Grow the Tree You Got: & 99 Other Ideas for Raising Amazing Adolescents and Teenagers

by Tom Sturges

A wise and inspiring guide to parenting through the extraordinary- and at times tumultuous-journey that is the adolescent and teenage years.

When Tom Sturges became a father, he decided that he wanted to be one of the greatest father that ever walked the earth. But things became a bit more complicated when his older son turned ten, and the chatty kid he'd known suddenly started locking his bedroom door. Tom realized he needed to find a way to stay on track-he needed crib notes. So, if a parenting idea of technique worked well, he wrote it down. And if he stumbled across something another parent did that was particularly ingenious or exemplary, he wrote that down, too. In Grow the Tree You Got , Tom presents "golden rules" for raising happy, healthy, and compassionate adults. His mantra? It's impossible to show our children too much respect, but it's worth the effort to try.

Genres: Parenting

288 pages, Paperback

First published May 5, 2011

Reviews

[Jessica at Book Sake · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having a teenage son was what prompted me to want to read this book. Many of the stories were relatable but most of the ideas and tips were nothing new to me. They say that most self-help books aren’t helpful because either you don’t apply the information or because it is common knowledge…this falls under the common knowledge for me. I know there are many parents that don’t apply this information and it could prove to be a big change for their family if they did.

The book is simply a reminder for me to let my son grow however he is going to grow. It tells us that we are there to help them along, but essentially each child is different and is going to need to grow in their own time and direction. Sturges reminds us that while our children may not do what we think they should do, or what we want them to do, they are their own person and have the ability to choose what and how they want to do things.

The chapters don’t touch on what to do when your child is really out of line, when things are really bad, but I don’t think any book could cover that area with the type of expertise that would be needed. It does get us to look at situations differently and with a calmer tone to our voices. It’s a pretty simple formula – speak to them as you would want to be spoken to and give them the freedom to make their own choices.

Book Rating: 3/5
Book Received From: Tarcher/Penguin for Review
Reviewer: Jessica for Book Sake http://booksake.blogspot.com

[Katie Krombein · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked it. It was pretty lighthearted, generally good reminders. I had a hard time reading it in one setting because I felt like I was skimming through it and not taking things to heart, so I slowed it down and read a chapter here and there. Definitely felt like a self-help book but still had some good things for me to remember.

p. 18: If you find yourself in a circumstance with your children and you are not sure how to act, or react, or even respond to what they have done, ask yourself: What would Paul McCartney do? Nothing! Never again be embarrassed by anything your teenager has done, should have done, should not have done, is doing, should not be doing, is wearing, should not be wearing, and so forth. Leave it alone. Look the other way. Let it go. Let it be.

p. 57: 'Stay out of the headlines and they can only judge you for your music.' Here is how it applies: This little philosophy means that one should avoid the needless controversy that would be caused by some heartless comment or action. One should not speak out loud the unkind or critical remarks that dance across the mid as you attend your daughter's dance recital or listen to your son's first songwriting efforts. ...In other words, keep your mouth shut and they can judge you only for what you do best, which is hopefully your parenting.

p. 76: try to speak corrections positively like....instead of "don't be mean to your sister" say "be kinder to your sister, please." Instead of "strop throwing things in the house" say "I'll get my glove and we can go play catch." Instead of "do not get in trouble today" say "make me proud of you today." Instead of "stop being so rude to grandma" say "let's be extra nice to grandma." Instead of "why are you being a smart ***" say "there must be a better way to say that." Instead of "You'd better not be lying to me" say "the truth reduces the punishment by 90 percent."

p. 86: build bridges - "The key to the success of any of these bridges is that you be together with the adolescent or teenager in your life. Not necessarily physically together, however, but being together is what makes it a bridge between you. You both have to be involved and present in the same moment, pursuing the same goal, dream, laugh, or purpose.

p. 96+: Show their daughter how much they loved her while at the same time requesting that she change her behavior. How do you show or measure something as intangible as love? I took a quarter out of my pocket and handed it to the mother and said, 'you can use this coin to help everyone in the conversation gain perspective. Tell your daughter that you love her as much as this whole soccer field, but that you are upset with her only the size of the quarter. Ask her if she can help you fix the part represented by the quarter.' It was a way to put the problem and disappointment into an easily understood perspective.

p. 99: At the same time, disappointment is as much a part of raising amazing adolescents and teenagers as pride and elation. Disappointment is really just a measurement: the difference between what you expect of your child and what she delivers. Disappointment is the distance between what you hope she will do and what she actually does. Today's disappointment can be tomorrow's defense. Today's rudeness can be tomorrow's career path. Today's obnoxious daughter can become tomorrow's president of her own company. Be careful with what you decide to try and change about her. Change her habits, but not her nature.

p. 100+ chapter "wrong? be completely wrong": You may have made the wrong decision, even if it was for all the right reasons. Even if you were a little bit right you were still very, very wrong. Regardless of how incrementally correct you may have been, apologize to her for the overwhelmingly wrong part, mustering all the humility and sincerity that you possibly can. If you follow this guideline, you will also give your daughter an incredible gift that she can use the rest of her life. You will show her how to be wrong and how to be sorry when she is wrong. You will show her how tot admit to a mistake and how to apologize for it. You will provide her with a template that she can use in all of her relationships going forward. The parents who defend their shattered decorum and tattered dignity with detailed arguments just make things much worse. When you have acted the boor, just admit it. When you are sorry, be very sorry. When you are wrong, be completely wrong.

p. 108+: children often use and mean and spell important life words differently from how adults do. He gave as an example the word "love." What it means to adults is practically indescribable. What it means to children is basically this: How much time are we spending together? And for that reason children spell the word "love" T-I-M-E. Hearing him say this opened a door for me. He made realize that there are many words and phrases adolescents and teenagers use when they really mean to say something else, something very different. Or they will say nothing and expect us to understand what that means too. Or when they cannot find the exact words that they need to describe an uncomfortable feeling, they use completely different words that are more comfortable. [CHART] They say love; they mean time. They say love me; They mean spend more time with me. They say just listen for once; they mean please be more patient with me. They say go away, just leave me alone; they mean find me, I might be lost. They say you never show me that you love me; they mean you might not love me. They say you don't understand; they mean you don't want to understand. They say you are not being fair; they mean you are judging me without the evidence... They say trust me; they mean obviously you don't trust me. They say I don't care at all; they mean I care I care I care. They say you're not listening to me; they mean you do not listen to me. They say you must think I am deaf; they mean why are you yelling at me. They say Can I have $50? They mean I have no concept of the value of money. They say Can I have a car? They mean I am too young to have a car. They say I have no friends; they mean my friends are having fun without me. They say stay out of my room! They mean please stay out of my room. They say do you like the way I look? they mean please, just notice me.

p. 126: Be nice every chance you get: Yes it is easier sometimes to walk by an adolescent or teenager and ignore an opportunity to be nice or to be kind. Maybe you are upset about something that was said or punishing her because of something that was done....but suppose you took advantage of every chance to be nice to your adolescent or teenager, threw around an extra good morning or two, or blew her an extra good-night kiss. ...Your being generous may be the difference between a good day and a bad one. Your being loving may be the extra percentage of joy that swings an evening from lost to found. Your being kind is possibly the best of you, and the smile on your face maybe be the sign she has been hoping to see all evening. Your understanding may be the tiny event that changes everything about your adolescent or teenager's universe, at least that part of it.

p. 140+: A big dream is just transportation. A new big dream is a like a brand new car - shiny and new, clean as a whistle, never gone a mile, never been scratched or dented, never been anything, and it even has that new dream smell....A big dream is a peek at an imagined future, a glimpse of a possible life. It is one prism through which to view the rest of what his life might become. It should be imagined down to the very last detail, as much and as often as possible. The adolescent or teenage driver never knows when the dream will stop working for him, when and if it will be taken from him, or when it will crash and burn and be left of the side of a road somewhere. The important thing is to have a very specific and realizable dream, full of possibility and hope. What is a big dream if not a way to look ahead?

p. 182+: By teaching adolescents to "rate" what goes on in the world around them, we give them a tool that does two important things. First, it allows them to better understand and give context and texture to their universe, and second, it shows them how to effect change in that world, and how to make it better for themselves without making it worse for anyone else. ...One way to find out what's really going on is to ask your son to rate his sister (as a sister) on a scale of 1 to 10, then turn to your daughter to rate her brother (as a brother) the same way. Explain that 10 in this case, is the perfect sister who does no wrong and may be headed for beautification ->sainthood. And 1 in this case, is a girl who has much room for improvement....This exercise gives you a chance to speak about things that might not be working for them, at least insofar as their sibling is concerned. You must be sure to listen to all of the reasons why they have rated their sibling the way they have and pay complete attention to the details they provide. If your son and daughter have trusted you with their views on each other, give them the best of yours in return by listening without rancor or judgment. The most important part of the conversation will take place when you ask each of them what it would take for their brother or sister to get his or her number up. You will be surprised to find that it is often something quite simple that is causing the greatest annoyance or irritation. He may tell you that she always goes in his room and looks through his things, while she may say that he always embarrasses her in front of her friends. These are easy to fix, and in the fixing you will show your children the art of compromise and detente, and how to work out their differences with some kindness and understanding. If there is friction between your offspring, and you want to get them involved in solving the problem themselves, start by asking them to rate each other and what it would take for them to give their brother or sister a better rating. The ability to assess and self-assess will provide a long-term value, leading to better relationships throughout their lives, and better tools to resolved the inevitable disputes that arise between siblings in the present day and the years ahead.

p. 193: gift possibilities: Boss day - birthday celebrator gets to make every key decision for the whole day. A perfect Twenty-four Hours: what is the most perfect day to your teenager - build that day, or at least as close to it as you can can possibly get. Set a budget. The joy is in planning. Complete Pardon: if teenager happens to be in a state of punishment on a particularly important birthday, possibly consider letting him start over. One Year's Allowance in Advance. Rule#5 - Call me, no questions asked.

p. 207: Punish with kindness: wait twenty minutes

p. 209: Biggest tree feeds surrounding trees. Imagine she is like a little tree....she may not know how to ask for more of you, and she may not know that she can ask you for more. She may be so embarrassed by her situation that she refuses to discuss it with anyone. .....share even more of yourself in her days of crisis and woe. Help keep her fed and alive and nourished until the problem has passed. Anticipate her weakest points--and balance them with your strengths and strong suits. Let into the soil all around her your patience, wisdom, kindness, love. These are just some of the things that she is looking for from you--whether consciously or unconsciously, knowingly or unknowingly.

p. 214 : Delay by two weeks some important event. I came up with a mechanism to show him how important being on time had to become in his life. It went like this: From that day forward, every lateness he succumbed to would delay by two weeks his right to a driver's license application. ...Every time he had to be anywhere, not just school, but a doctor's appointment or a dinner's date with me or basketball practice or an SAT class, it counted. ...Thomas's birthday is in November, and he got to apply for his license in May, if that gives any indication of how difficult a habit this was to break. Even with that much hanging in the balance, he could not grasp what he was losing until he saw almost everyone else in his junior class driving around time....It was not until he began to take full responsibility for his lateness that he could begin to control it. When it finally affected his life more than anyone else's, he began to understand. ....The purpose of punishing an adolescent or teenager is to change his behavior, nothing more, nothing less. Thomas, not anyone else had to make the change in his behavior.

p. 229: As parents, we should be careful to guide our adolescent and teenage children, but never defeat them. Lead them to the places we want them to go, but never break their hearts or spirits getting them there. Recognize their great accomplishments but never use their accomplishments against them, and never make them compete with themselves. When they make a mistake, yes, it is okay to detail the negatives, but once it's done, it's done. When they succeed, we should spend time on that fact. We should ask questions and gain for ourselves a detailed understanding of the hows and whys of our children's successes. We should try to be part of their lives' solutions by being a part of their lives' inspirations.

p. 235: No reason to ever yell, either. Never, ever. Never, forever. When you get upset, whisper. It is the only way that your message will get through all the noise that is going on in your adolescent's head anyway. Yelling shows no respect and diminishes a young person's sense of self-respect and self-worth. Yelling is a form of bullying and only proves that you, the parent, have completely lost control of the situation you are in, whatever it is. Yelling scars. Yelling accomplishes nothing, it only reduces and demeans.

p. 246: while it may appear that a crisis is small and manageable, try to recognize that it can become quite serious in no time. Try to never diminish the severity of any challenge to the peace in your adolescent's life. If it is a big deal to him, let it be a big deal to you. It's that simple. If it scares him or intimidates him, try to understand why as you help guide him through it. If it rocks his universe, acknowledge its significance and let it rock yours too. Never scoff at or diminish his reaction to a situation. Never be shocked by his naivete or his inability to deal with it, whatever it is. Never laugh at his attempts to fix it. If your son failed some major assignment or missed a key deadline, stand next to him when he seeks the teacher's or coach's forgiveness.

[Heather Hale · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm conflicted. On the one hand, this book is purely anecdotal with no science or author credentials to back it up. The author even admits he is only a part-time parent to his own kids, and he has no formal training in child development. Other than some volunteerism, this dude has no business writing a parenting book. But then again, it's an entertaining read. If you can get past Sturges contradicting himself every other chapter and offering no substantiation, it's not a total waste of time. All told, I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon.

[Tanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some nuggets in here that help me validate that I am on the right track as we head into adolescence. I appreciate that the author encourages readers to respect the person your child is and not try to relate to him or her only as you want your child to be. This is much along the same philosophy as "The Available Parent.". The lessons are the chapter titles and the stories to illustrate the examples are brief, but relevant.

[Nadia · Rating 4 out of 5]

While the ideas in this book are definitely American (i.e. other cultures will have widely different but equally valid philosophies on childrearing), I found it a good read and very helpful to remind me of things I already knew and make me feel they were possible for me to aspire to achieving.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

My daughter just turned 10 so I found this very useful for the soon to be teenager. Some of the tips are very useful and I will remember them!

[Stef · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not bad. A couple of good ideas. Interesting anecdotes.

[Lisa Keegan · Rating 4 out of 5]

found this at the dollar store. good pointers that I wish I could follow. quick read.

[Valerie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy reads. Some really eye-opening ideas about raising my kiddos.

[Julie · Rating 1 out of 5]

The most interesting part of the book was the title.

[Stevie · Rating 4 out of 5]

insightful