Swinesend: Britain's Greatest Public School

by William Dornan, Jonathan Owens

Swinesend, hallowed public school and much loved home over the years to all sorts of boys (including girls), has long gone unnoticed by Britain's authorities. But thanks to this fully updated guide, those not lucky enough to attend this extraordinarily preserved school can now experience life as a Swinsendian for themselves. Here at Swinesend pupils are still encouraged to keep up customs such as "Toasting the Simpletons" and "Steg Burning." And for those parents who are keen to develop their children's potential beyond the academic, pupils are encouraged to try activities considered too sophisticated for other schools. Alternative sports like hacking and cage fighting are open to all. The culturally-inclined can sample the delights of the Combined Cadet Force Marching Band (described by judges in one recent competition as "a musical form of shock and awe"). Or for children interested in popular culture there are groups such as "Wonder Brass" (the Sixth Form Girls' Big Band). Once introduced to this public school, adults and children alike will appreciate the quality of an education that is quite literally in a league of its own.

Paperback

First published January 1, 2007

Reviews

[Tim Poston · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a descendant of https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4..., but for 'public schools' (expensive, private, secondary), unlike 'prep schools' (expensive, private, primary) such as St Custards. It is correspondingly more vicious. Like most English humour, it is class-based; English people are articulate and soaked in class consciousness, so they do this well. (Like the French do anti-clerical and anal humour.)
The entrance exam for this awful place includes the questions "If one Englishman is needed to rule 6,000 natives in 2,000 square miles of territory, how many Englishmen will be needed to rule the Sindh province (area: 54,407.585 mi²; population 4 million)," and "What evidence is there that Vlad the Impaler invented the yo-yo? Illustrate his technique with diagrams."
I read it with a certain guilty glee, but cannot recommend it to a non-English readership — which thus leaves out almost all my friends on Goodreads. Amazing to come across it in the Ranga Shankara bookshop.