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Alexandra Feodorovna Diaries and Correspondence: Volume 2: Engagement and Marriage 1894
Alexandra Feodorovna, born Princess Alix of Hesse and by Rhine, married Nicholas II and became the last Empress of Russia. Her love for her husband and family, association with Rasputin, and her brutal murder in 1918 are well known, but up to now, her youth and early life has not been well known. Here for the first time, all her childhood and teenage diaries are presented along with a wealth of correspondence, including her letters to Queen Victoria, other relatives and members of the Russian Imperial Family. These letters reveal her to be an affectionate, emotional, caring, and passionate individual with a reflective and contemplative nature. Her ability to express her feelings, convey her desires, and discuss both personal and spiritual matters indicates a depth of character and a strong emotional bond to her loved ones. They also reveal a playful and flirtatious young woman with a strong sense of humour. Now for the first time, an English speaking audience can get to know the real Alexandra Feodorovna through her own words. This second volume presents all of Alix and Nicholas's engagement letters - a 'conversation' where they get to know each other deeply and where we learn much about them as people. The letters are supplemented with diary entries from both Alix and Nicholas providing an insight into the lives of this couple whose lives had a profound effect on 20th century history.
481 pages, Hardcover
Published September 12, 2023
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February 9, 2026
I definitely could have finished this book in like a week, but i decided to pace myself and only read a bit at a time. and i'm glad i did, because it prolonged my time reading this, but also because they are so in love that sometimes it becomes a bit sickening, and makes you feel like you will never know a love like this. and probably none of us ever will!
it was so cool to see their relationship change over the course of the year, becoming more comfortable with each other as they write, and the change in tone after they get to spend a few weeks together. i loved hearing about their day to day lives, also the victorian slang was very fun. we get to see so much of their personalities in these letters, it's amazing! but it's also sad to see them be so carefree, because you know nicholas's dad is going to die before the year is over. the tone of their letters from even just the next year is different, you can tell how much alexander's death and nicholas's coronation changed them both. which is so sad again because all of that is tied up with their wedding, which would have been so happy and sweet otherwise!!
seeing alix's misogyny was so interesting:
“Alix to Nicholas [No 35]
Certainly you shall not have my pains for any thing in the world, men are not in this world to suffer bodily ailments and I pitty every man who has anything the matter with him, more than words, for us women what does it matter, we are the weaker sex alas and so of course more suffering falls to our share.”
i'm sure a lot of it came from the women directly around her, and this part was especially interesting because we know that queen victoria also had legs pains, so i wonder if that's something alix got from her. she is also clearly very self-conscious, but i can't blame her, because i feel like being a young woman in any era in history was probably an exercise in self hated. and it's so sweet to see him counter all her negative feelings about herself in his responses, he is truly the man all teen girls dream of!
“Alix to Nicholas [No 13]
Oh, Nicky sweet, do you really not get frightened when you think of what a creature is to become your wife, will she not drive you mad? I shall do all in my power to get my legs in order till next year, but it is not so easy, and you who are so fond of walking, oh dear, what can I do?
[...]
Nicholas to Alix [No 16]
My beloved girly-darling, do take care of yourself - for the old cow’s sake at least!!! If you only knew how restless I feel being so far away and not knowing what is going on! Oh! how I wish to be near you and be of any possible help! [...] At church I prayed for my little girly-dear and thought so much, so much of you darling, suffering from your poor legs. Why must you have those pains, why is it not me? I wish I could go through agonies that you would only be spared them!”
i also enjoyed all of the foreshadowing in these letters - like nicholas mentioning that one of his biggest flaws is giving in to other people's ideas, which became one of his biggest issues as tsar! and all of alix's quotes about bowing to His will shed so much light on their attitude leading up to the abdication, when it seems like they kind of gave up and resigned themselves to whatever would happen next. alix mentions a few times how hard it is to watch a loved one suffer when there is nothing you can do for them, which made me think of how she must have felt when alexei was sick.
“Alix to Nicholas [No 137]
Why, what is more awful than seeing a beloved one suffer and not being able to help.
[...]
