Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

by John Townsend, Jay Charles (Reader)

Establish wise and loving limits that make a positive difference in your teen, in the rest of your family, and in you. The teen relationships, peer pressure, school, dating, character. To help teenagers grow into healthy adults, parents and youth workers need to teach them how to take responsibility for their behavior, their values, and their lives. From bestselling author and counselor Dr. John Townsend, Boundaries with Teens is the expert insight and guidance you need to help your teens take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions and gain a deeper appreciation and respect both for you and for themselves. With wisdom and empathy, Dr. Townsend applies biblically based principles for the challenging task of guiding your children through the teen years. Using the same principles he used to successfully raise two teens, he shows you how Deal with disrespectful attitudes and impossible behavior in your teenSet healthy limits and realistic consequencesBe loving and caring while establishing rulesDetermine specific strategies to deal with problems both big and small Discover how boundaries make parenting teens better today! Plus, check out Boundaries family collection of books dedicated to key areas of life - dating, marriage, raising young kids, and leadership. Workbooks and Spanish editions are also available.

Genres: Parenting

1 pages, Audio CD

Published January 20, 2006

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.

Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist, popular speaker, co-host of the nationally broadcast New Life Live! radio program, and a cofounder of the Cloud-Townsend Clinic and Cloud-Townsend Resources. He has written or co-written twenty-seven books, including the bestselling Boundaries, Safe People, and Hiding from Love. He and his wife, Barbi, live in southern California. They have two grown sons.

Reviews

[Jenna Knight · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! This is one I so deeply wish I had 5 years ago when we first entered the teen years. This book is insightful and helpful and has reaffirmed all the things we have learned in family counseling. It’s easy to read and thought provoking. Highly recommend to anyone entering those hard teen years.

[Shiloah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Got a few chapters in and I realized I could have written this. I teach/mentor about boundaries in the emotional healing work I do. I also have 6 successful adult children and 5 more amazing kids. We often chat about boundaries. I probably would have rated this higher had I read it 15 years ago.

[Rosemarie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I got about 15 chapters in and decided to call it quits. Overall the message is fine - giving grace to your teens, understanding them, understanding yourself as a parent - all very helpful. But overall it felt very dated … and preachy. It was recommended to me as a lot of parenting books from our hospital.

I wish I had known he was a Christian author because the Bible references were off putting to me, I just don’t relate to religion in these cases. When he talked about the “outside world” it felt like he was warning parents of the dangers (but at the same time, they need to be part of it). I also wish he used more inclusive pronouns like they/them instead of he/she. And I couldn’t get over the part about gender differences - he goes through all these generalizations and then says not to generalize. But you just did - and sort of reinforced these stereotypes of male and female.

Overall I felt like I was not the audience he was speaking to.

[MC · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book for any parent wanting to improve their relationships with their teens, or even those who work with teens on a regular basis, like teachers or church youth leaders. I won't say it's a "one-stop shop" for teen parenting, but it's a great big-picture view of how to approach parenting in a healthier way. The author approaches things in a calm, logical way, modeling a soft yet firm approach to teenage guidance. Definitely more guidelines than "this will 100% work if you do exactly what I say!" (which I actually think is a good sign when it comes to self-help books). Even if you aren't Christian, these principles can help anyone trying to be a better parent, as they are also based on sound psychology.


SUMMARY

The book is broken up into four sections: Be a Parent with Boundaries; Understand the Teenage World; Set Boundaries with Your teen; and Address Common Problems.

For the first section, the author emphasizes the importance of being the healthiest example of an adult as you can; get support from friends, parenting support groups, even therapy/counseling if you need it. Model self-control. Lecture less, listen more. Know who you are, what you value & what you want (be well-defined); learn how to be separate from your teen's moods so you can guide them; be honest, but in a loving way; be persistent when your teen pushes up against your boundaries. You might have to deal with some guilt (which tends to focus you on your own mistakes, and not the teen's difficulty & pain) & fear (which can allow your teen to manipulate them, if they catch on to your reluctance to set boundaries because you fear their withdrawal) - but to be a good parent with healthy boundaries, it's worth every effort. Parents need to be UNITED or they won't be able to help their teens become integrated; if one parent is too permissive, don't be extra strict to make up for it "your teen doesn't need two crazy parents" (LOL). You can only parent to your own level of maturity, so get HELP to GROW UP yourself; be loving AND responsible.

The next section is about understanding the teen years. Adolescence is a necessary time of transition between childhood & adulthood. Teens need their parents to establish good boundaries, give consequences, and provide structure (like routine). Healthy adolescents: make emotional connections with friends & parents; they're responsible; they accept reality (like nobody's perfect); they're oriented to the outside world more than their family; they make friends with other good kids; they develop good values; and they challenge their parents (as long as it's not ripping apart the family). Teens need a family context of love, understanding, and structure. Teens feel very intense emotions, and they live mostly in the present (not much thought about the future) - this is just part of brain development at this stage, so in a way it's not their fault they're so impulsive, self-centered, and irrational. Teens need to be able to separate from their parents - but in a healthy way: because they're excited about being out in the world, not because they want to escape from you. Boys and girls are different - but character matters most; culture will also have an influence on them, so help them make good choices based on values & not peer pressure or media.

Part 3 is about the "how" of setting boundaries. The first step is digging under the surface and finding the reason behind the teen's behavior, because all teen problems have context. Sometimes a teen is detached from you, discouraged about life, or hurting about something. These teens would need a more loving approach, with grace, drawing them out in conversation, listening to & accepting them. If it's self-centeredness and impatience, the teen would do better with structure and consequences for angry behavior, for example. There are 4 anchors to boundary-setting: Love (the teen knows you're on their side), Truth (rules, requirements, and expectations), Freedom (teen gets to choose to respect or reject boundaries), and Reality (consequences when they reject boundaries). Resistance is normal, but do make sure your consequences aren't too harsh or too lax - give the most lenient consequence that works. Help "digest" your teen's intense emotions, as this models how they will need to do so for themselves eventually. Listen with empathy; don't give in to charm.

The last section is a whole list of common problems with teens - everything from academics to chores to sexual involvement. The pattern is typically to define the problem, find out the underlying cause of the behavior, then set out consequences to address the issue.

[Cami · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good reading for parents of teens who maybe have not set up the best boundaries throughout their lives. (me.) It gives hope that it is not too late, and that you can still make a significant impact on your teens life in the few remaining years you have them before they go out into the world as adults. This book combines Christian values with practical advice. Great for the Christian parent!

[Stephanie Engelbrecht · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a parent to teens, this book has such great tips, provided some comfort that we are doing some things right, and helped me to see that it’s okay if we aren’t perfect parents. We just have to lead with love and boundaries!

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5/4 ⭐️s
This book doesn’t use a ton of scripture but all/most
Of the concepts are Biblical. Good helps and practical advice for parents of teens.

[Gregory · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good tips and insights, but annoingly inclusive pronouns (so many "she"s, etc.). Also tended to throw in random Bible verses, with some out of context.

[Jecelyn Santana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me understand the psychology behind my teen's actions and my actions as a parent. Also, it provided guidance on what to do in every scenario. Will keep it close and reread it!

[Karolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are raising a preteen/teenager, this is for you!!

[Rachel 1983 Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good! Highly recommend.