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Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and Support Your Daughter When She's Growing Up So Fast
Every father can make a huge difference in his daughter’s life.
As the primary male role model in a girl’s life, fathers influence their daughters in profound ways, from how they see themselves to what they come to expect from men and the world at large. But men often don’t realize the importance of their interactions or may shy away from too close involvement because of their inexperience, or conditioning. Especially as girls move into adolescence, fathers may find themselves feeling distant from their daughters or awkward with the changing dynamic. Communication becomes difficult and parenting issues more complicated. But this is also the time when daughters most need their fathers to be an even greater presence in their lives. Dads and Daughters is a tool to bridge that gap and build a rewarding and joyful father-daughter relationship.
From father to father and with insights from many other dads, Joe Kelly shows men how they can strengthen their relationships with their daughters and explores the tremendous rewards this relationship can bring. Starting with a self-assessment quiz titled “How Am I Doing as My Daughter’s Father?” dads can immediately see what kind of role they play in their daughter’s life. To educate fathers and offer solutions when problems arise, Dads and Daughters then offers thoughtful coverage of the most pivotal issues today’s girls face, such as sex and dating, body image, alcohol and drugs, media culture and violence, money and responsibility, and the future. In doing so he both illuminates the culture our daughters live in and shows fathers how to guide their daughters toward rewarding, healthy lives.
As the primary male role model in a girl’s life, fathers influence their daughters in profound ways, from how they see themselves to what they come to expect from men and the world at large. But men often don’t realize the importance of their interactions or may shy away from too close involvement because of their inexperience, or conditioning. Especially as girls move into adolescence, fathers may find themselves feeling distant from their daughters or awkward with the changing dynamic. Communication becomes difficult and parenting issues more complicated. But this is also the time when daughters most need their fathers to be an even greater presence in their lives. Dads and Daughters is a tool to bridge that gap and build a rewarding and joyful father-daughter relationship.
From father to father and with insights from many other dads, Joe Kelly shows men how they can strengthen their relationships with their daughters and explores the tremendous rewards this relationship can bring. Starting with a self-assessment quiz titled “How Am I Doing as My Daughter’s Father?” dads can immediately see what kind of role they play in their daughter’s life. To educate fathers and offer solutions when problems arise, Dads and Daughters then offers thoughtful coverage of the most pivotal issues today’s girls face, such as sex and dating, body image, alcohol and drugs, media culture and violence, money and responsibility, and the future. In doing so he both illuminates the culture our daughters live in and shows fathers how to guide their daughters toward rewarding, healthy lives.
272 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2002
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88 people want to read
About the author
Joe Kelly
10 booksLibrarian note:
There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name
There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
November 7, 2023
Joe Kelly is a former journalist, and who was running (at the time when this book was published -I don't know if it's still the case...?) the American organisation Dads and Daughters, besides having helped his wife launching 'New Moon', an award winning magazine edited by girls. He is also, and above all, a father of daughters. So there goes: from his well-rounded perspective, what can fathers bring to their girls?
First of all: I don't agree with some of his premises regarding our overall culture. For instance, I don't believe that our society actively encourages violence against women and girls. On the contrary, I believe that, if anything, ours has been peddling an unwarranted fear moral panic of the boys next door, while having completely infantilised our daughters to a crippling point (and, at times, downright ridiculous too...). Having said that...
Having said that, I would strongly recommend this book to anyone fathering a girl, because, when it comes to everything else -and, especially, the core of his message- the author is absolutely right on spot: fathers are more than a role model when it comes to masculinity, and, as such, a model when it comes to what our daughters must expect from future boyfriends and/ or husbands. The way we, men, treat both our daughters and our wives sets indeed expectations; and these are expectations that needs to be strongly re-affirmed, especially in a shallow culture where body image and sex seems to have completely hijacked any aspiring for substance. But not only.
Traditional masculinity has been increasingly undermined and under attack recently, receiving all sorts of bad rap for supposedly being mostly 'toxic'. Now, I certainly don't deny that certain traits were destructive and self-destructive (neither does the author, even if his was published more than two decades ago now...). The point, though, is that traditional masculinity is also about fostering a resilient mindset, an assertiveness, a self-reliance, and a willingness to take risk that our growing girls fully deserve to benefit from too. And this, this, is exactly the point made through and through by Joe Kelly: a good dad is not only a positive male role model when it comes to dating and intimate relationship; a good dad is also a positive role model -full stop. What was especially refreshing with this book, then, is how it clearly demonstrates over and over the powerful impact that fathers have upon their daughters, especially when it comes to issues otherwise crippling (mostly) our girls these days -from body image to self-confidence, and from risk taking to assertiveness.
'Dads and Daughters' celebrates us, dads. It doesn't mean that it shies away from criticising us either. For instance, a great deal is dedicated to question (and, ultimately, reject) the over-protective attitude of far too many fathers, bordering on the controlling, when it comes to the dating lives of their daughters. Again: it's about role model; and, as he rightly stresses, if you, as a man, have been a positive role model for your child, then you ought not to worry, for example, about how she dresses when going out -she'll know how to handle herself, and, most importantly, she'll know what sort of guys to date and attract, besides knowing her boundaries. The same, of course, cannot be said about most girls growing fatherless; so, if you've been there for her, well: trust her.
At the core, of course, here's a parenting book. As such, then, it also tackles difficult issues parents will encounter while seeing their children growing up: the poisonous and limiting gendered expectations fed to them by self-interested mass medias; drugs and alcohol; sex and dating; school; money etc. By its main topics, it's therefore especially targeted at dads of teenage girls, since here's the age when such topics are becoming particularly relevant (and uncomfortable to deal with, let's be honest!). Regardless, because of his ethos in valuing masculinity as being a set of positive, beneficial traits, I strongly recommend it to anyone -fathers of younger girls; mothers; and, even, people who are not parents, at least so they can steer away from the growing anti-father nonsense which has gripped the narrative recently, piggybacking as it has on a no less non-sensical fear moral panic of men. Our daughters deserve better!
First of all: I don't agree with some of his premises regarding our overall culture. For instance, I don't believe that our society actively encourages violence against women and girls. On the contrary, I believe that, if anything, ours has been peddling an unwarranted fear moral panic of the boys next door, while having completely infantilised our daughters to a crippling point (and, at times, downright ridiculous too...). Having said that...
Having said that, I would strongly recommend this book to anyone fathering a girl, because, when it comes to everything else -and, especially, the core of his message- the author is absolutely right on spot: fathers are more than a role model when it comes to masculinity, and, as such, a model when it comes to what our daughters must expect from future boyfriends and/ or husbands. The way we, men, treat both our daughters and our wives sets indeed expectations; and these are expectations that needs to be strongly re-affirmed, especially in a shallow culture where body image and sex seems to have completely hijacked any aspiring for substance. But not only.
Traditional masculinity has been increasingly undermined and under attack recently, receiving all sorts of bad rap for supposedly being mostly 'toxic'. Now, I certainly don't deny that certain traits were destructive and self-destructive (neither does the author, even if his was published more than two decades ago now...). The point, though, is that traditional masculinity is also about fostering a resilient mindset, an assertiveness, a self-reliance, and a willingness to take risk that our growing girls fully deserve to benefit from too. And this, this, is exactly the point made through and through by Joe Kelly: a good dad is not only a positive male role model when it comes to dating and intimate relationship; a good dad is also a positive role model -full stop. What was especially refreshing with this book, then, is how it clearly demonstrates over and over the powerful impact that fathers have upon their daughters, especially when it comes to issues otherwise crippling (mostly) our girls these days -from body image to self-confidence, and from risk taking to assertiveness.
