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261 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
But in spite of all this exterior order my existence wasn’t uniformly smooth and cloudless. For I, after all, not just decided to lock myself up here because one fine day I’d lost my job and didn’t know how to begin everything anew. I was hoping to grope my way in stillness, I kept protesting, I didn’t want to admit that life – which I strived to turn into the molding of the innermost being – is destined to progress similar to a visit to the dentist: they make you sit down, they hurt you, they take your money… Often, in the moment of awakening, my brain was ready to work intensively and started rabidly to waste energy, revving away. In such days I was overcome either with ceaseless nervous tremor or with unsurmountable apathy – and just after few hours, after a short furious impulse, I fell back onto the bed exhausted, thoughtless, incapable to engage myself even in the simplest inner dialogue.