Oh, to press you to my breast and let you cry yourself out.”
this letter especially stuck with me, for that reason but also because in A Lifelong Passion: Nicholas and Alexandra: Their Own Story and Nicholas and Alexandra: The Classic Account of the Fall of the Romanov Dynasty there is a description of alix holding nicholas while he cries when he comes home after abdicating, which was apparently the only time he let himself get emotional about the abdication and everything
i don't know what to say other than i'm so glad that this book exists and that i have access to all of these letters!!!
more quotes:
“Nicholas to Alix [No 8]
Oh! my lovely little girly-dear, I feel so greedy for news from you that I look for your name in the Times and am pleased even with that short Court Circular where they only speak about Granny driving out with this or that person. And when that person is my own little darling I rejoyce! I feel I am telling you such rot and such stupidities you might really get anxious about my mental condition.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 13]
Oh! sweety, if you knew what joy your letters give me, they bring me such comfort and such a delightful calmness sets upon me, to think that my long, long dream has come true at last, that you sweet love are mine, after so many years of anxieties and fright to lose you - no, there can be no expressions and no words to show you the full depth of my love to you and the happiness you gave me! Oh! I want to live, I want many years to get worthier of my own darling little girl’s love and every day as long as I live, I shall pray God for my own sweety’s sake and then praise and thank Him for the happiness He mercifully blessed me with!”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 14]
My beloved Nicky dear, I should like to hold on to one of the swallows passing before my window and flie with them over hill and dale, sea and country to you, my own true love. Such tender kiss I long to press on yr lips and lovely eyes.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 19]
There is a very quick and short way of communicating with people which is called - telegraph. Why didn’t my naughty little owl use it and wire a few words to the distressed cow?”
[...]
All your dear photos and groups simply fill up my table so that I have got hardly any place to move my hands and get cramps while writing. In town my table is bigger - it is going to Krasone - so I shall have more room - or rather I shall put still more photos and then be happy!”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 31]
I have that photo wh you really did not want to have done, noughty boy, also near my bed, and it has such a shy and sweet look - I love it, not you, do you hear? Not you in the least, you old cow, how can you expect an owl to care for a cow, I never heard of such an absurd thing before.”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 27]
But what amused me most as they they said there was no photo of me full length but that all stopped at the calves. Have you ever heard of such an expression to be put in the papers? I roared sweet one…
[...]
Nicholas to Alix [No 29]
I think I have not mentioned to you, my little owl, that Mamma gave me a white-leathered porte-feuillio - only for your letters, isn’t that kind? I’ll bring it with me and show it [to] you.
I think that paper a vile one, where it stood that you were never photo-ed full length but that all stopped at the calves! Too shocking. With pleasure I would have smashed that man’s nose who dared put such expressions in a paper.”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 36]
To have images of the Virgin and Saints I well understand and that one kisses them, why, does one not also kiss the photographs of those one loves [...] But now, to pray to them, like those prayers to the Virgin? Nicky, why? Nicky, I can revere, honour and love her as the Lord’s mother, the purest and best Woman that ever was, but is that a reason to pray to her? ‘Thou shalt have none other God but Me?’ How then is this? Oh, if you were only here to speak about it all to me, it frightens me, I want your help.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 35]
What a joy! They have now brought me your letter – I must stop, put the pen down & read it, or better – devour it up! There. Unluckily the best moment of the day has passed. No, what do I say – that’s rude, because I love writing to my little girly-darling; in fact I could not do without sending you a letter every day. I must have at least an hour’s chat with my beloved precious little bride. So you like that title – the affianced husband – I think it rather official, but cannot bear being called the bride groom – it is deeply offending towards the bride; taking her for a horse, people give her a groom to look after. Shocking idea!!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 38]
The first thing I did, darling pet, in coming here was to rush to the net and behind the little house to that window where you had cut out your name beside mine. And there it remains yet on the glass, ‘Alix, Nicky. 1884’! Fancy! [...] I remember that so well, it was an afternoon, you called me away and took a sort of glass-egg I think, and then we wrote our names! Oh! my own sweet Alix, that made me think so awfully of you - fancy 10 years have past and thank God it has ended so divinely!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 39]
Oh! my beloved Alix, I have given you forever my whole passion and love away, wh is as steady and strong as a rock under a hill, unmindful of any changes or earthquakes happening outside!
My precious one - you may be sure and trustful in your old cow who would gladly give his life away if it were needed for your welfare. It is no boasting on my part, oh! no! my love, I feel it so strongly and it is quite natural. And in return you give me your’s - you say, be blessed, my Alixy-darling, for those words! I believe in all you say so unutterably, so blindly, and so endlessly, that I have got not the courage of asking you about it! My sweet one, you don’t know the immeasurable happiness you have given me. I would like to cry it out to everybody I meet and in all parts of the world!”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 44]
My own precious One,
The wind is howling in a most melancholic fashion and wh makes Schneiderlein distressed, but I like it. It suits my feelings to-night.
[...]
An old cow is making impossible sounds down over on the grass - she does not approve of the weather.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 41]
Fancy, while I was sitting with her, I felt something drop down on my foot, I looked at my watch-chain and there I saw the little medal with your sweet face inside - missing.
Directly I went down on all fours and began searching under all the chairs, sophas, tables, but could not find it! Aunt Sanny also took part in looking after the lost thing and poked into every dark corner of the room! Nothing! I had to leave for the train and went away awfully sad. What was my joy, when arriving at Krasnoe, my cossack tells me that the lost object has been found and will be sent to me with the next train.”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 49]
I am resting on the sopha and trying to read the Prince of India, only my thoughts will fly to you. Also I have got the fidgets in my legs and no Lausbub there to gently stroke them. Everything makes me think of you. I have been looking at yr old photos again as a baby, too sweet and with the dear big eyes. Pussy dear, you won’t cut your hair short, will you? Only trim the beard a little. You see, Spitzbub wants to find Lausbub the same when we meet.”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 54]
I wanted to ask you about some, but could not. I was also afraid my questions might hurt you. By degrees and with God’s help it will all get clearer. That is the chief reason, darling beloved Nicky dear, why I don’t want our marriage to be yet - I don’t feel ready for it - if it were only the marriage it would be another thing, but for the other I must understand what I am saying. You know how I mean it lovy, don’t you? Otherwise you know how I am longing to belong quite entirely to you before the world - in heart I am already completely yours and the links wh fasten our hearts to-gether can never be unfastened or loosened.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 56]
Aunt Alix brought me a letter from Granny, a remarkably loving and kind one, where she says that she relys on me, upon the subject of my looking after you, because she feels ‘anxious when you are out of reach’ with the ‘foolish old doctor.’ Again she calls him so, the poor man! The she sings your praize on five or six sheets running, wh is perfectly right”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 66]
You must come here still, life in the country is so different from town life - we can be out all day in the woods without seeing anyone and can be quite ourselves in God’s beautiful Nature. We two alone under the magnificent trees, loving each other with all our hearts and feeling so utterly content.
[...]
How kind of Granny writing you a nice letter. I tell you, you have quite won her heart, otherwise she would never have left us so much alone where we were with her.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 66]
How I wish I was near you, to whisper in your ears gentle words of love and comfort, nothing makes me more miserable than the thought that by my fault, but unwillingly, you might get into trouble and torment yourself about different things, which I can not help you overcome being far away! Praying relieves one so much of all earthly burdens and then - sweety mine - do always write to me and ask me whenever such a case occurs - speak straight away, openly, never be afraid of telling me anything you want! We must know each other to the very root of our mind and be ever of mutual help to one another, isn’t it so, lovykins?”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 68]
I enclose a letter Toria wrote here in all haste, she wanted so much to see my hut, so I brought her with me for a ½ of an hour. I hope sweetykins won’t be angry with me - you know she is my old and best friend!
[...]
[Granny] calls you now ‘our dearest Alicky’ - I like that our, but do you know that I am going to be jealous of her - she has had you so long, now comes my turn!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 74]
Think of the second evening at Walton!! No, the joy and yet a bit of fear, to say that word out loud, I remember it so well, as we stood near the mantel-piece face to face, before saying good-night and giving the blessing! Because it came straight from the heart, it was so difficult to get the word out! But now it shall come at once out when we meet again, won’t it, lovy-dear?”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 76]
But how can you, Sunny-mine, ask me such a question, whether I am frightened at the thought of having you as my wife? What has made all these years so miserable and sad if it was not the fright of losing you for ever? Oh! that horrid nightmare!!! I can say also, woe to that man who had dared rob me of my treasure - were he my best friend, I don’t know what I might have not done to him!
[...]
I am devouring one of the books you gave me, ‘The Iron Pirate,’ an uncommonly interesting book, you must read when I come! That is the first book I have taken in hand since our engagement, but instead I know all your (79) letters by heart, after that, what do I care for the rest?”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 77]
Poor Ducky layed up in bed - too bad - the poor thing! And my Sunny, of course looking after and nursing the sick, kind, loving angel that you are! My precious one, how am I not to lose my head completely about one so good, so perfect in soul and body as you my Sunny, my joy, my one and all!
“Nicholas to Alix [No 78]
So Mr. Maquay sings to the company every evening - I am sure somebody enjoys him thoroughly by her self what a luck, oh! I mean, what a pity Placons is not coming, that is really too bad? Eh!! Is that very noughty of me, lovy-dear, to say such things, but I have got the fiend in me today. So must keep back much worse things that the pen is itching me to put down.
[...]
Sweety, you must be teazed a little from time to time, nothing I love so much than seeing the oceans aglow with a pretended angry flame in them and a betraying smile at the corner of the lips. And then that noughty twinkle in the left eye wh sends me into raptures every time I see it do that movement!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 80]
Alixy, never tire of telling me about your love, write sheets full of it if it does not bore you, because it maddens me with delight, it seems to be ever divinely new. Sometimes even now when I happen to awake in the night and I think of you, it does all seem like a dream, and a too delightful one for being true!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 91]
The Weeping Willow thanks you and sends you his love! He always looks at all your photos in my room and feels secretly jealous of me I am sure, the poor boy, because no one will ever get such a lovely treasure as his wife as me! That I might say and shall say too, to the world’s face and I defy any one to contradict me, if any one only dares do such a thing! [...] And I am so immensly proud of my Aliy-dear!
[...]
In all events, lovy-dear, I shall try and do my utmost in that way to make you happy, to fulfill every little wish of your’s and to keep every grief and sorrow from you!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 92]
I would have rather stayed at home, but as u[ncle] Wladimir screamed at me that I was lazy and as it does not interfere with the people, because I go out alone, I consented (always the same fault, giving in to what others propose!).”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 101]
I shall get cracked in the brain because I have only a sort of consciousness in the brain, no other thought but ‘Alix.’ That is everything for me! Your name has become an adjective or a symbol of anything good, bright, lovely, merry and sunny! It is a sort of simplified ‘unicode’ in me, the interior voice always answers to everything ‘Alix.’ Oh! how I love these four letters and which I like repeating them out loud to myself.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 108]
Sweety-mine, you say that I am to teach you things - well, I will of course if it is necessary, but you must also - I want you to teach me the Hessian history, because I have got no notion of it, which is a shame. Will you venture to try and make me learn, that would be so nice and nothing is so natural - one teaching the history of his country to another! I promise to learn attentively, as a reward after a good lesson I would like to receive a kiss fr my master! Agreed?”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 113]
I had to think, my heart bleeding the whole time, that this week I might have been somewhere else and could have taken several such walks in the woods of Wolfsgarten with my own little bride! No, it is too sad for words that we could not meet now. All the castles I have been building in the air, fallen down and disappeared as after an earthquake! I shall try not to build any more of them - and yet, how is one to live without doing that? Surely, life in this world is not one continued sorrow?”
substack
it was so cool to see their relationship change over the course of the year, becoming more comfortable with each other as they write, and the change in tone after they get to spend a few weeks together. i loved hearing about their day to day lives, also the victorian slang was very fun. we get to see so much of their personalities in these letters, it's amazing! but it's also sad to see them be so carefree, because you know nicholas's dad is going to die before the year is over. the tone of their letters from even just the next year is different, you can tell how much alexander's death and nicholas's coronation changed them both. which is so sad again because all of that is tied up with their wedding, which would have been so happy and sweet otherwise!!
seeing alix's misogyny was so interesting:
“Alix to Nicholas [No 35]
Certainly you shall not have my pains for any thing in the world, men are not in this world to suffer bodily ailments and I pitty every man who has anything the matter with him, more than words, for us women what does it matter, we are the weaker sex alas and so of course more suffering falls to our share.”
i'm sure a lot of it came from the women directly around her, and this part was especially interesting because we know that queen victoria also had legs pains, so i wonder if that's something alix got from her. she is also clearly very self-conscious, but i can't blame her, because i feel like being a young woman in any era in history was probably an exercise in self hated. and it's so sweet to see him counter all her negative feelings about herself in his responses, he is truly the man all teen girls dream of!
“Alix to Nicholas [No 13]
Oh, Nicky sweet, do you really not get frightened when you think of what a creature is to become your wife, will she not drive you mad? I shall do all in my power to get my legs in order till next year, but it is not so easy, and you who are so fond of walking, oh dear, what can I do?
[...]
Nicholas to Alix [No 16]
My beloved girly-darling, do take care of yourself - for the old cow’s sake at least!!! If you only knew how restless I feel being so far away and not knowing what is going on! Oh! how I wish to be near you and be of any possible help! [...] At church I prayed for my little girly-dear and thought so much, so much of you darling, suffering from your poor legs. Why must you have those pains, why is it not me? I wish I could go through agonies that you would only be spared them!”
i also enjoyed all of the foreshadowing in these letters - like nicholas mentioning that one of his biggest flaws is giving in to other people's ideas, which became one of his biggest issues as tsar! and all of alix's quotes about bowing to His will shed so much light on their attitude leading up to the abdication, when it seems like they kind of gave up and resigned themselves to whatever would happen next. alix mentions a few times how hard it is to watch a loved one suffer when there is nothing you can do for them, which made me think of how she must have felt when alexei was sick.
“Alix to Nicholas [No 137]
Why, what is more awful than seeing a beloved one suffer and not being able to help.
[...]
Oh, to press you to my breast and let you cry yourself out.”
this letter especially stuck with me, for that reason but also because in A Lifelong Passion: Nicholas and Alexandra: Their Own Story and Nicholas and Alexandra: The Classic Account of the Fall of the Romanov Dynasty there is a description of alix holding nicholas while he cries when he comes home after abdicating, which was apparently the only time he let himself get emotional about the abdication and everything
i don't know what to say other than i'm so glad that this book exists and that i have access to all of these letters!!!
more quotes:
“Nicholas to Alix [No 8]
Oh! my lovely little girly-dear, I feel so greedy for news from you that I look for your name in the Times and am pleased even with that short Court Circular where they only speak about Granny driving out with this or that person. And when that person is my own little darling I rejoyce! I feel I am telling you such rot and such stupidities you might really get anxious about my mental condition.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 13]
Oh! sweety, if you knew what joy your letters give me, they bring me such comfort and such a delightful calmness sets upon me, to think that my long, long dream has come true at last, that you sweet love are mine, after so many years of anxieties and fright to lose you - no, there can be no expressions and no words to show you the full depth of my love to you and the happiness you gave me! Oh! I want to live, I want many years to get worthier of my own darling little girl’s love and every day as long as I live, I shall pray God for my own sweety’s sake and then praise and thank Him for the happiness He mercifully blessed me with!”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 14]
My beloved Nicky dear, I should like to hold on to one of the swallows passing before my window and flie with them over hill and dale, sea and country to you, my own true love. Such tender kiss I long to press on yr lips and lovely eyes.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 19]
There is a very quick and short way of communicating with people which is called - telegraph. Why didn’t my naughty little owl use it and wire a few words to the distressed cow?”
[...]
All your dear photos and groups simply fill up my table so that I have got hardly any place to move my hands and get cramps while writing. In town my table is bigger - it is going to Krasone - so I shall have more room - or rather I shall put still more photos and then be happy!”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 31]
I have that photo wh you really did not want to have done, noughty boy, also near my bed, and it has such a shy and sweet look - I love it, not you, do you hear? Not you in the least, you old cow, how can you expect an owl to care for a cow, I never heard of such an absurd thing before.”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 27]
But what amused me most as they they said there was no photo of me full length but that all stopped at the calves. Have you ever heard of such an expression to be put in the papers? I roared sweet one…
[...]
Nicholas to Alix [No 29]
I think I have not mentioned to you, my little owl, that Mamma gave me a white-leathered porte-feuillio - only for your letters, isn’t that kind? I’ll bring it with me and show it [to] you.
I think that paper a vile one, where it stood that you were never photo-ed full length but that all stopped at the calves! Too shocking. With pleasure I would have smashed that man’s nose who dared put such expressions in a paper.”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 36]
To have images of the Virgin and Saints I well understand and that one kisses them, why, does one not also kiss the photographs of those one loves [...] But now, to pray to them, like those prayers to the Virgin? Nicky, why? Nicky, I can revere, honour and love her as the Lord’s mother, the purest and best Woman that ever was, but is that a reason to pray to her? ‘Thou shalt have none other God but Me?’ How then is this? Oh, if you were only here to speak about it all to me, it frightens me, I want your help.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 35]
What a joy! They have now brought me your letter – I must stop, put the pen down & read it, or better – devour it up! There. Unluckily the best moment of the day has passed. No, what do I say – that’s rude, because I love writing to my little girly-darling; in fact I could not do without sending you a letter every day. I must have at least an hour’s chat with my beloved precious little bride. So you like that title – the affianced husband – I think it rather official, but cannot bear being called the bride groom – it is deeply offending towards the bride; taking her for a horse, people give her a groom to look after. Shocking idea!!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 38]
The first thing I did, darling pet, in coming here was to rush to the net and behind the little house to that window where you had cut out your name beside mine. And there it remains yet on the glass, ‘Alix, Nicky. 1884’! Fancy! [...] I remember that so well, it was an afternoon, you called me away and took a sort of glass-egg I think, and then we wrote our names! Oh! my own sweet Alix, that made me think so awfully of you - fancy 10 years have past and thank God it has ended so divinely!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 39]
Oh! my beloved Alix, I have given you forever my whole passion and love away, wh is as steady and strong as a rock under a hill, unmindful of any changes or earthquakes happening outside!
My precious one - you may be sure and trustful in your old cow who would gladly give his life away if it were needed for your welfare. It is no boasting on my part, oh! no! my love, I feel it so strongly and it is quite natural. And in return you give me your’s - you say, be blessed, my Alixy-darling, for those words! I believe in all you say so unutterably, so blindly, and so endlessly, that I have got not the courage of asking you about it! My sweet one, you don’t know the immeasurable happiness you have given me. I would like to cry it out to everybody I meet and in all parts of the world!”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 44]
My own precious One,
The wind is howling in a most melancholic fashion and wh makes Schneiderlein distressed, but I like it. It suits my feelings to-night.
[...]
An old cow is making impossible sounds down over on the grass - she does not approve of the weather.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 41]
Fancy, while I was sitting with her, I felt something drop down on my foot, I looked at my watch-chain and there I saw the little medal with your sweet face inside - missing.
Directly I went down on all fours and began searching under all the chairs, sophas, tables, but could not find it! Aunt Sanny also took part in looking after the lost thing and poked into every dark corner of the room! Nothing! I had to leave for the train and went away awfully sad. What was my joy, when arriving at Krasnoe, my cossack tells me that the lost object has been found and will be sent to me with the next train.”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 49]
I am resting on the sopha and trying to read the Prince of India, only my thoughts will fly to you. Also I have got the fidgets in my legs and no Lausbub there to gently stroke them. Everything makes me think of you. I have been looking at yr old photos again as a baby, too sweet and with the dear big eyes. Pussy dear, you won’t cut your hair short, will you? Only trim the beard a little. You see, Spitzbub wants to find Lausbub the same when we meet.”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 54]
I wanted to ask you about some, but could not. I was also afraid my questions might hurt you. By degrees and with God’s help it will all get clearer. That is the chief reason, darling beloved Nicky dear, why I don’t want our marriage to be yet - I don’t feel ready for it - if it were only the marriage it would be another thing, but for the other I must understand what I am saying. You know how I mean it lovy, don’t you? Otherwise you know how I am longing to belong quite entirely to you before the world - in heart I am already completely yours and the links wh fasten our hearts to-gether can never be unfastened or loosened.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 56]
Aunt Alix brought me a letter from Granny, a remarkably loving and kind one, where she says that she relys on me, upon the subject of my looking after you, because she feels ‘anxious when you are out of reach’ with the ‘foolish old doctor.’ Again she calls him so, the poor man! The she sings your praize on five or six sheets running, wh is perfectly right”
“Alix to Nicholas [No 66]
You must come here still, life in the country is so different from town life - we can be out all day in the woods without seeing anyone and can be quite ourselves in God’s beautiful Nature. We two alone under the magnificent trees, loving each other with all our hearts and feeling so utterly content.
[...]
How kind of Granny writing you a nice letter. I tell you, you have quite won her heart, otherwise she would never have left us so much alone where we were with her.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 66]
How I wish I was near you, to whisper in your ears gentle words of love and comfort, nothing makes me more miserable than the thought that by my fault, but unwillingly, you might get into trouble and torment yourself about different things, which I can not help you overcome being far away! Praying relieves one so much of all earthly burdens and then - sweety mine - do always write to me and ask me whenever such a case occurs - speak straight away, openly, never be afraid of telling me anything you want! We must know each other to the very root of our mind and be ever of mutual help to one another, isn’t it so, lovykins?”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 68]
I enclose a letter Toria wrote here in all haste, she wanted so much to see my hut, so I brought her with me for a ½ of an hour. I hope sweetykins won’t be angry with me - you know she is my old and best friend!
[...]
[Granny] calls you now ‘our dearest Alicky’ - I like that our, but do you know that I am going to be jealous of her - she has had you so long, now comes my turn!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 74]
Think of the second evening at Walton!! No, the joy and yet a bit of fear, to say that word out loud, I remember it so well, as we stood near the mantel-piece face to face, before saying good-night and giving the blessing! Because it came straight from the heart, it was so difficult to get the word out! But now it shall come at once out when we meet again, won’t it, lovy-dear?”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 76]
But how can you, Sunny-mine, ask me such a question, whether I am frightened at the thought of having you as my wife? What has made all these years so miserable and sad if it was not the fright of losing you for ever? Oh! that horrid nightmare!!! I can say also, woe to that man who had dared rob me of my treasure - were he my best friend, I don’t know what I might have not done to him!
[...]
I am devouring one of the books you gave me, ‘The Iron Pirate,’ an uncommonly interesting book, you must read when I come! That is the first book I have taken in hand since our engagement, but instead I know all your (79) letters by heart, after that, what do I care for the rest?”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 77]
Poor Ducky layed up in bed - too bad - the poor thing! And my Sunny, of course looking after and nursing the sick, kind, loving angel that you are! My precious one, how am I not to lose my head completely about one so good, so perfect in soul and body as you my Sunny, my joy, my one and all!
“Nicholas to Alix [No 78]
So Mr. Maquay sings to the company every evening - I am sure somebody enjoys him thoroughly by her self what a luck, oh! I mean, what a pity Placons is not coming, that is really too bad? Eh!! Is that very noughty of me, lovy-dear, to say such things, but I have got the fiend in me today. So must keep back much worse things that the pen is itching me to put down.
[...]
Sweety, you must be teazed a little from time to time, nothing I love so much than seeing the oceans aglow with a pretended angry flame in them and a betraying smile at the corner of the lips. And then that noughty twinkle in the left eye wh sends me into raptures every time I see it do that movement!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 80]
Alixy, never tire of telling me about your love, write sheets full of it if it does not bore you, because it maddens me with delight, it seems to be ever divinely new. Sometimes even now when I happen to awake in the night and I think of you, it does all seem like a dream, and a too delightful one for being true!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 91]
The Weeping Willow thanks you and sends you his love! He always looks at all your photos in my room and feels secretly jealous of me I am sure, the poor boy, because no one will ever get such a lovely treasure as his wife as me! That I might say and shall say too, to the world’s face and I defy any one to contradict me, if any one only dares do such a thing! [...] And I am so immensly proud of my Aliy-dear!
[...]
In all events, lovy-dear, I shall try and do my utmost in that way to make you happy, to fulfill every little wish of your’s and to keep every grief and sorrow from you!”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 92]
I would have rather stayed at home, but as u[ncle] Wladimir screamed at me that I was lazy and as it does not interfere with the people, because I go out alone, I consented (always the same fault, giving in to what others propose!).”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 101]
I shall get cracked in the brain because I have only a sort of consciousness in the brain, no other thought but ‘Alix.’ That is everything for me! Your name has become an adjective or a symbol of anything good, bright, lovely, merry and sunny! It is a sort of simplified ‘unicode’ in me, the interior voice always answers to everything ‘Alix.’ Oh! how I love these four letters and which I like repeating them out loud to myself.”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 108]
Sweety-mine, you say that I am to teach you things - well, I will of course if it is necessary, but you must also - I want you to teach me the Hessian history, because I have got no notion of it, which is a shame. Will you venture to try and make me learn, that would be so nice and nothing is so natural - one teaching the history of his country to another! I promise to learn attentively, as a reward after a good lesson I would like to receive a kiss fr my master! Agreed?”
“Nicholas to Alix [No 113]
I had to think, my heart bleeding the whole time, that this week I might have been somewhere else and could have taken several such walks in the woods of Wolfsgarten with my own little bride! No, it is too sad for words that we could not meet now. All the castles I have been building in the air, fallen down and disappeared as after an earthquake! I shall try not to build any more of them - and yet, how is one to live without doing that? Surely, life in this world is not one continued sorrow?”
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