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James Malory #11
Mission Accomplished
SSS OPEC and Sir James Malory are assigned to kill SSS ARCO who works for the Saudi Arabia Defense Department. SSS OPEC and Sir James Malory are on a mission for the CIA to kill SSS ARCO because SSS ARCO wants to invent a solution would end the planet earth of all living things. SSS OPEC and Sir James Malory acts as scientists to invent a solution to end the earth because SSS ARCO and Scorpion wants a planet called Gene for drug lords to survive better when they were in South America meet John Smith. So enjoy.
228 pages, Paperback
Published May 10, 2016
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July 16, 2020
The eleventh Linus Holmes/James Malory/Perrie French¹ novel is the one where he refuses to accomplish his mission.
The mission is to ”kill SSS ARCO and to get the secret microfilm [and] also to stop from blowing the earth to dust, too" (p. 16; errors as in the original text; some text replaced by the bracketed one for the sake of brevity),² so normally one would expect that the protagonist would at least try to accomplish this at the first opportunity. Particularly since the title of the book is Mission Accomplished, one would expect this to be the case. But then this is a novel about Sir James Malory’s exploits and they have always done to normalcy what meteors once did to dinosaurs. Accordingly, here the protagonist instead decides to help the villain raise as much Hell as possible because said villain is too inept to do it on her own. That and she pays for the food:
”Never mind this talk, but, however, we can just have dinner now and discuss it,” said James Malory
“Of course,” replied SSS ARCO.
“Would you like all to go out to the Olive Garden?”
“Whose is paying?”
“We will be chipping in.”
“That is what I would concur on, however, I would concur with me just paying as usual.” (p. 121, errors as in the original text)
And this is the entire summary of the novel, really. Sir James Malory, accompanied by SSS OPEC, spend the entire book munching and slurping on SSS ARCO’s dime, and in return they help her procure radioactive materials, kidnap people, and hold the world hostage. Intermingled with this is a heap of nonsense, without which this would not truly have been a Sir James Malory novel. Take the reason to turn the earth to dust, for example:
”What is her plan?” asked SSS OPEC.
“To blow up the earth to dust,” said Scorpion.
“I do see the point. What does she expect to gain from that?”
“To live on Mars or Venus.”
“And do what?”
“To form a better life form and environment to live longer and prosper as well as that and even become more abundant than the earth finances has.” (p. 30; errors as in the original text)
The idea of living on other planets and the strange ideas connected to it continue to develop as the novel goes on, and each time it is visited the gibberish mutates incrementally. There is of course also the mandatory rubbish regarding sex, drugs, and extreme excesses of alcohol, the constant eating, the drivel on politics and social issues, unorthodox concepts such a laser flamethrowers that go “BOOM,” and very aberrant views on how the natural sciences work. This is, in other words, a no-sense Sir James Malory novel through and through.
It was about most of the day that the flight took all day. (p. 118)
See? Not an ounce of sense in there.
Particular for this novel is the lengthy discussions on books and movies, sometimes in the middle of something else, like as a sudden interruption during polar-bear-fur sex. Sadly beyond this and the slandering of Ian Fleming, there are few moments of entertainment to be found in these discussions. Another particular which is entirely new to the series is that we now get to see the detrimental effects that the alcohol has had on the health of Sir James Malory and his sidekicks. Apparently he now drinks so much that his ejaculate causes inebriation in others, and SSS OPEC is experiencing numbness as a result of it, a symptom of alcoholic neuropathy. Oddly enough, much of this is consumed in Saudi Arabia, but there is no explanation for how they got hold of it.
In short, the eleventh novel in the series follow suit with the previous ones. The threat of having the earth turned into dust has become generic as far as the series is concerned, and the comedy is pretty much the same as it ever was. What little is new does not reach the heights of the staples, producing little extra as far as entertainment is concerned. Thus Mission Accomplished has to rely on creating further humorous situations akin to those we have seen before. For these to work the craft needs to be at the same level as before, or higher, and this is something the novel actually accomplishes (as opposed to its mission). It may not be the best in the series nor the one I’d recommend as an introduction point, but it is still a very enjoyable one.
And now, to round of the review, a very silly quote from the novel for your pleasure:
”I will have eggs over easy,” said Stag.
“I will have the same,” replied Stone.
“I will have some ham,” said James Malory.
“After breakfast we all will meet in the study,” replied John Smith.
“I will concur,” said SSS OPEC.
“After breakfast?” asked SSS ARCO.
“Yes,” said John Smith.
The maids and Butlers began serving breakfast and then the outside window had many pigeons were flying and laying bird shit on the outside window. The window had pigeon shit all over it.
“Get the water hose, Henry,” said John Smith.
“Yes, sir,” replied Henry.
Henry went outside of the garden and then used the water hose to get the pigeons all wet.
Henry reported back to John Smith.
“The job is all done,” said Henry.
“All done?” asked John Smith.
“Yes.”
“What is that on your nose?”
“Is it pigeon shit, sir?”
“Yes.”
Henry wiped the pigeon shit off his nose and then departed from the guests.
The rope was rung.
RING!!!!
RING!!!!
“Yes, sir?” asked Henry.
“I would like some eggs?” asked John Smith.
“Of course.” (pp. 163-164; errors as in the original text)
1. When this novel was first published both the protagonist and the author was named Linus Holmes. Then at some point there was a change of heart and the author started using his (presumably) real name, David Goodwin, and changed the name of the protagonist into James Malory – this is the edition which this review is based on. Recently a third change has been made: Now author and protagonist are respectively named Lord Goodwin and Perrie French. The editions seem to be identical in every other respect.
2. There really isn’t much more to say about the mission statement, but I’ll post it here should anyone want to read it in its entirety:
As Sir James Malory entered S’s office, S looked at SSS OPEC and Sir James Malory, and then S spoke first.
“It involves Saudi Arabia this, James,” said S.
“Who is it this time?” asked James Malory.
“It involves SSS ARCO. She has never been killed or even lost a mission. She has been involving in assassinating CIA agents and thus your assignment is to kill her and get the secret microfilm about our agents from her.”
“So our assignment is to kill SSS ARCO and to get the secret microfilm, right?” asked SSS OPEC.
“Yes, SSS OPEC, you and James will be working together. Not just that but also to stop from blowing the earth to dust, too.”
“What?” asked James Malory, lit his Sherlock Holmes pipe and exhaled three smoked rings.
“Yes. SSS ARCO is also a mad scientist, too. She had gone to several universities in the United States in chemistry and physics and studied solid-state physics and chemistry and has done many things other than that,” said S.
“So what is the threat then?” asked SSS OPEC.
“You will have to pretend to be scientists as well as agents for the CIA while they were not knowing that.”
“I do see the point.”
“Yes. James, you have anything to say?” asked S.
“Where will we be stationed in Saudi Arabia?”
“You two will be pretending to be scientists for SSS ARCO. The lab is in South Saudi Arabia Defense Department in Physics and Chemistry. Is there anything else?”
“Yes?”
“What?”
“What will our names be?”
“Doctor Robert Einstein and Doctor Catherine Zurich as chemistry and psychologists in the area of chemistry. Is that all for now as questions are concerned?”
“Yes,” replied SSS OPEC.
“You two be gone for now,” said S.
SSS OPEC and Sir James Malory left the Oval Office in the White House of the Central Intelligence Agency Department. (pp. 16-17; errors as in the original text)
The mission is to ”kill SSS ARCO and to get the secret microfilm [and] also to stop from blowing the earth to dust, too" (p. 16; errors as in the original text; some text replaced by the bracketed one for the sake of brevity),² so normally one would expect that the protagonist would at least try to accomplish this at the first opportunity. Particularly since the title of the book is Mission Accomplished, one would expect this to be the case. But then this is a novel about Sir James Malory’s exploits and they have always done to normalcy what meteors once did to dinosaurs. Accordingly, here the protagonist instead decides to help the villain raise as much Hell as possible because said villain is too inept to do it on her own. That and she pays for the food:
”Never mind this talk, but, however, we can just have dinner now and discuss it,” said James Malory
“Of course,” replied SSS ARCO.
“Would you like all to go out to the Olive Garden?”
“Whose is paying?”
“We will be chipping in.”
“That is what I would concur on, however, I would concur with me just paying as usual.” (p. 121, errors as in the original text)
And this is the entire summary of the novel, really. Sir James Malory, accompanied by SSS OPEC, spend the entire book munching and slurping on SSS ARCO’s dime, and in return they help her procure radioactive materials, kidnap people, and hold the world hostage. Intermingled with this is a heap of nonsense, without which this would not truly have been a Sir James Malory novel. Take the reason to turn the earth to dust, for example:
”What is her plan?” asked SSS OPEC.
“To blow up the earth to dust,” said Scorpion.
“I do see the point. What does she expect to gain from that?”
“To live on Mars or Venus.”
“And do what?”
“To form a better life form and environment to live longer and prosper as well as that and even become more abundant than the earth finances has.” (p. 30; errors as in the original text)
The idea of living on other planets and the strange ideas connected to it continue to develop as the novel goes on, and each time it is visited the gibberish mutates incrementally. There is of course also the mandatory rubbish regarding sex, drugs, and extreme excesses of alcohol, the constant eating, the drivel on politics and social issues, unorthodox concepts such a laser flamethrowers that go “BOOM,” and very aberrant views on how the natural sciences work. This is, in other words, a no-sense Sir James Malory novel through and through.
It was about most of the day that the flight took all day. (p. 118)
See? Not an ounce of sense in there.
Particular for this novel is the lengthy discussions on books and movies, sometimes in the middle of something else, like as a sudden interruption during polar-bear-fur sex. Sadly beyond this and the slandering of Ian Fleming, there are few moments of entertainment to be found in these discussions. Another particular which is entirely new to the series is that we now get to see the detrimental effects that the alcohol has had on the health of Sir James Malory and his sidekicks. Apparently he now drinks so much that his ejaculate causes inebriation in others, and SSS OPEC is experiencing numbness as a result of it, a symptom of alcoholic neuropathy. Oddly enough, much of this is consumed in Saudi Arabia, but there is no explanation for how they got hold of it.
In short, the eleventh novel in the series follow suit with the previous ones. The threat of having the earth turned into dust has become generic as far as the series is concerned, and the comedy is pretty much the same as it ever was. What little is new does not reach the heights of the staples, producing little extra as far as entertainment is concerned. Thus Mission Accomplished has to rely on creating further humorous situations akin to those we have seen before. For these to work the craft needs to be at the same level as before, or higher, and this is something the novel actually accomplishes (as opposed to its mission). It may not be the best in the series nor the one I’d recommend as an introduction point, but it is still a very enjoyable one.
And now, to round of the review, a very silly quote from the novel for your pleasure:
”I will have eggs over easy,” said Stag.
“I will have the same,” replied Stone.
“I will have some ham,” said James Malory.
“After breakfast we all will meet in the study,” replied John Smith.
“I will concur,” said SSS OPEC.
“After breakfast?” asked SSS ARCO.
“Yes,” said John Smith.
The maids and Butlers began serving breakfast and then the outside window had many pigeons were flying and laying bird shit on the outside window. The window had pigeon shit all over it.
“Get the water hose, Henry,” said John Smith.
“Yes, sir,” replied Henry.
Henry went outside of the garden and then used the water hose to get the pigeons all wet.
Henry reported back to John Smith.
“The job is all done,” said Henry.
“All done?” asked John Smith.
“Yes.”
“What is that on your nose?”
“Is it pigeon shit, sir?”
“Yes.”
Henry wiped the pigeon shit off his nose and then departed from the guests.
The rope was rung.
RING!!!!
RING!!!!
“Yes, sir?” asked Henry.
“I would like some eggs?” asked John Smith.
“Of course.” (pp. 163-164; errors as in the original text)
1. When this novel was first published both the protagonist and the author was named Linus Holmes. Then at some point there was a change of heart and the author started using his (presumably) real name, David Goodwin, and changed the name of the protagonist into James Malory – this is the edition which this review is based on. Recently a third change has been made: Now author and protagonist are respectively named Lord Goodwin and Perrie French. The editions seem to be identical in every other respect.
2. There really isn’t much more to say about the mission statement, but I’ll post it here should anyone want to read it in its entirety:
As Sir James Malory entered S’s office, S looked at SSS OPEC and Sir James Malory, and then S spoke first.
“It involves Saudi Arabia this, James,” said S.
“Who is it this time?” asked James Malory.
“It involves SSS ARCO. She has never been killed or even lost a mission. She has been involving in assassinating CIA agents and thus your assignment is to kill her and get the secret microfilm about our agents from her.”
“So our assignment is to kill SSS ARCO and to get the secret microfilm, right?” asked SSS OPEC.
“Yes, SSS OPEC, you and James will be working together. Not just that but also to stop from blowing the earth to dust, too.”
“What?” asked James Malory, lit his Sherlock Holmes pipe and exhaled three smoked rings.
“Yes. SSS ARCO is also a mad scientist, too. She had gone to several universities in the United States in chemistry and physics and studied solid-state physics and chemistry and has done many things other than that,” said S.
“So what is the threat then?” asked SSS OPEC.
“You will have to pretend to be scientists as well as agents for the CIA while they were not knowing that.”
“I do see the point.”
“Yes. James, you have anything to say?” asked S.
“Where will we be stationed in Saudi Arabia?”
“You two will be pretending to be scientists for SSS ARCO. The lab is in South Saudi Arabia Defense Department in Physics and Chemistry. Is there anything else?”
“Yes?”
“What?”
“What will our names be?”
“Doctor Robert Einstein and Doctor Catherine Zurich as chemistry and psychologists in the area of chemistry. Is that all for now as questions are concerned?”
“Yes,” replied SSS OPEC.
“You two be gone for now,” said S.
SSS OPEC and Sir James Malory left the Oval Office in the White House of the Central Intelligence Agency Department. (pp. 16-17; errors as in the original text)
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