Parents Who Think Too Much: Why We Do It, How to Stop It

by Ann Cassidy

With the baby boom generation came the genre of parenting books that told parents how to teach their kids everything from toilet training to developing self-esteem. Generally the message has go easy on your child, but hard on yourself. It is starting to become apparent, especially in the best of families, that giving your kids lots of choices, validating their feelings at great peril to your own and providing "enough" individual attention for each child is creating a generation of kids over whom we have no control.

Cassidy argues that this comes from over-thinking our role as parents. We've pondered every step so much that the juice, the joy, and worst of all, our confidence is gone. The reasons are We have fewer children later in life so we've had more time to ponder. We've grown up just as research on infant and child development has come of age, so there's no shortage of material to think about. As a generation we've prided ourselves on self-improvement and we bring the same zeal to child improvement. We're less likely to live close to our families, and so are more likely to seek out expert solutions.

To counter this thinking, Cassidy will suggest keeping the big picture in mind--what kind of people do you really want your kids to be? Honest, kind, cooperative, empathetic? It may mean losing sight of whether enough play dates are scheduled for the week and if you've positively reinforced the latest creative endeavor, but it will bring back your instincts about what is important to your family as a whole, and to your kids to become decent people.

Genres: Parenting

368 pages, Paperback

First published June 8, 1998

Reviews

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Throw away all of your other parenting books - this one is the one that comes the closest to telling us what we really need to hear: We are the best parent for our child and we don't have to follow experts to know what's good for our kids. Just follow our heads, hearts, and instincts.

[Libby · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not abandoning this book because it's bad. I just think it's not going to tell me anything I don't already really know. I can sense where it's going and I'd rather spend my time reading something else.

[Kara · Rating 2 out of 5]

I agree with the reviewer Libby on this one....but I also didn't enjoy the writing style and dismissive attitude. Eh.

[Erin · Rating 1 out of 5]

While reading this book I felt increasingly irritated. The author spends the majority of the book criticizing and judging modern parenting methods. She mostly points out cases where modern parenting methods have failed, only highlighting the cons, while leaving out the pros. Many of my parenting experiences directly contradict her perspective, and its extremely biased that she mentions no cases where modern parenting methods have been a success. Essentially, this book is mostly about WHY WE DO IT. The HOW TO STOP IT portion is a tiny fraction of the book and its essentially only a debate on what instinct may or may not be, not concrete steps on how to actually STOP OVERTHINKING.

This book does the exact opposite of what it claims. By criticizing and judging, it feeds self-doubt, which increases overthinking. I picked this book up for free from a library discard pile. To be honest - I burned this book as soon as I finished it. I have never burned a book before! I did not want anyone else to waste their time, energy and emotions on this book. I didn't even want to risk putting it in the recycling. It was incredibly cathartic. I used to think too much as a parent. I have learned how not to via the very "experts" she bashes in the book. I did not overthink destroying this book, even though for me burning a book would normally be a very conflicting idea. I understand why the library discarded this book.

[Ryan]

I didn't read every chapter in this book, but I read the bulk of it. It is a bit dated from the 90s, but it is still good for keeping people like me in check. It argues that much of the expert opinion from parenting books in bunk and that parents need to worry less and trust their instincts more. I will still read parenting books and results from the latest research, but it is a helpful reminder to read them with a critical eye.

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stop pouring over the age/development charts and the articles in "Parents" magazine and start enjoying your children!

[Bonnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is great--especially for people like me who do think too much. Hooray for a return to instinct and common sense.

[Andrea Mason · Rating 5 out of 5]

My favorite "parenting" book, ever. Should be a pre-requisite to procreating!