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Ex'd Out: How I Fired the Shame Committee
John Smid was a well known national leader and spokesperson with the message of "Freedom from homosexuality through Jesus Christ."
Within these pages he describes the journey that he embarked upon after he said "God, Surprise Me!"
A provocative and personal journal of how John "exited" the ex-gay world and began the process of integration into an authentic life.
Within these pages he describes the journey that he embarked upon after he said "God, Surprise Me!"
A provocative and personal journal of how John "exited" the ex-gay world and began the process of integration into an authentic life.
- GenresLGBT
292 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 2, 2012
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February 29, 2024
THE FORMER ‘LOVE IN ACTION’ DIRECTOR EXPLAINS HIS CHANGES
Author John Smid wrote in the Introduction to this 2012 book. “After twenty-three years of faithful service to hundreds, if not thousands of men and women, through a formal ministry called Love in Action. I resigned in May of 2008. I had been known worldwide as one of the stable men who fought fearlessly for the truth of God, that He condemned the practice of homosexuality. The ministry I was involved in … also included a residential program and was unparalleled by other models of ministry that proclaimed ‘Freedom from Homosexuality through Jesus Christ.' My work included public speaking and leading conferences on three continents and traveling throughout the United States, handing out thousands of pages of personally written material to people who were hurting. They were desiring to hear that God could and would dramatically change someone’s sexuality so that homosexuality would no longer be a burden.” (Pg. xiii)
He continues, “During the next four years, I began to evaluate my previous years of ministry and realized that there was something new coming directly from God that was beginning to change my entire baseline of thoughts about Him, and about homosexuality. I also realized that I had made many mistakes… Through these pages you will find not only my open-hearted and extensive personal process, but also a serious in depth apology unlike any that has been written before by anyone who was in leadership within the … ex-gay ministry.” (Pg. xiv)
He recalls in the first chapter, “Thirty years ago, something dramatic occurred within my life. Prior to becoming an active Christian I had no purpose, seemingly no skills, no real gift to mankind… But when I discovered a tangible faith in God, it seemed that everything I put my hand to became a significant role for me to play within its structure or program… I was the founder and director for Clowns for Christ, a pantomime clown outreach ministry… soon I became a front-end guy for … a vibrant Christian singles ministry… I attended singles ministry leadership conferences… My direction changed when I discovered ex-gay ministries in the summer of 1986 and went on staff with Love in Action as a House Leader for their residential community… Then [in]… 1990, I was asked to become the Director for the entire ministry. The next summer I was elected to the Board of Directors for Exodus International, a national coalition for ex-gay ministries… I was a very well-known ex-gay… I looked as though I had fought the odds of the homosexual plight and had won.” (Pg. 4-5)
He recounts, “Love in Action was formed in 1973 when a small group of people and a pastor began to meet to find a way to encourage and support people who had admitted they were gay and struggling with their faith. This group grew into a formal ministry… The first director [was] Frank Worthen… During the mid seventies … the Jesus Movement was very strong in California. There were Christian houses for single and married people to live together…. The Church of the Open Door facilitated several of these houses … Love in Action staff and the pastors of this church decided that it might be a good thing to develop a Christian house for gay people seeking support and encouragement... The ministry to homosexuals was a brand new concept… As Love in Action grew to be more well known, their residential program grew as well… Frank Worthen resigned from the ministry to begin a mission outreach in Manila, Philippines… I was appointed … [as] Director…” (Pg. 9-11)
He continues, “In just a couple of years, our program increased in size so much that we were overwhelming our small church in Marin County… a church in Memphis Tennessee invited us to move and come under their support… Our program was now a nationwide model… When we saw the culture changing and there was a decrease in enrollment we sought outside counsel for how to match the changing times… we finally were able to hire a full time community outreach coordinator… Everything seemed to be going extremely well…. We had become one of the few ex-gay ministries that had credentials that the world would deem appropriate for a ministry like outs.” (Pg. 11-13) He goes on, “in June of 2005 … we were struggling with internal staff breakdowns and a protest … on our new campus. This was the beginning of huge changes in the ministry, and … huge changes in my own life.” (Pg. 15)
He reports, “I was part of an organized church that [had] … thousands who attended its services… After a horrible internal breakdown in … 2006, two-thirds of the congregation, including my wife and me, along with the majority of the staff including the senior pastor walked out the door. Literally thousands were deeply wounded… [After] a couple of years of tremendous heartache from all of the conflicts, in 2008 I left my position with Love in Action. I believed that God had something He was leading me to… Upon my departure from Love in Action, my pastor invited me to share a teaching series with a small group at church… But.. I heard rumblings of discontent … that seemed to have been developing over a period of months… One Sunday morning … there was a split. The elders and staff resigned, leaving the pastor and about one half of the original congregation in the wake… Many of the departing members quickly reorganized and … announc[ed] the beginning of a new church… I was swimming in discouragement and hopelessness. What am I going to do now? … I released myself from Sunday church attendance obligations. I soon felt freer than I had been in a long time. After a few months, I felt God answer my questions in another very unique way…” (Pg. 32, 34-35)
