How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free

by Riley K. Smith, Tina B. Tessina

Studies have shown that couples who have the tools to negotiate and cooperate are more able to create lasting, loving partnerships allowing each member of the partnership to be free. This thoroughly revised and expanded edition is written as a manual and shows couples how to replace cooperation with compromise or competition. It includes many step-by-step instructions and guidelines, and introduces the "negotiation tree", a tool that can help any couple turn a struggle or fight into a cooperative problem-solving session. The book is designed especially for people who seek a model for equal partnership, and couples who want to transform struggle into teamwork. It works for couples who are married, cohabiting, or dating-in a traditional or alternative relationship. This is a tool for designing and creating a relationship unique to your individual personalities and situation to create a loving, sustainable, healthy, and equal partnership

Genres: Relationships

256 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 1983

Reviews

[Andrius · Rating 5 out of 5]

Įdomi, praktiška, naudinga. Reikia laiko įvaldymui metodo, bet net atskiri pratimai labai naudingi. Net suvokimas, kad tai įmanoma padeda sustabdyti beprasmę tarpusavio kovą ir pradėti ieškoti tikrų bendrų sprendimų.

[Phil Mayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was delighted to come across this book in our local library and find it has a similar view to ours, that relationships without conflict are possible. Chapter 1 starts out: “In 15 years of working with couples in private therapy and workshops, we have found that no matter how unsolvable a problem seems to the couple presenting it, when we help them apply Cooperative Problem Solving, a solution can always be found.”

How could I not be entranced?

They decry competition: “The belief that some has to ‘win’ in a relationship encourages us to compete rather than to cooperate,” and offer a detailed procedure: “The unique aspect of Cooperative Problem Solving is that both parties attempting to resolve a conflict or make a decision can negotiate so that both get what they want.” They have, like many therapy books, formalized their approach and include many charts, guidelines and exercises. The Negotiation Tree is a multi-page flowchart guiding you through the steps. You might feel this structured approach to be a useful map or a limiting straitjacket. The Negotiation Tree has five steps:

* Define and Communicate the Problem
* Agree to Negotiate
* Set the Stage
* State Your Wants
* Explore Your Options and Decide

I liked this book so much, I ordered a second-hand copy from Amazon, and what arrived was the 1987 2nd edition, with the authors’ names reversed. This is a very different book, and although the five steps are identical to the 3rd edition, the guidelines and exercises are not included. It still uses examples of couples working through problems to illustrate its points, and goes into less detail, which in a way makes it clearer.

Either of these editions will be a rewarding read, and they differ so much that you could start with the 2nd edition and then enjoy the more detailed breakdown in the 3rd edition. They are both out of print, but I understand that a new edition is planned for Valentine’s day.

[Semi-Academic Eric · Rating 1 out of 5]

So, her relationship didn't last... and the relationship I had while reading her books didn't last... Does that mean that her material just didn't work for us, any of us... or...?

[Semi-Academic Eric · Rating 1 out of 5]

So, her relationship didn't last... and the relationship I had while reading her books didn't last... Does that mean that her material just didn't work for us, any of us... or... what?