'Dads and Daughters' celebrates us, dads. It doesn't mean that it shies away from criticising us either. For instance, a great deal is dedicated to question (and, ultimately, reject) the over-protective attitude of far too many fathers, bordering on the controlling, when it comes to the dating lives of their daughters. Again: it's about role model; and, as he rightly stresses, if you, as a man, have been a positive role model for your child, then you ought not to worry, for example, about how she dresses when going out -she'll know how to handle herself, and, most importantly, she'll know what sort of guys to date and attract, besides knowing her boundaries. The same, of course, cannot be said about most girls growing fatherless; so, if you've been there for her, well: trust her.
At the core, of course, here's a parenting book. As such, then, it also tackles difficult issues parents will encounter while seeing their children growing up: the poisonous and limiting gendered expectations fed to them by self-interested mass medias; drugs and alcohol; sex and dating; school; money etc. By its main topics, it's therefore especially targeted at dads of teenage girls, since here's the age when such topics are becoming particularly relevant (and uncomfortable to deal with, let's be honest!). Regardless, because of his ethos in valuing masculinity as being a set of positive, beneficial traits, I strongly recommend it to anyone -fathers of younger girls; mothers; and, even, people who are not parents, at least so they can steer away from the growing anti-father nonsense which has gripped the narrative recently, piggybacking as it has on a no less non-sensical fear moral panic of men. Our daughters deserve better!
Read
August 28, 2019I was surprised to see that the copyright for this book is 2002 because outside of just a few books published in the early 2000's most of the resources listed are from the 90s and even earlier. In fact, the only negative thing I have to say about this book is that it does seem a bit dated in certain of the discussions Joe Kelly dives into. That said, it is still a valuable resource and guidebook for dads who want to really take fathering seriously in a culture that downplays and even denigrates fathers.
Much psychological and sociological study has shown that fathers have an enormous influence on daughters for both good and bad. We dads are the first men in our daughter's lives and that sets a template that will affect their relationships with men (both at work as well as in romance) for the rest of their life.
One of the more profound topics Kelly rises is how women are portrayed in media and how that affects how men relate to women: "The predominance of those messages limits our ability to naturally see women (including our daughters) as full people with whom we can connect and have rich relationships. It distorts how other males look at our daughters. Seeing women as things, as opposed to people, opens the way for many men to be violent and abusive to women. We can't have rich relationships with objects, and it's hard to use violence on someone we respect."
He adds this insight as to how men are negatively impacted by this objectification of women:
"Simply put, we men pay too high a price for the objectification of women. The way our culture views women warps what we expect from men. And it distorts the way we see ourselves as men."
Another important topic revolves around touch, both so necessary and healing and so fraught with anxiety in our culture, not unrelated to the above passage! The chapter related to this, "We're All Suspects: The Touch Taboo Between Dads and Daughters" is painful to read but offers respectful advice and things to keep in the forefront of our minds.
So, I found this book really thought-provoking, leading to some real introspection and insight, so I recommend this to any dad who really want to be the best dad they can be for their daughters.
Much psychological and sociological study has shown that fathers have an enormous influence on daughters for both good and bad. We dads are the first men in our daughter's lives and that sets a template that will affect their relationships with men (both at work as well as in romance) for the rest of their life.
One of the more profound topics Kelly rises is how women are portrayed in media and how that affects how men relate to women: "The predominance of those messages limits our ability to naturally see women (including our daughters) as full people with whom we can connect and have rich relationships. It distorts how other males look at our daughters. Seeing women as things, as opposed to people, opens the way for many men to be violent and abusive to women. We can't have rich relationships with objects, and it's hard to use violence on someone we respect."
He adds this insight as to how men are negatively impacted by this objectification of women:
"Simply put, we men pay too high a price for the objectification of women. The way our culture views women warps what we expect from men. And it distorts the way we see ourselves as men."
Another important topic revolves around touch, both so necessary and healing and so fraught with anxiety in our culture, not unrelated to the above passage! The chapter related to this, "We're All Suspects: The Touch Taboo Between Dads and Daughters" is painful to read but offers respectful advice and things to keep in the forefront of our minds.
So, I found this book really thought-provoking, leading to some real introspection and insight, so I recommend this to any dad who really want to be the best dad they can be for their daughters.
December 8, 2015
This book was OK. There was no guidance from God, our perfect Father, so the material was a little off base. It was good for intentionally thinking about my relationship with my daughters, and I could bridge the gaps myself from biblical teachings to the principals explained in the book.
Fathering with grace and love instead of fear and force.
Educating our daughters about the harmful views of women that are so popular in our culture and media.
Even working through reconciling straying children involved in addictions.
Encouraging pursuit of their talents, and
learning to talk with other dads about our girls.
One of the main reasons we're so confused is that we don't talk to each other about our challenges and experiences. Men have a real hard time setting aside their pride, admitting we don't know or we screwed up. But it's not until we stop pretending we have it all together that we can really start to solve the problem at hand.
Unfortunately, the author seemed to totally miss the point that if we treated our wives as special as we should treat our daughters, there would be a lot less divorce, and even reconciled marriages. He never made the connection
Fathering with grace and love instead of fear and force.
Educating our daughters about the harmful views of women that are so popular in our culture and media.
Even working through reconciling straying children involved in addictions.
Encouraging pursuit of their talents, and
learning to talk with other dads about our girls.
One of the main reasons we're so confused is that we don't talk to each other about our challenges and experiences. Men have a real hard time setting aside their pride, admitting we don't know or we screwed up. But it's not until we stop pretending we have it all together that we can really start to solve the problem at hand.
Unfortunately, the author seemed to totally miss the point that if we treated our wives as special as we should treat our daughters, there would be a lot less divorce, and even reconciled marriages. He never made the connection
June 25, 2012
One of the better parenting books I've read over the past few years, this one specifically focusing on the importance of the Dad/Daughter relationship. I really enjoyed the overall tone of the book, the writing style, and Kelly's ability to discuss a topic from multiple angles. The writing isn't a dry distribution of facts, nor is it too conversational. It strikes a nice balance of opinion, study, and general discussion to look and explore a particular issue. Rightly so, Kelly puts a lot of emphasis on how critical it is for a father to remain and active and positive part of a daughter's life. Leading by example, showing support and interest in her life, and allowing a daughter to grow and become independent remain the common themes throughout the book. None of this is groundbreaking or unknown to most parents, but the discussion and information provided by Kelly is helpful in how to best achieve these goals.
April 11, 2021
This book was terrific. Made me want to work harder at being a tolerant, grace filled parent.
Not a Christian book. Great common sense, heart sense advice as to how to raise a daughter in a society that tells her what she looks like is the most important thing in the world.
Great practical info on HOW to do that. Dads need to read it! Could make or break how your daughter relates to men in her adult life!
Not a Christian book. Great common sense, heart sense advice as to how to raise a daughter in a society that tells her what she looks like is the most important thing in the world.
Great practical info on HOW to do that. Dads need to read it! Could make or break how your daughter relates to men in her adult life!
February 17, 2011
I would say this is a solid book. I've never been fond of books that I feel like try to tell you that if you just do X then Y will happen. Life has never felt so black and white to me - it all seems so situational. That said, this book definitely gave me some things to think about, which I appreciate.
August 12, 2013
This is an excellent book that gives some pretty straight-forward ideas and thoughts for dads parenting a daughter. The book covers the whole age range, but I found the information on parenting a teenager to be worthwhile even as it relates to my own daughter who is much younger. Recommended.
Read
May 25, 2010A practical guide filled with insight and "tools" to add to your fathering toolbox as you raise your daughter. Strengthen your relationship, strengthen her self-image and self-esteem.
July 30, 2014
Even though it's a bit dated (references to MTV and VH1), this book is full of great information about daughters for and about fathers. Great information for mothers, too.
October 25, 2016
A bit long for what it was, but I'm glad I read it.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews