The Gentle Self: How to Overcome Your Difficulties With Depression, Anxiety, Shyness and Low Self-esteem

by Gerti Schoen

Gentle people are well liked. We are good listeners and have a soothing nature. But some of us struggle with feeling sad or anxious, have trouble making decisions, can´t commit, or want to connect to others in a more meaningful way. The Gentle Self explains how we came to be the "good boy" or "sweet girl" in our families, and how we can learn to pay better attention to our own needs. And you will learn how to live a life full of freedom and connection. The author is a psychotherapist and writer who perceives herself as a "gentle self."

136 pages, Paperback

First published August 16, 2011

Reviews

[Kimberley · Rating 3 out of 5]

In this book, the author theorizes that it is possible to be a "gentle narcissist." Generally narcissists are thought of as dramatic loudmouths who are always trying to get attention and praise, but Ms. Schoen asserts that there is another kind of narcissist, one who is quiet in large groups and can't ever seem to think of anything to say. This type of narcissist is focused on what he thinks he is doing wrong or might do wrong, analyzing everything he says or does and finding fault with it (instead of thinking he's awesome, can do no wrong, and should be recognized for it).

Ms. Schoen states that the gentle narcissist or "gentle self" is usually formed in early childhood and details several different parenting styles that could lead to the formation of this kind of personality style in a child. Such a child learns to protect himself from whatever is lacking in his upbringing by trying to be unobtrusive, unassertive, and unnoticed and usually grows up to be a quiet, unassertive adult.

I would have rated the above parts of the book at least 4 stars. As someone who could be considered a "gentle self," I could relate to a lot of the information she provided about different ways this kind of personality might be formed and different ways it manifests itself.

However, the rest of the book deals with tips and suggestions for the gentle self to learn to ask for what he needs in relationships and learn a give-and-take balance instead of giving until he's overwhelmed and tempted to leave. I didn't find the suggestions as helpful. You'd have to be a pretty motivated "gentle self" to do these things on your own without possibly the support and guidance of a therapist, IMO.

[Joni · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book very interesting. It summarizes and integrates a vast amount of material and helps you become well informed about the field of self psychology and its theory of narcissism.