He continues, “I had heard for many years… [about a man] who was gay and claimed to be a Christian. Michael Bussee was one of the men who arranged the very first Exodus International conference… Michael and I had a lot in common, both having been previously married and divorced. Michael went into a gay relationship and I went on to marry Vileen, but we had many shared experiences to talk about… [His friend Lisa] told me of a man named Todd Ferrell… we set a time to talk… I was looking for [his] excuses, like rationalizing Scripture to their own tastes… but I found none of that… I realized that many outreach attempts in urban areas like San Francisco are based on … handing out tracts. But… Todd and his church were really going for it to touch these people in a very real and physical way.” (Pg. 43-44) He adds, “I still had a deep burden… focused on people within the gay community. Meeting Michael Bussee and Todd Ferrell challenged me… I realized that there is an entirely different side to homosexuality that I have never explored before… there were gay people who had a sincere heart for God who truly wanted Him to fill their lives and to follow Him to the best of their ability… God had a plan for me that I had never expected.” (Pg. 46)
He states that in 2010, “For many years … I have heard that some people have said they were … wounded from their experience with Love in Action of Exodus International… Since I was in leadership with both organizations I have certainly been at the center of many of the criticisms… an editor from a well-read blog called the ‘Ex-Gay Watch’ contacted me… I shared with him … how my heart had become more open to building relationships within the gay community. He recommended that I come up with an apology first…. and that if I could find it in my heart to apologize for the things I had done to wound them through my involvement with Love in Action, it might help me to build trust in order to be heard.” (Pg. 63-64) He reprints his apology (posted on Ex-Gay Watch), which ends with, “I am leading a new ministry called Grace Rivers. Its primary focus isn’t to be an ex-gay ministry but… within the context of offering grace and the Love of Jesus we are starting grace groups for people impacted by homosexuality.” (Pg. 65-69)
He attends a conference where “they had a panel of what was called ‘straight allies.’ … The men who participated were Chuck Smith Jr. (son of … the father of the Jesus Movement…) … Andrew Martin (author of ‘Love is an Orientation’)… Jay Bakker… [and] Mark Tidd (Evangelical pastor or Denver’s The Highlands Church’)… each one shared his stories of meeting men and women in the gay community who loved God and wanted to serve Him. They shared how meeting these gay folks had challenged their own theologies regarding the gay issue.” (Pg. 77-78)
He recalls, “At Love in Action, we leased a billboard … which read: ‘I used to be a homosexual’ (1 Cor 6:9-11)… I realize it was deceptive! I didn’t ‘used to be’ a homosexual. I was still a homosexual! And to proclaim something that was untrue was something that I don’t believe God could bless… I want you to know that if you are gay, you are loved by God as you are. The homosexual orientation is no one’s choice and it does not… take away from God’s desire to know you, love you, and save you from an eternity without Him… No one is any farther away from God than another and all are equally able to seek Jesus for … salvation.” (Pg. 174-175)
He explains, “I have learned how an addiction model makes the assumption that people who are gay need recovery. This mindset … can perpetuate the faulty message that gay people are damaged goods and deceived.” (Pg. 177) He continues, “I now retract my theories that there is no such thing as a homosexual person. I now believe in intrinsic homosexuality, that many people experience what is virtually unchangeable with the exception of a miracle.” (Pg. 183)
He adds, “I’m not denying there is hope for change!... In our life journey, we do experience changes in our personalities, our desires, and some of the seemingly intrinsic features we have carried along with us. And yes, some people do experience changes in their sexuality. I will not deny … the things that God may do. The challenge to look at is this: What is the motivation for the message of change? Is it to see someone experience the goodness in God? Or is it to somehow eradicate being gay from our life, or someone else’s?... Do we want to change people who are gay because we are uncomfortable being around them?” (Pg. 207) He acknowledges, “I know for certain that many of them found a deeper and more valid relationship with God as a result of being involved with Love in Action.” (Pg. 214)
He concludes, “The world is not a gay-friendly world. But as I think about my life as a gay person, the disconnect has always caused me to … believe there was something wrong with me from the inside out. So, I decided to fire the Shame Committee. I can do nothing about being gay… I will be gay for the duration of my lifetime… Being gay for me… is about an intrinsic part of my being… I desire to integrate the facets of my life into one being… I have decided that I am not going to accept that being gay is sinful… My sexual orientation as a gay man is spiritually neutral… it does not in and of itself mean I am living in sin.” (Pg. 233-234)
This book will be of great interest to those studying Christianity and LGBT issues, and the ‘ex-gay’ question in particular.
Author John Smid wrote in the Introduction to this 2012 book. “After twenty-three years of faithful service to hundreds, if not thousands of men and women, through a formal ministry called Love in Action. I resigned in May of 2008. I had been known worldwide as one of the stable men who fought fearlessly for the truth of God, that He condemned the practice of homosexuality. The ministry I was involved in … also included a residential program and was unparalleled by other models of ministry that proclaimed ‘Freedom from Homosexuality through Jesus Christ.' My work included public speaking and leading conferences on three continents and traveling throughout the United States, handing out thousands of pages of personally written material to people who were hurting. They were desiring to hear that God could and would dramatically change someone’s sexuality so that homosexuality would no longer be a burden.” (Pg. xiii)
He continues, “During the next four years, I began to evaluate my previous years of ministry and realized that there was something new coming directly from God that was beginning to change my entire baseline of thoughts about Him, and about homosexuality. I also realized that I had made many mistakes… Through these pages you will find not only my open-hearted and extensive personal process, but also a serious in depth apology unlike any that has been written before by anyone who was in leadership within the … ex-gay ministry.” (Pg. xiv)
He recalls in the first chapter, “Thirty years ago, something dramatic occurred within my life. Prior to becoming an active Christian I had no purpose, seemingly no skills, no real gift to mankind… But when I discovered a tangible faith in God, it seemed that everything I put my hand to became a significant role for me to play within its structure or program… I was the founder and director for Clowns for Christ, a pantomime clown outreach ministry… soon I became a front-end guy for … a vibrant Christian singles ministry… I attended singles ministry leadership conferences… My direction changed when I discovered ex-gay ministries in the summer of 1986 and went on staff with Love in Action as a House Leader for their residential community… Then [in]… 1990, I was asked to become the Director for the entire ministry. The next summer I was elected to the Board of Directors for Exodus International, a national coalition for ex-gay ministries… I was a very well-known ex-gay… I looked as though I had fought the odds of the homosexual plight and had won.” (Pg. 4-5)
He recounts, “Love in Action was formed in 1973 when a small group of people and a pastor began to meet to find a way to encourage and support people who had admitted they were gay and struggling with their faith. This group grew into a formal ministry… The first director [was] Frank Worthen… During the mid seventies … the Jesus Movement was very strong in California. There were Christian houses for single and married people to live together…. The Church of the Open Door facilitated several of these houses … Love in Action staff and the pastors of this church decided that it might be a good thing to develop a Christian house for gay people seeking support and encouragement... The ministry to homosexuals was a brand new concept… As Love in Action grew to be more well known, their residential program grew as well… Frank Worthen resigned from the ministry to begin a mission outreach in Manila, Philippines… I was appointed … [as] Director…” (Pg. 9-11)
He continues, “In just a couple of years, our program increased in size so much that we were overwhelming our small church in Marin County… a church in Memphis Tennessee invited us to move and come under their support… Our program was now a nationwide model… When we saw the culture changing and there was a decrease in enrollment we sought outside counsel for how to match the changing times… we finally were able to hire a full time community outreach coordinator… Everything seemed to be going extremely well…. We had become one of the few ex-gay ministries that had credentials that the world would deem appropriate for a ministry like outs.” (Pg. 11-13) He goes on, “in June of 2005 … we were struggling with internal staff breakdowns and a protest … on our new campus. This was the beginning of huge changes in the ministry, and … huge changes in my own life.” (Pg. 15)
He reports, “I was part of an organized church that [had] … thousands who attended its services… After a horrible internal breakdown in … 2006, two-thirds of the congregation, including my wife and me, along with the majority of the staff including the senior pastor walked out the door. Literally thousands were deeply wounded… [After] a couple of years of tremendous heartache from all of the conflicts, in 2008 I left my position with Love in Action. I believed that God had something He was leading me to… Upon my departure from Love in Action, my pastor invited me to share a teaching series with a small group at church… But.. I heard rumblings of discontent … that seemed to have been developing over a period of months… One Sunday morning … there was a split. The elders and staff resigned, leaving the pastor and about one half of the original congregation in the wake… Many of the departing members quickly reorganized and … announc[ed] the beginning of a new church… I was swimming in discouragement and hopelessness. What am I going to do now? … I released myself from Sunday church attendance obligations. I soon felt freer than I had been in a long time. After a few months, I felt God answer my questions in another very unique way…” (Pg. 32, 34-35)
He continues, “I had heard for many years… [about a man] who was gay and claimed to be a Christian. Michael Bussee was one of the men who arranged the very first Exodus International conference… Michael and I had a lot in common, both having been previously married and divorced. Michael went into a gay relationship and I went on to marry Vileen, but we had many shared experiences to talk about… [His friend Lisa] told me of a man named Todd Ferrell… we set a time to talk… I was looking for [his] excuses, like rationalizing Scripture to their own tastes… but I found none of that… I realized that many outreach attempts in urban areas like San Francisco are based on … handing out tracts. But… Todd and his church were really going for it to touch these people in a very real and physical way.” (Pg. 43-44) He adds, “I still had a deep burden… focused on people within the gay community. Meeting Michael Bussee and Todd Ferrell challenged me… I realized that there is an entirely different side to homosexuality that I have never explored before… there were gay people who had a sincere heart for God who truly wanted Him to fill their lives and to follow Him to the best of their ability… God had a plan for me that I had never expected.” (Pg. 46)
He states that in 2010, “For many years … I have heard that some people have said they were … wounded from their experience with Love in Action of Exodus International… Since I was in leadership with both organizations I have certainly been at the center of many of the criticisms… an editor from a well-read blog called the ‘Ex-Gay Watch’ contacted me… I shared with him … how my heart had become more open to building relationships within the gay community. He recommended that I come up with an apology first…. and that if I could find it in my heart to apologize for the things I had done to wound them through my involvement with Love in Action, it might help me to build trust in order to be heard.” (Pg. 63-64) He reprints his apology (posted on Ex-Gay Watch), which ends with, “I am leading a new ministry called Grace Rivers. Its primary focus isn’t to be an ex-gay ministry but… within the context of offering grace and the Love of Jesus we are starting grace groups for people impacted by homosexuality.” (Pg. 65-69)
He attends a conference where “they had a panel of what was called ‘straight allies.’ … The men who participated were Chuck Smith Jr. (son of … the father of the Jesus Movement…) … Andrew Martin (author of ‘Love is an Orientation’)… Jay Bakker… [and] Mark Tidd (Evangelical pastor or Denver’s The Highlands Church’)… each one shared his stories of meeting men and women in the gay community who loved God and wanted to serve Him. They shared how meeting these gay folks had challenged their own theologies regarding the gay issue.” (Pg. 77-78)
He recalls, “At Love in Action, we leased a billboard … which read: ‘I used to be a homosexual’ (1 Cor 6:9-11)… I realize it was deceptive! I didn’t ‘used to be’ a homosexual. I was still a homosexual! And to proclaim something that was untrue was something that I don’t believe God could bless… I want you to know that if you are gay, you are loved by God as you are. The homosexual orientation is no one’s choice and it does not… take away from God’s desire to know you, love you, and save you from an eternity without Him… No one is any farther away from God than another and all are equally able to seek Jesus for … salvation.” (Pg. 174-175)
He explains, “I have learned how an addiction model makes the assumption that people who are gay need recovery. This mindset … can perpetuate the faulty message that gay people are damaged goods and deceived.” (Pg. 177) He continues, “I now retract my theories that there is no such thing as a homosexual person. I now believe in intrinsic homosexuality, that many people experience what is virtually unchangeable with the exception of a miracle.” (Pg. 183)
He adds, “I’m not denying there is hope for change!... In our life journey, we do experience changes in our personalities, our desires, and some of the seemingly intrinsic features we have carried along with us. And yes, some people do experience changes in their sexuality. I will not deny … the things that God may do. The challenge to look at is this: What is the motivation for the message of change? Is it to see someone experience the goodness in God? Or is it to somehow eradicate being gay from our life, or someone else’s?... Do we want to change people who are gay because we are uncomfortable being around them?” (Pg. 207) He acknowledges, “I know for certain that many of them found a deeper and more valid relationship with God as a result of being involved with Love in Action.” (Pg. 214)
He concludes, “The world is not a gay-friendly world. But as I think about my life as a gay person, the disconnect has always caused me to … believe there was something wrong with me from the inside out. So, I decided to fire the Shame Committee. I can do nothing about being gay… I will be gay for the duration of my lifetime… Being gay for me… is about an intrinsic part of my being… I desire to integrate the facets of my life into one being… I have decided that I am not going to accept that being gay is sinful… My sexual orientation as a gay man is spiritually neutral… it does not in and of itself mean I am living in sin.” (Pg. 233-234)
This book will be of great interest to those studying Christianity and LGBT issues, and the ‘ex-gay’ question in particular.
July 4, 2017
John Smid's journey is an important one and I'm glad it is now documented.
John shares his journey from the early 1970's dealing with the conflict of his homosexuality and his faith. Particularly the quest to be straight so often promised to many of us. We just had to keep trying. John did for nearly four decades.
Being involved in the ex-gay/reparative/conversion world and industry from it's very beginning, even before Exodus was founded in 1976, he gives us insights not only into his personal journey but also at times an historical record of events. At the peak he was the director of Love in Action a residential program to change gay people to straight. Surprisingly it was an LGBT protest outside the premises in 2005 that causes John to begin to re-evaluate his life and the theology that has been the foundation of his life. Conversations later with the protest organiser Morgan are vital to the transformation John is experiencing. This is a common theme in these situations where someone is prepared to sit down, share and most importantly......listen.
John does.....but there is also another voice refusing to be ignored. It is the voice of God in his heart saying it's time to be real, honest, open and authentic. When he ventures into this unchartered personal space he discovers grace. Grace which is far more powerful that theology and concepts he's been used to. It breaks into his life as a transforming revelation.
John resigned from Love in Action in 2008 and his journey has continued to unfold into freedom and doing what he can to repair the damage he created in the lives of others.
Remorse and asking for forgiveness occurs regularly within this work.
The book is written in a journaling style. As one reviewer has mentioned the book could have benefited from some editing to remove the repetitions and improve the flow of the story. I would agree. However, this didn't stop me from gaining further insight into the life of a man who wanted desperately to be straight, rose to be one of the leaders of the US gay conversion machine and came out the other end 40 years later.....still gay......and now married to the man he fell in love with.
Anthony Venn-Brown
Author of 'A Life of Unlearning – a preacher's struggle with his homosexuality, church and faith.'
John shares his journey from the early 1970's dealing with the conflict of his homosexuality and his faith. Particularly the quest to be straight so often promised to many of us. We just had to keep trying. John did for nearly four decades.
Being involved in the ex-gay/reparative/conversion world and industry from it's very beginning, even before Exodus was founded in 1976, he gives us insights not only into his personal journey but also at times an historical record of events. At the peak he was the director of Love in Action a residential program to change gay people to straight. Surprisingly it was an LGBT protest outside the premises in 2005 that causes John to begin to re-evaluate his life and the theology that has been the foundation of his life. Conversations later with the protest organiser Morgan are vital to the transformation John is experiencing. This is a common theme in these situations where someone is prepared to sit down, share and most importantly......listen.
John does.....but there is also another voice refusing to be ignored. It is the voice of God in his heart saying it's time to be real, honest, open and authentic. When he ventures into this unchartered personal space he discovers grace. Grace which is far more powerful that theology and concepts he's been used to. It breaks into his life as a transforming revelation.
John resigned from Love in Action in 2008 and his journey has continued to unfold into freedom and doing what he can to repair the damage he created in the lives of others.
Remorse and asking for forgiveness occurs regularly within this work.
The book is written in a journaling style. As one reviewer has mentioned the book could have benefited from some editing to remove the repetitions and improve the flow of the story. I would agree. However, this didn't stop me from gaining further insight into the life of a man who wanted desperately to be straight, rose to be one of the leaders of the US gay conversion machine and came out the other end 40 years later.....still gay......and now married to the man he fell in love with.
Anthony Venn-Brown
Author of 'A Life of Unlearning – a preacher's struggle with his homosexuality, church and faith.'
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews