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Smart Cookies Don't Crumble
Identifies the myths that have kept women off balance, points out the pitfalls that trap their spirit, and shows women the way out of self-defeating relationships
252 pages, Hardcover
First published June 12, 1985
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
June 14, 2022
Identifies the myths that have kept women off balance, points out the pitfalls that trap their spirit, and shows women the way out of self-defeating relationships.
Although, this was a 'self-help' book, it did make take a step back and look at myself to see if I fell into some of the negative behaviors described in the book (which sadly, I did have some of these behaviors). So I had to take a look at these and re-evaluate if the suggestions she made would help.
Pgs 16-17
...Learn how to make a choice
...learn what's necessary to buld self-confidence and start thinking of yourself as a success, not a failure
Say no without guilt or fear
...deal with various crises that may be stopping you from moving forward
Establish stronger, more intimate relationships while maintaining a clear personal identity
Accept the Gospel
Self-evaluations pgs. 50-57
I liked the section on how to take criticism and other negative behaviors; pgs. 71-82
Assertive behavior defined pg 89-125 especially stopping the self-negative talk
Relationships in marriage
Pg. 242
"...The only perosn you will live your entire life with is yourself."
To get on with your life:
let go of the past
forgive yourself
affirm your worth
"And the third peak is the recognition that you possess the power to give yourself the greatest gift in life-the adventure of your own life. Get on with it!"
Although, this was a 'self-help' book, it did make take a step back and look at myself to see if I fell into some of the negative behaviors described in the book (which sadly, I did have some of these behaviors). So I had to take a look at these and re-evaluate if the suggestions she made would help.
Pgs 16-17
...Learn how to make a choice
...learn what's necessary to buld self-confidence and start thinking of yourself as a success, not a failure
Say no without guilt or fear
...deal with various crises that may be stopping you from moving forward
Establish stronger, more intimate relationships while maintaining a clear personal identity
Accept the Gospel
Self-evaluations pgs. 50-57
I liked the section on how to take criticism and other negative behaviors; pgs. 71-82
Assertive behavior defined pg 89-125 especially stopping the self-negative talk
Relationships in marriage
Pg. 242
"...The only perosn you will live your entire life with is yourself."
To get on with your life:
let go of the past
forgive yourself
affirm your worth
"And the third peak is the recognition that you possess the power to give yourself the greatest gift in life-the adventure of your own life. Get on with it!"
November 27, 2022
While this book did have some good advise, overall it drove me a bit crazy. It definitely is a product of it's times--the mid 1980's--and has a real "woman's lib" attitude with some male bashing attitudes/approaches. Looking at this book almost 40 years later, I would hope that, as a woman, we could have a less vindicitive and spiteful approach to our differences with men.
There are some good ideas in the book, but I had trouble getting past some of the tone and tenor which seemed negative and outdated.
It was recommended based on the the following concept:
"You have control over three things--what you think, what you say and how you behave. To make a change in your life, you must recognize that these gifts are the most powerful tools you possess in shaping the form of your life. Use them wisely and to the fullest. You can be a smart cookie, now." (pg 19)
Other interesting thoughts:
"How we feel about change, in whatever form, helps to illustrate and define how we see ourselves. Some liken change to putting a hand on a hot stove--pull away quickly, reflexively, because it smarts! Blessedly it's over in a wink of an eye before the heat leaves a serious mark. Many believers in the hot-stove theory also think they've 'learned' how to avoid being burned by never lighting another stove. Instead, they take their cooler cues about change by constantly checking the calendar, the marketing list, the cupboards, fussing with the creases on the heirloom tablecloth. They find solace in routine, familiarity, replenishment; plans for the future are made on the basis of yesterday's formula." (pg 25) Ouch. Am I guilty?
"Don't accept that others know you better than you know yourself...You may be sabotaging your efforts as effectively as anyone else without being fully aware that you're doing it. How does this happen?
"Those origami messages--the judgments and evaluations made by parent and sibling early in life--have become a potent part of you. 'You can't,' 'You never could,' ...they repeated to you over and over again. You may have believed them back the, and now they are a part of you. These judgments play like a tape in your consciousness, but now it's you repeating those same negative messages, reinforcing others' faulty, manipulative opinions." (pgs 70- 71)
On page 74 there is a section "Stop blaming others." The author talks about a play "Night, Mother", about a mother/daughter relationship gone seriously awry with the duaghter threatening suicide right after give her mother a manicure. Sounds interesting...and as if it's a grossly exaggerated version of some feelings woman may have experienced (to a much milder degree).
On page 78 there is a discussion about a woman whose husband left her for another woman. "Divorced for nine years, Ellen spend the time being divorced to Hank, not from him. He remained a consistent and ongoing force in her life." I've known people like this and seen how that, despite being divorced, their unresovled feelings result in a continuing cloud over their lives. Best to find a way to let go and move on, I would say.
The author discusses how men can be threatened by a woman's competency. Men may fear that they are no longer needed by the women in their lives. The author suggest that while all women do not need to become founders of countries or corporate leaders, but they should allow themselves a measure of competence and commitment. "Each day, ask yourself: Is my life in balance/As I give to others, am I giving to myself? How can I do what I do without excluding the man in my life?" (pgs 82-83)
There is a chapter titled "From No Poser to NO! Power". Here the author suggest keeping a written record of your behavior to help you stay aware of when you are positively assertive. The questions she suggests asking ourselves are these:
"What is my attitude about facing th esituation?
"How do I typically behave?
"What am I afraid of that stops me from standing up for myself?
"What might I have done after the fact to let others know how I felt?
"What will I do the next time this comes up?" (pgs 112-113)
I didn't care for the vindictive nature of the woman whose wife called the number for time in Tokyo and left the phone off the hook for three weeks out of spire, costing her ex a few thousand dollars. While he may have deserved it, it was not really taking th high road. (pgs 124-125)
The author talks about how not everyone learns from their mistakes. They may choose a new partner, but "unless we examine the dynamics behind our problems, we will basically replicate the conditions of an unsatisfacotry relationship with a man over and over again." (pg 165)
She goes on to say "It is most important to recognize about your chosen man that what you see is what you get. Be aware of who he is and tune in to that, not a dream of him. Don't be tempted to fall in love with a man's potential rather than the reality of what he is. And leave the rehabilitation to the social workers." (pg 169)
On page 184 the author state that "Over the last ten years or son, I've encountered bery few married women who have not been bitter about what marriage has wrought." I think this may be due to her line of work. This attitude of hers is definitely what tainted the book for me. As I write this review, I am only listing the things I personally found of value, not all the negative things.
One great piece of advice was "Instead of searching for a better parner, or a more perfect partner, look for a reasonable partner. You are assured of greater success and satisfaction when you do. In some cases applying this criterion may well save a marriage. Princes are superb--they smile a lot, buty expect to be served...The more reasonable partner may not be flashy, have clout or an international reputation, but he will be there for you at three in the morning. There may never be an individual who can share every part of your life or give you glamor, and that's okay. As a creative, thinking person, understand how you punish yourself by rejecting the man who might provide warmth, stability and continuity. As a converted romantic told me, 'the greates turn-on is compassion.'" Amen to that! (pgs 201-202)
The author gives advise to married women who do not work outside the home. She says to consider some difficult and painful questions, starting with "What would you do if you were suddenly alone?" (pg 210) It's something no one wants to consider, but the very considering of the question and planning for the possibility can leave one better prepared and less worried.
"If women learn to care for themselves and care for each other--and not to be so judgemental--the world can open up. It allows you to experience the joys of life--even the joys of growing older." (pg 216) I LOVE THIS! THIS IS SOMETHING I NEED TO DO!
Freud asserted "that the foundation for the good life rests on productive love and productive work." (pg 228) I like this!
"If you sit back without making an effort and wait for a job, for a man, for a life to fall into your lap, you may spend time on this earth regretting that you didn't ake a step. No action, no results." (pg 231) GOOD ADVICE!!! Do something and do it now!
"...there will always be you in your life. With you as the focus of this time you have on earth, you an complete unfinished business, examine relationships. There will always be those you love who don't love you ack, don't approve of you. Don't be defeated by that. What's more important is that you approve of yourself, are comfortable in your own skin." (pg 249)
There are some good ideas in the book, but I had trouble getting past some of the tone and tenor which seemed negative and outdated.
It was recommended based on the the following concept:
"You have control over three things--what you think, what you say and how you behave. To make a change in your life, you must recognize that these gifts are the most powerful tools you possess in shaping the form of your life. Use them wisely and to the fullest. You can be a smart cookie, now." (pg 19)
Other interesting thoughts:
"How we feel about change, in whatever form, helps to illustrate and define how we see ourselves. Some liken change to putting a hand on a hot stove--pull away quickly, reflexively, because it smarts! Blessedly it's over in a wink of an eye before the heat leaves a serious mark. Many believers in the hot-stove theory also think they've 'learned' how to avoid being burned by never lighting another stove. Instead, they take their cooler cues about change by constantly checking the calendar, the marketing list, the cupboards, fussing with the creases on the heirloom tablecloth. They find solace in routine, familiarity, replenishment; plans for the future are made on the basis of yesterday's formula." (pg 25) Ouch. Am I guilty?
"Don't accept that others know you better than you know yourself...You may be sabotaging your efforts as effectively as anyone else without being fully aware that you're doing it. How does this happen?
"Those origami messages--the judgments and evaluations made by parent and sibling early in life--have become a potent part of you. 'You can't,' 'You never could,' ...they repeated to you over and over again. You may have believed them back the, and now they are a part of you. These judgments play like a tape in your consciousness, but now it's you repeating those same negative messages, reinforcing others' faulty, manipulative opinions." (pgs 70- 71)
On page 74 there is a section "Stop blaming others." The author talks about a play "Night, Mother", about a mother/daughter relationship gone seriously awry with the duaghter threatening suicide right after give her mother a manicure. Sounds interesting...and as if it's a grossly exaggerated version of some feelings woman may have experienced (to a much milder degree).
On page 78 there is a discussion about a woman whose husband left her for another woman. "Divorced for nine years, Ellen spend the time being divorced to Hank, not from him. He remained a consistent and ongoing force in her life." I've known people like this and seen how that, despite being divorced, their unresovled feelings result in a continuing cloud over their lives. Best to find a way to let go and move on, I would say.
The author discusses how men can be threatened by a woman's competency. Men may fear that they are no longer needed by the women in their lives. The author suggest that while all women do not need to become founders of countries or corporate leaders, but they should allow themselves a measure of competence and commitment. "Each day, ask yourself: Is my life in balance/As I give to others, am I giving to myself? How can I do what I do without excluding the man in my life?" (pgs 82-83)
There is a chapter titled "From No Poser to NO! Power". Here the author suggest keeping a written record of your behavior to help you stay aware of when you are positively assertive. The questions she suggests asking ourselves are these:
"What is my attitude about facing th esituation?
"How do I typically behave?
"What am I afraid of that stops me from standing up for myself?
"What might I have done after the fact to let others know how I felt?
"What will I do the next time this comes up?" (pgs 112-113)
I didn't care for the vindictive nature of the woman whose wife called the number for time in Tokyo and left the phone off the hook for three weeks out of spire, costing her ex a few thousand dollars. While he may have deserved it, it was not really taking th high road. (pgs 124-125)
The author talks about how not everyone learns from their mistakes. They may choose a new partner, but "unless we examine the dynamics behind our problems, we will basically replicate the conditions of an unsatisfacotry relationship with a man over and over again." (pg 165)
She goes on to say "It is most important to recognize about your chosen man that what you see is what you get. Be aware of who he is and tune in to that, not a dream of him. Don't be tempted to fall in love with a man's potential rather than the reality of what he is. And leave the rehabilitation to the social workers." (pg 169)
On page 184 the author state that "Over the last ten years or son, I've encountered bery few married women who have not been bitter about what marriage has wrought." I think this may be due to her line of work. This attitude of hers is definitely what tainted the book for me. As I write this review, I am only listing the things I personally found of value, not all the negative things.
One great piece of advice was "Instead of searching for a better parner, or a more perfect partner, look for a reasonable partner. You are assured of greater success and satisfaction when you do. In some cases applying this criterion may well save a marriage. Princes are superb--they smile a lot, buty expect to be served...The more reasonable partner may not be flashy, have clout or an international reputation, but he will be there for you at three in the morning. There may never be an individual who can share every part of your life or give you glamor, and that's okay. As a creative, thinking person, understand how you punish yourself by rejecting the man who might provide warmth, stability and continuity. As a converted romantic told me, 'the greates turn-on is compassion.'" Amen to that! (pgs 201-202)
The author gives advise to married women who do not work outside the home. She says to consider some difficult and painful questions, starting with "What would you do if you were suddenly alone?" (pg 210) It's something no one wants to consider, but the very considering of the question and planning for the possibility can leave one better prepared and less worried.
"If women learn to care for themselves and care for each other--and not to be so judgemental--the world can open up. It allows you to experience the joys of life--even the joys of growing older." (pg 216) I LOVE THIS! THIS IS SOMETHING I NEED TO DO!
Freud asserted "that the foundation for the good life rests on productive love and productive work." (pg 228) I like this!
"If you sit back without making an effort and wait for a job, for a man, for a life to fall into your lap, you may spend time on this earth regretting that you didn't ake a step. No action, no results." (pg 231) GOOD ADVICE!!! Do something and do it now!
"...there will always be you in your life. With you as the focus of this time you have on earth, you an complete unfinished business, examine relationships. There will always be those you love who don't love you ack, don't approve of you. Don't be defeated by that. What's more important is that you approve of yourself, are comfortable in your own skin." (pg 249)
December 21, 2008
For its time the 70's the advice was appropriate--but I realize now this is not for me!
Want to read
July 29, 2010Seeing as how highly rated this one is, I can't wait to peruse it for gems (oop, no, wait for it: "crumbs") of wisdom.
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews