What do you think?
Rate this book
Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child's Emotions and Solving Family Problems
Pride and Joy is a different kind of parenting book.
In Pride and Joy , child psychologist Kenneth Barish brings together the best of recent advances in clinical and neuroscience research with the author's three decades of experience working with children and families. He shows how a deeper appreciation of our children's emotions offers parents a new understanding of their children's development and better solutions to the problems in their lives.
Barish offers advice to parents on how we can restore more joyfulness and pride in our relationships with our children and how we can help children bounce back from disappointment and defeat. He shows how we can repair family relationships that have been damaged by frequent anger and resentment and how we can preserve our children's idealism and their concern for others--how we can raise children who feel good about themselves and also care about the needs and feelings of others.
Barish also offers advice on how to solve problems of daily family life--establishing rules and limits, doing homework and going to sleep, winning and losing at games, our children's reluctance to talk to us, their tantrums and lack of motivation, and their addiction to television and video games. He presents down-to-earth recommendations for solving these common family problems--problems that too often erode the joyfulness of our children and our pleasure in being parents.
Pride and Joy is both informative and highly practical, and a balanced answer to the extreme methods that too often dominate parenting debates. Few parenting books address the central issues of concern to today's parents while also offering parents as much day-to-day advice.
In Pride and Joy , child psychologist Kenneth Barish brings together the best of recent advances in clinical and neuroscience research with the author's three decades of experience working with children and families. He shows how a deeper appreciation of our children's emotions offers parents a new understanding of their children's development and better solutions to the problems in their lives.
Barish offers advice to parents on how we can restore more joyfulness and pride in our relationships with our children and how we can help children bounce back from disappointment and defeat. He shows how we can repair family relationships that have been damaged by frequent anger and resentment and how we can preserve our children's idealism and their concern for others--how we can raise children who feel good about themselves and also care about the needs and feelings of others.
Barish also offers advice on how to solve problems of daily family life--establishing rules and limits, doing homework and going to sleep, winning and losing at games, our children's reluctance to talk to us, their tantrums and lack of motivation, and their addiction to television and video games. He presents down-to-earth recommendations for solving these common family problems--problems that too often erode the joyfulness of our children and our pleasure in being parents.
Pride and Joy is both informative and highly practical, and a balanced answer to the extreme methods that too often dominate parenting debates. Few parenting books address the central issues of concern to today's parents while also offering parents as much day-to-day advice.
- GenresParenting
280 pages, Paperback
First published April 30, 2012
23 people are currently reading
96 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
May 30, 2017
I'm usually pretty critical of parenting books but this one is worth reading. It's short but I would suggest reading it slowly, and trying to implement different sections at a time. It's a lot of effective ideas and advice on interacting with children. My only complaint is that several times he mentions something to the effect of ... this will work unless your child has learning or attention problems. Well I already know they have learning and attention problems but I still need to parent and just because you get that diagnosis, there is no real help that follows, your really just get a lot of the terrible parenting advice that the author has explained (and I agree) isn't very helpful long term (more punishments, heavier on the rules and consequences etc) In fact, I would venture to say that MOST parents who are reading parenting books have particularly difficult children who have learning and attention problems or anxiety. Would love to see a second book or a revision that acknowledges this and offers ideas for them as well.
April 19, 2025
This book deserves to be much more popular... So many outstanding rules here - to me they seem to apply also to adult relationships, not just to kids.
PRAISE AND RECOGNITION. The author emphasizes that too many parenting books focus on discipline, punishment, and managing behavior, but not enough on truly listening to and understanding the child. Pride versus Shame plays a pivotal role in shaping children’s emotional health. Pride raises expectations and motivates children to seek that positive connection, whereas shame inflicts emotional harm, leading to discouragement, resentment, defiance, and a failure to develop strong long-term goals. Contrary to the belief that too much praise discourages hard work, the author argues that almost no one is ever overpraised and that children need genuine praise. Profoundly, when parents consciously look for opportunities to praise their child for specific accomplishments or qualities, they naturally begin noticing their child more closely and understanding them better. Without praise from parents, children may seek it externally, often adopting values and influences that are less beneficial.
ANGER AND EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE. When a child is defiant or rebellious, asking them “What feels unfair in your life?” often leads to meaningful insights. Children - and adults - who know how to express anger are typically better liked by others. Conversely, those who suppress their anger develop resentment and an unfair worldview. Prolonged anger is detrimental to a child’s emotional health, while being listened to is the most effective method of anger management. Today’s parents often fear tantrums and accommodate children excessively, resulting in fewer demands on the child and reduced opportunities for them to develop resilience. Emotional resilience, optimism, and psychological immunity depend heavily on how a child processes emotions and bounces back from challenges - a skill heavily influenced by a parent’s guidance and presence during difficult moments.
BONDING AND SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT. Parents can strengthen their bond and help children develop social skills by playing the games their children genuinely enjoy. This interaction teaches the child about social dynamics and helps them make friends. Positive reinforcement fosters gratitude and appreciation in children, nurturing it as a quality they’ll carry into all aspects of their lives. After explosive situations, it’s crucial to focus on the child’s success in regaining control rather than the intensity of the initial outburst. Highlighting their ability to self-regulate builds confidence and emotional resilience.
LISTENING AND CRITICISM. Excessive parental criticism is the author’s least favorite parenting mistake, as it leads to defiance, demoralization, and withdrawal in children. People who are overly critical of their children tend to be critical in all relationships and struggle with problem-solving in close connections. Listening to children is not about agreement or complying with unreasonable demands. Children don’t expect parents to agree with everything - they simply want to be heard. Actively listening without dismissing their feelings creates a supportive environment in which they feel valued and understood.
SUPPORTING DAMAGED EMOTIONAL HEALTH. For children who are emotionally struggling, the most effective way to support repair is through presence and empathy. Share in their happiness when they’re joyful. When they’re sad or angry, help them express their thoughts and feelings by listening patiently and creating space for them to open up. Being there consistently - whether to celebrate their triumphs or help process their struggles - is key to nurturing emotional resilience and repairing any emotional wounds.
PLAY AND SOCIAL LIFE. Play is essential for teaching children the social dynamics necessary for life, just as exercise strengthens the body and teaching sharpens the mind. Through play, children learn rules and boundaries - for instance, in play fighting, they understand they cannot truly hurt someone; otherwise, the game will end. Similarly, when throwing objects, they learn not to do it too hard to avoid breaking the trust of their playmate. This process helps children internalize the limits needed for healthy social interactions, but it requires playing with others - playing alone does not teach these vital lessons. Empathic parents who model helping behaviors in childhood raise children who grow up happier and more inclined to help others.
PRAISE AND CONNECTION. Being silly with your child builds connection and joy, while sarcasm creates distance and harm. Children benefit immensely from generous praise - it does not make them “praise junkies,” but rather helps them feel valued and supported. Avoid the opposite extreme where praise is absent, as it can hinder their emotional well-being. Criticism, especially when delivered in anger, is ineffective. Instead, ask permission to provide constructive feedback, whether it’s advice, teaching, or correction. Admitting your own mistakes doesn’t diminish your authority but strengthens it - authority built on respect always outweighs authority built on fear. Showing empathy, sharing meaningful interactions, and being a positive role model by helping others creates deep happiness, meaningful purpose, and teaches children that kindness brings fulfillment.
DISCIPLINE AND SELF-REGULATION. Discipline should always aim to teach self-discipline rather than enforce compliance. Focus on developing your child’s ability to prioritize long-term goals over immediate gratification. Before implementing punishment, provide a “yellow card” warning and acknowledge any effort to follow rules with recognition and praise. Even partial effort should be appreciated, as it fosters a positive mindset toward learning and self-improvement. Remember, the ultimate goal is for children to internalize discipline and self-regulation, not just obey commands temporarily.
COMMUNICATION AND LISTENING. If a child struggles to open up, two strategies often work well: ask about their interests or inquire what feels unfair in their life. Children often avoid sharing because they feel conversations will turn into lectures or monologues directed at them. Create space for empathy by listening for at least 10 minutes every day to their worries and thoughts without offering advice from your perspective. Actively listening builds trust and encourages them to express themselves freely. Approach their concerns from their level of understanding, not yours.
MOTIVATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT. If a child lacks motivation for tasks such as homework, it often stems from a lack of belief in their ability to succeed or a lack of trust that their effort will be rewarded with recognition. Motivation grows with consistent validation - acknowledge progress, no matter how small, and praise effort, even when results are incomplete. Engaging them in problem-solving, such as asking them for ideas to overcome challenges together, empowers their sense of responsibility and agency.
EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE AND INTERACTIVE PARENTING. Tantrums cannot be resolved in the heat of the moment but require daily nurturing through interactive play, genuine interest in their worries, and consistent emotional support. Children who feel heard and connected develop greater emotional resilience and psychological strength. Expert parenting involves adapting your approach for each child, as they all have unique needs and personalities. Offering rewards for participation is acceptable - even if all children want to win - because the motivation is internalized differently for each child. Tailoring your parenting style ensures each child gets the specific support they need.
PRAISE AND RECOGNITION. The author emphasizes that too many parenting books focus on discipline, punishment, and managing behavior, but not enough on truly listening to and understanding the child. Pride versus Shame plays a pivotal role in shaping children’s emotional health. Pride raises expectations and motivates children to seek that positive connection, whereas shame inflicts emotional harm, leading to discouragement, resentment, defiance, and a failure to develop strong long-term goals. Contrary to the belief that too much praise discourages hard work, the author argues that almost no one is ever overpraised and that children need genuine praise. Profoundly, when parents consciously look for opportunities to praise their child for specific accomplishments or qualities, they naturally begin noticing their child more closely and understanding them better. Without praise from parents, children may seek it externally, often adopting values and influences that are less beneficial.
ANGER AND EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE. When a child is defiant or rebellious, asking them “What feels unfair in your life?” often leads to meaningful insights. Children - and adults - who know how to express anger are typically better liked by others. Conversely, those who suppress their anger develop resentment and an unfair worldview. Prolonged anger is detrimental to a child’s emotional health, while being listened to is the most effective method of anger management. Today’s parents often fear tantrums and accommodate children excessively, resulting in fewer demands on the child and reduced opportunities for them to develop resilience. Emotional resilience, optimism, and psychological immunity depend heavily on how a child processes emotions and bounces back from challenges - a skill heavily influenced by a parent’s guidance and presence during difficult moments.
BONDING AND SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT. Parents can strengthen their bond and help children develop social skills by playing the games their children genuinely enjoy. This interaction teaches the child about social dynamics and helps them make friends. Positive reinforcement fosters gratitude and appreciation in children, nurturing it as a quality they’ll carry into all aspects of their lives. After explosive situations, it’s crucial to focus on the child’s success in regaining control rather than the intensity of the initial outburst. Highlighting their ability to self-regulate builds confidence and emotional resilience.
LISTENING AND CRITICISM. Excessive parental criticism is the author’s least favorite parenting mistake, as it leads to defiance, demoralization, and withdrawal in children. People who are overly critical of their children tend to be critical in all relationships and struggle with problem-solving in close connections. Listening to children is not about agreement or complying with unreasonable demands. Children don’t expect parents to agree with everything - they simply want to be heard. Actively listening without dismissing their feelings creates a supportive environment in which they feel valued and understood.
SUPPORTING DAMAGED EMOTIONAL HEALTH. For children who are emotionally struggling, the most effective way to support repair is through presence and empathy. Share in their happiness when they’re joyful. When they’re sad or angry, help them express their thoughts and feelings by listening patiently and creating space for them to open up. Being there consistently - whether to celebrate their triumphs or help process their struggles - is key to nurturing emotional resilience and repairing any emotional wounds.
PLAY AND SOCIAL LIFE. Play is essential for teaching children the social dynamics necessary for life, just as exercise strengthens the body and teaching sharpens the mind. Through play, children learn rules and boundaries - for instance, in play fighting, they understand they cannot truly hurt someone; otherwise, the game will end. Similarly, when throwing objects, they learn not to do it too hard to avoid breaking the trust of their playmate. This process helps children internalize the limits needed for healthy social interactions, but it requires playing with others - playing alone does not teach these vital lessons. Empathic parents who model helping behaviors in childhood raise children who grow up happier and more inclined to help others.
PRAISE AND CONNECTION. Being silly with your child builds connection and joy, while sarcasm creates distance and harm. Children benefit immensely from generous praise - it does not make them “praise junkies,” but rather helps them feel valued and supported. Avoid the opposite extreme where praise is absent, as it can hinder their emotional well-being. Criticism, especially when delivered in anger, is ineffective. Instead, ask permission to provide constructive feedback, whether it’s advice, teaching, or correction. Admitting your own mistakes doesn’t diminish your authority but strengthens it - authority built on respect always outweighs authority built on fear. Showing empathy, sharing meaningful interactions, and being a positive role model by helping others creates deep happiness, meaningful purpose, and teaches children that kindness brings fulfillment.
DISCIPLINE AND SELF-REGULATION. Discipline should always aim to teach self-discipline rather than enforce compliance. Focus on developing your child’s ability to prioritize long-term goals over immediate gratification. Before implementing punishment, provide a “yellow card” warning and acknowledge any effort to follow rules with recognition and praise. Even partial effort should be appreciated, as it fosters a positive mindset toward learning and self-improvement. Remember, the ultimate goal is for children to internalize discipline and self-regulation, not just obey commands temporarily.
COMMUNICATION AND LISTENING. If a child struggles to open up, two strategies often work well: ask about their interests or inquire what feels unfair in their life. Children often avoid sharing because they feel conversations will turn into lectures or monologues directed at them. Create space for empathy by listening for at least 10 minutes every day to their worries and thoughts without offering advice from your perspective. Actively listening builds trust and encourages them to express themselves freely. Approach their concerns from their level of understanding, not yours.
MOTIVATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT. If a child lacks motivation for tasks such as homework, it often stems from a lack of belief in their ability to succeed or a lack of trust that their effort will be rewarded with recognition. Motivation grows with consistent validation - acknowledge progress, no matter how small, and praise effort, even when results are incomplete. Engaging them in problem-solving, such as asking them for ideas to overcome challenges together, empowers their sense of responsibility and agency.
EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE AND INTERACTIVE PARENTING. Tantrums cannot be resolved in the heat of the moment but require daily nurturing through interactive play, genuine interest in their worries, and consistent emotional support. Children who feel heard and connected develop greater emotional resilience and psychological strength. Expert parenting involves adapting your approach for each child, as they all have unique needs and personalities. Offering rewards for participation is acceptable - even if all children want to win - because the motivation is internalized differently for each child. Tailoring your parenting style ensures each child gets the specific support they need.
December 11, 2020
As someone who does not have any kids, this book is a life saver. This book discusses the importance of keeping a kid's interest. The author discusses how joyfulness builds resilience and immunity. He states that praising a children's mindset fosters a fixed mindset and praising a child's effort promotes a GROWTH MINDSET. (That's what we want!) He states that parents pay more attention to the child's anger than to any other emotion. He suggests that what keeps a child angry is a feeling of grievance or unfairness. I actually used a suggestion in this book. When I was working with a six year old girl, she was withdrawn and she was mad. I had no idea why. This book suggested to ask the child, "What's not fair to you right now?" She COMPLETELY OPENED UP AND I WAS BLOWN AWAY! This book also talks about how parents need to listen and offer encouragement and support to the children. They need to recognize their child's signature strengths and this can be done via play. When a parent shows that they are interested in the same thing that their child is interested in, communication improves because the child feels like they can share that part of their life with their parent. The author suggests multiple interventions for parents to do to build a better relationship with their kid including: ten minutes at bedtime (for parents and children to have a chance to talk) and playing with their kid (because while children play, they often reveal feelings that they have held back and they are more willing to openly express their feelings via play). This book is great for parents and mental health professionals or anyone that works with children!!!
May 20, 2019
Este é um livro sobre parentalidade e família, que na minha opinião vale a pena ler. É um livro pequeno que li bem devagarinho para assimilar o máximo possível e que irei consultar sempre que for necessário.
Gostei especialmente da abordagem do autor, justificando os seus conselhos quer através de teorias científicas de outros autores, quer de resultados obtidos através de experiências com crianças reais quer através da sua experiência profissional/pessoal. Gostei que não fosse um livro que tratasse as crianças como se fossem todas iguais e portanto, que se comportem todas da mesma maneira e o que funciona para uma, funciona para todas. Gostei que, para além de ajudar a compreender melhor os comportamentos e as emoções das crianças também, ajude a entender melhor quando já somos adultos.
Um bom livro, sem dúvida, que despertou em mim querer ser uma melhor mãe!
Gostei especialmente da abordagem do autor, justificando os seus conselhos quer através de teorias científicas de outros autores, quer de resultados obtidos através de experiências com crianças reais quer através da sua experiência profissional/pessoal. Gostei que não fosse um livro que tratasse as crianças como se fossem todas iguais e portanto, que se comportem todas da mesma maneira e o que funciona para uma, funciona para todas. Gostei que, para além de ajudar a compreender melhor os comportamentos e as emoções das crianças também, ajude a entender melhor quando já somos adultos.
Um bom livro, sem dúvida, que despertou em mim querer ser uma melhor mãe!
February 18, 2023
A escuta empática, a brincadeira interactiva, a partilha de experiências pessoais e o encorajamento das suas áreas de interesse (e não das que nós achamos mais adequadas) farão os nossos filhos sentirem-se emocionalmente mais estáveis.
July 6, 2020
Always good to read a parenting book to refresh some of my approaches and strategies with my kids. The second half of the book had some actionable things that don't see too daunting to implement.
August 29, 2012
A good book that may help you to understand more about your child's emotions and, trough that, your own emotions.
THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRESS FOR THE PREVIEW
THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRESS FOR THE PREVIEW
July 26, 2014
Very good, practical and compassionate blend of science and experience, always careful to distinguish between the two. Highly recommended for any parent.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews