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Unsafe On Any Screen
Unsafe On Any Screen is a zany, irreverent look at cheesy, sleazy movies, and some that are hidden gems. Author Scott S. Phillips, a filmmaker, screenwriter and former video store owner, is well-qualified to deliver the dirt and praise for movies you might never have seen (or wish you had never seen!) A must-read for fans of trash cinema.
204 pages, Nook
First published June 28, 2006
6 people are currently reading
7 people want to read
About the author
Scott S. Phillips
36 books36 followersScott S. Phillips has written all kinds of stuff: films, TV, books, comics and even dialogue for talking dolls. He's the author of the PETE, DRINKER OF BLOOD series, as well as MAN WITH CHIHUAHUA and several other books. Under the pen name Stevie Jordan Pawminter, Scott cowrites (with Sarah Bartsch) the Danger Potato cozy mystery series (book one, WICKED SNARL, is out now, book two coming soon) and the Sniff and Nibble cozy mystery series (book one coming soon). Scott wrote the screenplay for the cult action flick DRIVE (1997), and twelve episodes of the CW Network's KAMEN RIDER DRAGON KNIGHT.
Perhaps most importantly, he once performed as stand-in for the legendary Lemmy in the video for Motorhead's "Sacrifice."
Please visit Scott's Patreon page, where you can get cool exclusives like sneak peeks at chapters of upcoming books, a Patrons-only blog, read Scott's monthly terrible poems (and see videos of him doing dramatic readings of those very same terrible poems), get your name listed in the acknowledgments of his books, and even have a character named after you! Just copy and paste this link to check it out: https://www.patreon.com/scott_s_phillips
You can also find Scott at Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/scottphillipsnm
Perhaps most importantly, he once performed as stand-in for the legendary Lemmy in the video for Motorhead's "Sacrifice."
Please visit Scott's Patreon page, where you can get cool exclusives like sneak peeks at chapters of upcoming books, a Patrons-only blog, read Scott's monthly terrible poems (and see videos of him doing dramatic readings of those very same terrible poems), get your name listed in the acknowledgments of his books, and even have a character named after you! Just copy and paste this link to check it out: https://www.patreon.com/scott_s_phillips
You can also find Scott at Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/scottphillipsnm
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Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews
June 8, 2015
There are support groups for a lot of addictive habits. I don’t know of any for those of us who can’t stop watching trashy movies. But books like this fulfil a similar role. You’ll find tales of trauma and of unholy delight :
On The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987) :
A lot of people don’t even realise this movie exists, but I actually saw it in its theatrical release, an event so traumatic I can’t even go into it here. The girl at the box office even tried to talk my pal Howie and I into seeing a different movie, which of course only made us want to see this cinematic train wreck all the more.
On Paranoiac (1963) :
As the plot twists and turns towards its funky conclusion, that goddamn scene rears it bowel-loosening little head and you can kiss your pleasant dreams goodbye.
On The Deadly Spawn (1983) :
I thought I’d choke up my tater tots when the nasty little critters tore into a granny-ladies vegetarian luncheon and made it a meat-lover’s function instead.
On Rock ’N’ Roll High School (1979) :
I had yet to be hooked. Then everything went nuts. Riff dropped a record on the turntable and spun the bastard up, forever altering my already somewhat twisted worldview. The album was Rocket to Russia, the band The Ramones, the song Sheena is a Punk Rocker. It was feeding time in the monkey pen the instant Dee Dee croaked out "Go!" and that little three-chord wonder started wailing. Within seconds, the living room was a shambles — Jiffy Pop scattered to the four winds, vinyl couch cushions hurled everywhere.
Scott S. Phillips - novelist, comic book and television writer, film director, extra in John Milius’ Red Dawn (1984) and one time video clip stand-in for Motorhead’s Lemmy Kilmister - eloquently describes both the agony and the ecstasy of watching trash films in this collection of reviews written over the period of 1995-2003 for an Albuquerque, New Mexico alternative newspaper called The Weekly Alibi.
He covers a very varied selection of videos, from his beloved Italian horror and crime films to martial arts to the Friday the Thirteenth series to films featuring Godzilla and Gamera. He even reviewed a trio of exercise videos, rating them, as one might expect, more for their voyeuristic appeal than their cardiovascular effectiveness.
Phillips has his own unique two part 0 to 5 rating system for these movies. First there is the Greased Ape Scale - representing the number of greased apes he would be prepared to wrestle to get to see the film again. Then there is the Cheap Bourbon Scale - how many cheap bourbons he would have to drink to make the film seem worthy of wrestling more greased apes to see it again. This system confused me a little at first. I think I mostly have the hang of it now. The Cheap Bourbon Scale indicates how much a film’s appeal can be enhanced by being intoxicated while watching. I’m still a little confused though. If a film gets a 4 on the Greased Ape Scale but 0 on the Cheap Bourbon Scale, doesn’t that mean that, even cold sober, Phillips would be prepared to wrestle another Greased Ape to watch the film? So wouldn’t that make it a 5 on the Greased Ape Scale. Or maybe I’m trying to be too logical about a system involving greased apes.
If there were a support group for those of us obsessed with trash cinema, it would not be based around helping each other to quit the habit, but rather to get recommendations and have someone to talk to about our habit whose eyes wouldn’t glaze over at mention of Ghidorah, Claudia Jennings or Lucio Fulci. Of course reading a book like this is only a one-way exchange of information and experiences, but, since Phillips gives his Twitter and Facebook contact details, it needn’t be.
On The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987) :
A lot of people don’t even realise this movie exists, but I actually saw it in its theatrical release, an event so traumatic I can’t even go into it here. The girl at the box office even tried to talk my pal Howie and I into seeing a different movie, which of course only made us want to see this cinematic train wreck all the more.
On Paranoiac (1963) :
As the plot twists and turns towards its funky conclusion, that goddamn scene rears it bowel-loosening little head and you can kiss your pleasant dreams goodbye.
On The Deadly Spawn (1983) :
I thought I’d choke up my tater tots when the nasty little critters tore into a granny-ladies vegetarian luncheon and made it a meat-lover’s function instead.
On Rock ’N’ Roll High School (1979) :
I had yet to be hooked. Then everything went nuts. Riff dropped a record on the turntable and spun the bastard up, forever altering my already somewhat twisted worldview. The album was Rocket to Russia, the band The Ramones, the song Sheena is a Punk Rocker. It was feeding time in the monkey pen the instant Dee Dee croaked out "Go!" and that little three-chord wonder started wailing. Within seconds, the living room was a shambles — Jiffy Pop scattered to the four winds, vinyl couch cushions hurled everywhere.
Scott S. Phillips - novelist, comic book and television writer, film director, extra in John Milius’ Red Dawn (1984) and one time video clip stand-in for Motorhead’s Lemmy Kilmister - eloquently describes both the agony and the ecstasy of watching trash films in this collection of reviews written over the period of 1995-2003 for an Albuquerque, New Mexico alternative newspaper called The Weekly Alibi.
He covers a very varied selection of videos, from his beloved Italian horror and crime films to martial arts to the Friday the Thirteenth series to films featuring Godzilla and Gamera. He even reviewed a trio of exercise videos, rating them, as one might expect, more for their voyeuristic appeal than their cardiovascular effectiveness.
Phillips has his own unique two part 0 to 5 rating system for these movies. First there is the Greased Ape Scale - representing the number of greased apes he would be prepared to wrestle to get to see the film again. Then there is the Cheap Bourbon Scale - how many cheap bourbons he would have to drink to make the film seem worthy of wrestling more greased apes to see it again. This system confused me a little at first. I think I mostly have the hang of it now. The Cheap Bourbon Scale indicates how much a film’s appeal can be enhanced by being intoxicated while watching. I’m still a little confused though. If a film gets a 4 on the Greased Ape Scale but 0 on the Cheap Bourbon Scale, doesn’t that mean that, even cold sober, Phillips would be prepared to wrestle another Greased Ape to watch the film? So wouldn’t that make it a 5 on the Greased Ape Scale. Or maybe I’m trying to be too logical about a system involving greased apes.
If there were a support group for those of us obsessed with trash cinema, it would not be based around helping each other to quit the habit, but rather to get recommendations and have someone to talk to about our habit whose eyes wouldn’t glaze over at mention of Ghidorah, Claudia Jennings or Lucio Fulci. Of course reading a book like this is only a one-way exchange of information and experiences, but, since Phillips gives his Twitter and Facebook contact details, it needn’t be.
February 1, 2015
Scooter's a good friend and occasional business associate, so fair warning.
If you love weird, culty, or B-movie cinema, you need to check out this collection of capsule reviews Scott wrote over a period of years for a local weekly called THE ALIBI. They're written in his trademark breezy, madcap style, and both his love of movies and his deep, wide knowledge of them comes constantly shinin' through.
If you love weird, culty, or B-movie cinema, you need to check out this collection of capsule reviews Scott wrote over a period of years for a local weekly called THE ALIBI. They're written in his trademark breezy, madcap style, and both his love of movies and his deep, wide knowledge of them comes constantly shinin' through.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews