Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity

by Emily M. Brown

A Wonderfully Supportive Guide from an Internationally Recognized Authority on Affairs "Emily Brown has written a must-read book for anyone going through the searing pain of infidelity. First she deciphers the five types of affairs, then she gives clear step-by-step procedures to help both partners deal with it and even grow from it. It's a real achievement."
— Marguerite Kelly , syndicated columnist, The Family Almanac and author, Marguerite Kelly's Family Almanac "Finally, a book on affairs that pulls no punches!. . . . It's the book I'll put at the top of my list to recommend to both professionals and to husbands, wives, and lovers. Highly recommended."
— Isolina Ricci , author, Mom's House, Dad's House: The Complete Guide for Parents Who Are Separated, Divorced, or Remarried

Genres: Relationships

250 pages, Paperback

First published August 27, 1999

Reviews

[Jason Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it very useful. There's some good advice like "make no big decisions within the first three months of discovery." And even that divorcing after the fact does not usually bring happiness... you still have to do the work of processing everything that happened and understanding it. After you understand it and have accepted it is when you can decide if the marriage is worth continuing.

"Telling is hard, hard hard. You'll consider putting it off, yet getting it over with has a certain appeal. You will be tempted to minimize or misrepresent the situation in hopes of making it easier on everyone. It won't work. If you distort, as in saying it was a short affair when it was really eight months, the burden of your secrets will still be with you. When your attempts to minimize are unsuccessful, your spouse will be even angrier at your continuing deception."

"It's so tempting to reveal only part of the picture. You hope that by minimizing or leaving out certain information the negative consequences will be reduced. Usually, it's the opposite. Eventually, the truth comes to light. The continuing dishonesty results in making the consequences worse than they otherwise would have been."

"Partial honesty won't get your any credit. The full picture must be disclosed or subsequent efforts to work on the relationship will be undermined by the remaining secrets."

"If you are a Conflict Avoider, you are likely to let troubling things go, put off talking about yourself, and coast along. You reationalize any sense of discomfort, telling yourself, "This isn't a good time, it isn't that important, I don't want to stir things up right now."

"At the beginning of an affair you assume that no one other than you and your affair partner will ever know about the affair. This is highly unlikely. An affair is much easier to spot than those involved believe. In addition to your spouse, everyone else who is close to you is likely to experience the fallout from your affair: your children, your friends and relatives, and your work colleagues. Even those who don't know about the affair are affected by the tension, the time constraints, and the lies. Those that know the true story may feel sad, torn, anxious, or angry, even when they love you. If you've lied to them as well, coming clean with them will be part of the work ahead of you."

"Obessing occurs when you use your rational mind to tackle and emotional problem. Obsessing is a way of trying to distance your pain and stay in control; it keeps you from having to stay with your own feelings."

"Are you willing to give up painting the Scarlet A across your spouse's chest? If not, this marriage won't work. By obsessing, you override all else."

"The lying is more deadly than the affair."

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book seemed kind of outdated. It did a good job of showing me that (unfortunately) many couples go through this experience and that it does not always have to lead to divorce. Some of the dialogue featured in the book was nearly exactly verbatim what I had said to my husband and what he had said to me. Clearly this is common. On the other hand, I don't think the book gave me any insight into how to move forward from here.