes, but our core remains the same.

[Victoria]

This was a funny and easy read