“He clipped a photo booth self-portrait onto the upper right corner. It hid what he felt was his worst feature, shiftiness.”
—
“In theory this look should make him about as alluring as one of the mannequins in these display windows, and it’s as hard for Mark to imagine the poseur he’s become lying loose-limbed in another’s arms as it would be to stand perfectly still in a storefront. But, based on gossip and instinct, he thinks this more aloof, less shy appearance makes him a more attractive person to topple.”
—
“What feeling’s lost in expanding his vision is more than made up for, he hopes, by an ability to see his life as art.”
—
“he means the work’s mood to be too removed, as overwhelmed by his technical prowess as skiers by the presence of their surroundings. The novel’s about its embarrassment.”
—
“Jeff Hunter’s face is what Rob likes to call ‘architecturally sound,’ but that doesn’t mean he believes in God. It simply sounds better than ‘cute.’’’
—
“Mark is unnerved by how deep Rob’s respect sounds to be for that Ken doll with orifices.”
—
“He speaks in a whisper. It carries. His throat has a lump, not from cancer—‘Mark,’ the word that has been on the tip of his tongue all day. It’s eroded, enveloped in lots of saliva.”
—
“Gradually Rob lifts his eyes from his clenched, folded hands. He tries with difficulty to explain himself. He claims it’s research for his novel. He says his sentences are like bars on a cage that holds dangerous animals.”
—
“This is a shit-load of pain, but he’d like to embrace it like a dummy does its ventriloquist, as he senses the hand pushes farther than guts would allow, into his headache, working his mouthful of breathlessness, one finger up the ghost limb of his hard-on, molding that purple embarrassment onto his moderate figure. He wonders what Shane could pick from the inside of his body. He things of migrant farm workers, their arms submerged in orange trees across this whole country. He remembers his childhood—one longe-gone magician’s paw plucking a scarf from thin, colorful air when his fingernails twiddled over a bottomless top hat.”
—
“He sobs until the snoring, blanketed form passes into the back of his mind, like the storm cloud it resembles. He slams his fists on the table. He has to get this shit out of his system. The only way he knows how is to bury under the surface of language. He lifts his pen, taps the paper. Ink is beginning to leak out again. Shortly, with the first signs of natural light around him, come the first words of a novel so deftly written it escorts Mark, like the lush at an otherwise orderly party, out of Rob’s mind.”
—
“He’s back to square one: his naked body. He turns, bends over, and peers through his knees at the butt upside down in his mirror. It’s his chief asset. If he can only find clothes that direct all attention to it, even slacks with giant arrows all over them. […] One of humanity’s great mysteries is how much of an icon the rear end has been, for gays in particular. Spreading its cheeks very wide with his forefingers, Mark thinks his own even slightly resembles the Shroud of Turin.”
—
“These days Doug can’t voice his own feelings, though he’s sure they would sound wild as an ocean if he could put his ear up to the boy’s skull where he whispered them.”
—
“Sometimes Doug wishes that whole period of his life could fit into an old-fashioned shadow box like those he’d turned to the light at his grandparents’. […] It was a simple illusion accomplished with levels of painted paper. […] If Doug were good with his hands he would build a box with those ingredients and a red X to mark Mark’s tiny grave. He’d press his toy to the windowpane, sob a few times, slip it back in the dresser drawer, and meet his friends’ eyes again.”
—
“It’s been five months since Doug thought about Mark every day. He’s fading, gradually, like a song Doug used to love on the radio, once kids stopped calling up to request it.”
—
“When Doug was Todd’s age, ten years ago, some friends and he used to drug themselves out in his parents’ house, feeling one another up under the sprinkling of fluorescent stars Doug had painted on one ceiling. They thought they understood love because he’d been able to re-create one tiny fraction of its atmosphere in his bedroom, but their menage had as much to do with real love as poster paint with heaven. Doug put on spacy music. They drew straws. The loser let everyone else shove a finger up his ass. Doug rigged it. When his turn came he studied Larry’s asscrack as if it were an open atlas.”
—
“He knows he’s being obsessive, but that’s his pattern, one thread connecting the dots in his scattered life, a solar system of smirks and tight assholes he glued to his lips to with no idea who he was looking up.”
—
“Doug has a passion for pornography. It’s both a world he can think very clearly about and the purely aesthetic experience he feels most comfortable with. […] Gay tastes were less refined then, but Doug maintains the affection for those prototypes one does for one’s first lovers.”
—
“The life pornography pictures is ordered: inhabitants may treat each other like pieces of furniture, but when the last page turns over they’re usually back in their jeans again, none worse for the wear. Doug wants to live in this one-dimensional world, have hot sex twenty-four hours a day, leave one bed, fall immediately into another. If someone he fucked died he’d never hear about it, and if he did the world wouldn’t compute or feel real to him. He’d be involved in his latest orgasm, face drawn so tight nothing else could get under. But dreams won’t buy him a hustler, much less his ideal lover, so he gets up and takes a long shower.”
—
“Doug used to picture them a half-inch deep in some shag rug gone quicksand while rock n’ roll records blasted above them, saluting what they were doing”
—
“Semesters later, when Lon had gone off to college, never to promise to call again, Doug read an article in a now long-defunct underground newspaper about a Hollywood stripper club where women danced on a long, pier-like runway. The girls would squat and spread their vaginas inches from customers' eyes. Each man would scan his assigned one, handing its towering owner a ten-dollar bill. The article centered on a man who, when a stripper knelt over him, pulled a small flashlight out of his pocket to gaze up inside her wild organ. The woman spread it especially wide and was paid particularly well. ‘This guy just had to have pussy,’ the journalist wrote, putting the word in italics to mean he'd wanted the Truth. That need makes sense to Doug. He's imagining the punk onstage right now, nestled back on his haunches directly overhead. Doug would train his pen light on that enlargement and learn its deep secret.”
—
“Skip complies, peeking over his shoulder at his own ass with renewed confi-dence. It has a permanent flex like a marble statue's. His Tenaxed haircut makes audible cracking sounds as his head hits the pillow. ‘Shit.’ ‘You okay?’ Doug whis-pers. 'Yeah,’ Skip says. Doug pulls the cool buns apart, looking down at a fresh, unmarked asshole ‘God’ probably thought would be safe in such a remote place. It suggests good genes and years of light usage. Its taste reflects what Doug can't put his finger on because Skip thinks that might ‘stretch me out,’ as he whined earlier.”
—
“The pinkish skin of Skip's buttocks erases everything but its essence for more than an hour, each metaphor, image, and symbol of death haunting Doug's head.
What's left is a few pointed thoughts. ‘I can't lick deeply enough’ is the main one. Doug pulls Skip's buns even farther apart, sprucing the crease up. The anus mouths the words ‘Thank you,’ with help from Doug's probing thumbs. Its pucker raises the hackles on his neck and grows so loose he could slide in his cock without raising Skip's eyebrow. He prefers a simple tête-à-tush. He sees the art in it. He sculpts until his eyes glaze over.”
—
“He milks kissing for what it's worth, laps the neck, cleans an armpit, and slurps his way down to what he remembers of Skip's feet, which isn't much. ‘Skip’ lies perfectly still, breathing inaudibly. He is conveniently rolled on his front when Doug's ready to zoom in. Soon as his tongue is in its ‘musty holster,’ as Mark used to call it, Doug comes, hurling his head around. ‘Skip’ stands, throws on clothing, and leaves. Doug opens his eyes. He thinks how stupid he'd look if the real Skip could see the mess he's made of his life. No chance of that. Skip's just another pair of used asscheeks Doug will kick like a beach ball into the sea of former ideas. Skip's washing out on a series of cursory thought waves. ‘Bye Skip,’ Doug says to himself.”
—
“‘Mark,’ Doug whispers. His name keeps coming up.
Doug shakes his head roughly side to side like hippies do old acoustic guitars in which they've lost their picks. It seems to clear out. In fifteen minutes the room sparkles more or less.”
—
“porn will have to do. He grabs the magazine off its perch. It's Swap Meat, which he originally bought because one of the stars seemed a burlier, tattooed Mark Lewis. In the months after Mark's death, Swap Meat grew tattered in Doug's attempt to move into it. He squints while turning the pages, as if attempting to view a great work of art from the proper perspective. It doesn't hold up. Even an image he'd thought religious this morning is just a snap of some junkie on hands and knees, beckoning over one shoulder, eyes drugged to pitch-black, asshole fucked so many times it resembles an empty eye socket. Here's his drab tassel of penis and balls dangling down one bruised leg.”
—
“He closes his eyes, concentrating as hard as he can. He can't quite tune the real Mark in. He gets a familiar face, but, though evocative, it could be Mark's, Todd's, Skip's, the porn star's, or others who've caught Doug's eye in Mark's wake. Features have piled up, superimposed until the visage Doug sees has the beauty but blankness of a GQ model's. Mark's is somewhere beneath it, a skull whose gleaming originality can't be touched no matter how wildly Doug imagines he's french-kissing. Mark is a pile of bones deep and unlit in the earth. Doug's lost in thought. His cock's hard; his brow is furrowed, but he might as well try to breathe life back into someone who's been dead for so long he'd be totally brain damaged.”
—
“Doug and Skip have rolled off the bed onto the rug.
Skip lies facedown with one leg of the overstuffed chair in each hand as if braced for a violent wind. He's said
‘Shit’ so many times the last half of it's worn off. His ass and Doug's balls meet up with a light slapping sound. Their breathing only embellishes it. They're in different worlds, but with each slap realize they're not alone, no matter how far away their dream boys may ride bikes or lie dead. Doug knows whom he wishes were here. He wonders who Skip is fantasizing about.
He whispers, ‘Skip,’ to see what happens. ‘Skip,’ the boy's voice echoes back. Later he laughs when Doug tells him about it. He can't remember what he was thinking. ‘About being in pain, probably’”