From about 1999 till 2004 there raged a fiery blast furnace within my heart. It abated a bit in the Spring of 2004, when my workplace efforts were crowned with the award of the Queen’s Golden Jubilee Medal.
At first buoyed by this distinction, my energy quickly flagged, sputtered and gave out the next year - when I retired.
As Stéphane Mallarme says, the smoke of ego is pride. And I was asphyxiated.
I had reached the point of utter burnout.
It became clear to me as that year progressed that the root reason of my fall was widespread moral turpitude, which had become painfully obvious to me in my workplace in 1999, for it had been clearly nothing to write home about from an ethical perspective.
Then, I discovered Amazon.
Immersing myself in early patristic Church history, in 2006 I decided to explore the world of this terminally angry saint.
I was not disappointed.
Jerome lived in Rome at the time of the barbarian invasions - and he had been no lover of the egregious and fiery concupiscence in which he found himself engulfed - just as I had experienced the effects of second-hand amoral fire and smoke in the workplace.
So Jerome escaped to the deserts of the mideast, there eventually to die, a fiery hermit.
Other contemporaneous saints, like Augustine, respected and revered this angry man. And so did I.
But modern observers rightly had their doubts.
I, though, smouldering in the black smoke of burnout -
Heard Jerome with his clarion call sounding the charge.
‘Once more, into the fray!’
But, I found to my dismay, the fray would have to wait awhile. My wounds smarted too much. And I was still asphyxiated by my ego’s smoke.
Early on in my life, I had tried on my parent's egos for size, but they were an awkward fit. So, then, picking a ripe Apple from the garden, I bit into it hungrily - but it tasted horrible.
In the end I had to give up on all the usual panaceas, like Jerome.
As in the Scottish ballad which Samuel Taylor Coleridge called “the grand old ballad of Sir Patrick Spence,” I found, like that mortally wounded laird, I had to:
Just sit down and rest awhile -
And then I’ll rise again!
And rise again I did, in 2017 when I joined Goodreads... because, my memories being the catalyst, I performed a wholesale spring cleaning on my soul, through my reviews.
Whew!
So now, seeing my little self as it really is - and nothing much to write home about - old Jerome’s prideful smoke is finally leaving my system...
And Peace is the tradeoff - blooming in burnout.