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Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir by Aspen Matis
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“We spent June and July in the Rockies, growing stronger, feeling feral in the untamed range of mountains.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Smiling at an echo of his voice on my mind’s stage, I felt the void of all I hadn’t said.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“We were in the woods, and not a parent or a friend on earth knew where. At this moment, we were untraceable, this notion an odd pleasure. A patch of fallen leaves glowed in a pool of golden sun, and the dim forest air smelled sweet, of young lilac, invisible sage.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“The only comfort I found was in planning to disappear.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“When tomorrow broke, our hillside home filled up with honeyed light, a fish tank.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Because—as I’d discovered—loneliness is not a function of company, but rather it is a consequence: an unpleasant symptom of a needy state of mind that desperately seeks to extract happiness from a source outside itself.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Seamless like a fall leaf changing color, my will switched powerfully.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“In grief, we find a new view—a fresh perspective, which organically generates fresh expansion: personal revolution. Because in the wake of devastation, growth becomes the only survival option. In this way, loss is the shocking catalyst of transformation.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Day vivified the city, and we found a rogue path through the dunes down to the beach, the foam edge of teal sea. The whole sky celestial sapphire.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Jiddu Krishnamurti observed, “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“When you believe you know everything, you can unearth nothing—”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Held in his piercing powder-blue vision, I froze. A butterfly awakened in my chest.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Under gold clouds, he pushed the limits of my body, setting a faster pace—some days surpassing forty rugged miles, unstopping through morning’s thick peach haze; noon’s warmth; red evening sun.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“The New York sidewalk led us along a little corner park rimmed with yellow-orange and violet pansies that seemed to be smiling, their faces upturned, and past a bagel shop that smelled of sesame and salt, delicious warm air. We passed an empty wine bar with a pink chandelier, whimsical and dim inside, and a neighborhood diner with its blue neon sign huge and lit up, little white line-cook hats—the city seemed in my vision like a multifaceted gem, spectacular. I wished I could keep everything I witnessed like a photograph, to forever hold this electric aliveness. The colors of the flowers and the clothing were crisp and rosy, hyper-bright against the subdued sun-drenched pigments of the streets and the brick buildings, all seeming faded, softer than real. Pops of coral and red—a scarf, a lady’s lips—were pops of life.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Swallowed up in the belly of the whale of infatuation, I now needed to distract myself in order to stay happy. Because our unknowable future shadowed the countenance of my soul.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“The block of sky in our twin high windows became a nectarine, amber and rose pink, and we lay in silence as white sunlight broke.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“This protest spoke to me—the humanist principles felt connected to the minimalist essence of long-distance hiking, the desire to transcend the smoke and mirrors of our country’s established society, revealing what remains in all its splendor: the magnificent, resilient human soul.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“The true answer held my chest like an unwanted hand’s sudden touch, uncomfortable and unfeeling.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Bright yellow lemons twinkled in the twilight sun on a terrace tree, and far beyond my window, San Francisco lay, flat like a pastel toy.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“That evening after dinner, I picked lemons from the tree in the backyard, the fruits golden bulbs under the rising moon.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“My parents had lived in California, long ago, when they were twenty and twenty-two, also newly married. This distant knowledge romanced me like a whiff of honey, the sweet and mythic prehistory of my existence.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“A single black ant sped across the floor beyond our naked toes, and I wondered why I felt so oppositional. His expression of unflappable faith had touched a profound place, the deep wellspring of my purpose—my future dream I cradled like a soft and formative pearl.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“I could not deny that in this attractive city, without compelling assignments or any deadlines to reach for, all painful catalysts for growth had been eliminated, erased from my existence like the rogue lines in a sketch—the unexpected marks that make the picture’s expression passionate and real, gone now. Living here, I was growing complacent again, seduced by a stagnant state of mind I hated to indulge—”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“I trusted my husband so purely, as raindrops trust the ocean as they’re falling.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Not pausing, Justin grabbed my laptop and opened applications for me to return to college, the moon framed in our kitchen, winking in the window from behind a slate storm-cloud. He asked me questions from the forms aloud, marking my responses—applying me to schools in New York City.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“In the small hours of a cold February dawn, Justin and I walked to the Pacific, high cliffs eroding over the ocean, crashed and crashed by lapping salty waves. Their spray misted us in day’s young purple air, exhilarating. Walking the Golden Gate Bridge, our world receding, pale gold sunrise lit thin fog, morning coloring us like a faded fairy tale.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“The protagonist of East of Eden, who believes he is evil but desperately wants to be good. He prays to God: Make me good.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Every person exists in their own shallow bowl, and they can’t see over the rim,” he explained. “But they think that their world is the world—the truth. When in reality, no two bowls are identical, and all people are stuck trapped in their own.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Reaching a section of our story that felt uncomfortable—our first intimacy—I unconsciously drifted over to Facebook.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir
“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”
Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir

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