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Unforgivable?: Exploring the Limits of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is, a lovely idea, wrote C. S. Lewis, and in recent decades it has been seen and admired in situations ranging from therapy to politics, and proposed as a constructive pathway in the aftermath of abuse and atrocity. Not everyone is impressed, however, and in parallel with praise and promotion of forgiveness, cries of 'unforgivable' are uttered with increased shrillness and frequency.
In this hugely compelling, wide-ranging, and thought-provoking book, Stephen Cherry argues that while forgiveness can be transformative in the aftermath of harm, it can also, if not handled with care, become an additional pressure and anxiety for those who have been harmed. He teases out the way in which Christian understandings often lie behind pressure to forgive, identifying a number of typical mistakes with the Christian approach to forgiveness.
Reflecting on many examples from real life as well as literature, and on the insights of psychologists and philosophers, Cherry uses the tension between the desire to forgive and the protest that a person is unforgivable to push towards understandings of forgiveness that avoid the harshness of binary models. Forgiveness is not, he insists, the only good way forward after harm. A positive understanding of non-vengeful unforgiveness is vital if the harmed are to be given the care and support they need and deserve, and if forgiveness itself is to be authentic and liberating.
Cherry's challenging book brims with energy and blends human insight with intellectual vision. It argues that if forgiveness is to play a part in in the aftermath of harm without inflicting further harm it must be presented in a non-idealized way and only following acknowledgement of the depth of the human impact of the harm done.
In this hugely compelling, wide-ranging, and thought-provoking book, Stephen Cherry argues that while forgiveness can be transformative in the aftermath of harm, it can also, if not handled with care, become an additional pressure and anxiety for those who have been harmed. He teases out the way in which Christian understandings often lie behind pressure to forgive, identifying a number of typical mistakes with the Christian approach to forgiveness.
Reflecting on many examples from real life as well as literature, and on the insights of psychologists and philosophers, Cherry uses the tension between the desire to forgive and the protest that a person is unforgivable to push towards understandings of forgiveness that avoid the harshness of binary models. Forgiveness is not, he insists, the only good way forward after harm. A positive understanding of non-vengeful unforgiveness is vital if the harmed are to be given the care and support they need and deserve, and if forgiveness itself is to be authentic and liberating.
Cherry's challenging book brims with energy and blends human insight with intellectual vision. It argues that if forgiveness is to play a part in in the aftermath of harm without inflicting further harm it must be presented in a non-idealized way and only following acknowledgement of the depth of the human impact of the harm done.
- GenresTheology
240 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 28, 2024
7 people are currently reading
24 people want to read
About the author
Stephen Cherry
21 books6 followersStephen Cherry is the Dean of King's College, Cambridge.
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
May 21, 2024
Stephen Cherry has written a brave, sensitive heartfelt and responsible book which explores how forgiveness and the emotions related to it have come to be seen in the modern era, delving into their meanings, interpretations, uses and relevance. It’s one of the most important and thought provoking books I’ve read in a long time.
The author, a Church of England priest with a degree in psychology has dared to ask whether some harms are indeed unforgivable.
He talks about a “faulty doctrine” of forgiveness at work both in the church, the therapeutic industry and in society as a whole which can further harm those who are already the victims of harm. The book looks at how focus often shines on and makes a virtue of the harmed doing the work of forgiving whilst ignoring the role of perpetrators and the responsibility they bear.
I was pretty shocked to learn about the psychological pressure brought on the harmed by Desmond Tutu’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission to forgive whilst offering amnesty (which demanded nothing) to the perpetrators. On page 73, Rabbi Dana Rutenberg is quoted on the other hand as saying that coerced forgiveness is not only toxic but also lethal.
“Unforgivable?” does much more than just look at modern fascination with ideas of forgiveness which can be “naive and distorted”, it looks at real examples of harm and the responses of the harmed and of society as a whole. For example the author discusses Gordon Wilson’s response after his daughter had died in his arms after the Enniskillen bombings when he famously said of the perpetrators “I bear them no ill will.”. This is contrasted with New York Times journalist Roxanne Gay, who in the aftermath of Dylan Roof’s murderous rampage at the Mother Emmanuel Church in Charleston, South Carolina said that she did not forgive the racist terrorist despite having no connection to those murdered. Responses can be personal or societal. The author makes a serious and important point when he says that if we become too proficient at forgiving, no one will get angry enough to seek justice for rape victims – or, I would add victims of murder, genocide and racism.
In part two, these and many other examples are followed by a thoughtful interrogation of the constellation of ideas, responses and moral controversies surrounding the aftermath harm which might illuminate a better way in which letting go as opposed to forgiveness per se might take place. Views of different faiths, philosophers and psychologists are compared and contrasted in a way that enables us to look at pre-existing ideas that we ourselves might unconsciously hold. I found the chapters on repentance and repenting particularly meaningful.
Ultimately, Stephen concludes that ideas about forgiveness alongside societal and religious pressure to forgive have “a shadow side that we ignore at our peril” and that there are some harms that really are unforgivable.
This timely book opens a thought provoking space for a new dialogue about the impact of harm on those who are harmed, the perpetrators of harm and ideas about forgiveness which is long overdue.
The author, a Church of England priest with a degree in psychology has dared to ask whether some harms are indeed unforgivable.
He talks about a “faulty doctrine” of forgiveness at work both in the church, the therapeutic industry and in society as a whole which can further harm those who are already the victims of harm. The book looks at how focus often shines on and makes a virtue of the harmed doing the work of forgiving whilst ignoring the role of perpetrators and the responsibility they bear.
I was pretty shocked to learn about the psychological pressure brought on the harmed by Desmond Tutu’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission to forgive whilst offering amnesty (which demanded nothing) to the perpetrators. On page 73, Rabbi Dana Rutenberg is quoted on the other hand as saying that coerced forgiveness is not only toxic but also lethal.
“Unforgivable?” does much more than just look at modern fascination with ideas of forgiveness which can be “naive and distorted”, it looks at real examples of harm and the responses of the harmed and of society as a whole. For example the author discusses Gordon Wilson’s response after his daughter had died in his arms after the Enniskillen bombings when he famously said of the perpetrators “I bear them no ill will.”. This is contrasted with New York Times journalist Roxanne Gay, who in the aftermath of Dylan Roof’s murderous rampage at the Mother Emmanuel Church in Charleston, South Carolina said that she did not forgive the racist terrorist despite having no connection to those murdered. Responses can be personal or societal. The author makes a serious and important point when he says that if we become too proficient at forgiving, no one will get angry enough to seek justice for rape victims – or, I would add victims of murder, genocide and racism.
In part two, these and many other examples are followed by a thoughtful interrogation of the constellation of ideas, responses and moral controversies surrounding the aftermath harm which might illuminate a better way in which letting go as opposed to forgiveness per se might take place. Views of different faiths, philosophers and psychologists are compared and contrasted in a way that enables us to look at pre-existing ideas that we ourselves might unconsciously hold. I found the chapters on repentance and repenting particularly meaningful.
Ultimately, Stephen concludes that ideas about forgiveness alongside societal and religious pressure to forgive have “a shadow side that we ignore at our peril” and that there are some harms that really are unforgivable.
This timely book opens a thought provoking space for a new dialogue about the impact of harm on those who are harmed, the perpetrators of harm and ideas about forgiveness which is long overdue.
July 25, 2025
3 ⭐️
Finished reading ... Unforgivable?: Exploring the Limits of Forgiveness / Stephen Cherry .... 25 July 2025
ISBN: 9781399401326 ..... 212 pp. + Notes
Having been brought up in the Chitian tradition and regularly hearing the gospel passage about how often you should forgive your neighbour, I've felt pressure at times to forgive a wrong and I've also wondered if forgiveness is right if a person isn't sorry.
This book deals with that and also looks at forgiveness from a non-Christian or other similar perspective and from a secular aspect.
Cherry suggests what Jesus was talking about was the minor "trespasses" that most people commit daily where we all need to cut each other some slack while trying to make ourselves better ... that Jesus wasn't talking in that way about the Big Stuff. The author mostly talks about killing or murder but does say it also applies to other things that are big but not as final as death.
The author talks about care of the "harmed person" eg would granting forgiveness cause additional trauma for the victim, and also mentions things to consider about the person who has "done harm" eg do they recognise/acknowledge that they have harmed someone.
While he doesn't prescribe a formula this is a guide that can loosely cover many situations. This is valuable and on this account would recommend this book to anyone feeling unable to forgive someone, or anyone feeling pressured to forgive someone.
But ...
I found the writing somewhat convoluted at times. And I didn't like the contrived letters to the author as imagined by himself. He uses real examples too and should have used more real examples as needed. I didn't bother to read the contrived replies to these contrived letters. I found enough to satisfy my questions without reading that final chapter.
I also came to the conclusion that forgiveness isn't always the right word.
In short - some excellent insights but the writing is clunky.
Worth the effort if 'forgiveness' raises questions for you.
January 13, 2025
I wanted to read this as a counterpoint for what we tend to hear about/think about forgiveness. It was interesting and although I didn’t agree with all of it, it was a different perspective and I appreciated learning and hearing perspectives and opinions that are different from my own. I do think there were a lot of good points made and things for me to continue to ponder and understand better.
November 18, 2024
Cherry moves deeply into the concept of forgiveness, wrestling with the hardest questions about shoulds and responsibilities without falling into empty platitudes.
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews