Holidays on Ice Quotes

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Holidays on Ice Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris
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Holidays on Ice Quotes Showing 1-30 of 36
“If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“Sallie Mae sounds like a naive and barefoot hillbilly girl but in fact they are a ruthless and aggressive conglomeration of bullies located in a tall brick building somewhere in Kansas. I picture it to be the tallest building in that state and I have decided they hire their employees straight out of prison.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game. ”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“But at the end of every show we would realize that true happiness often lies where you very least expect it. It might arrive in a form of a gentle breeze or a handful of peanuts, but when it came, we would seize it with our own brand of folksy wisdom.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“In the role of Mary, six-year-old Shannon Burke just barely manages to pass herself off as a virgin.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“We were standing near the Lollipop Forest when we realized that Santa is an anagram of Satan... Overhearing the customers we would substitute the Satan for the world Santa.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downsing that is sure to follow.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“There was a big “Sesame Street Live” extravaganza over at Madison Square Garden, so thousands of people decided to make a day of it and go straight from Sesame Street to Santa. We were packed today, absolutely packed, and everyone was cranky. Once the line gets long we break it up into four different lines because anyone in their right mind would leave if they knew it would take over two hours to see Santa. Two hours — you could see a movie in two hours. Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they’re not living in a democratic nation. People stand in line for two hours and they go over the edge. I was sent into the hallway to direct the second phase of the line. The hallway was packed with people, and all of them seemed to stop me with a question: which way to the down escalator, which way to the elevator, the Patio Restaurant, gift wrap, the women’s rest room, Trim-A-Tree. There was a line for Santa and a line for the women’s bathroom, and one woman, after asking me a dozen questions already, asked, “Which is the line for the women’s bathroom?” I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the women in it. She said, “I’m going to have you fired.” I had two people say that to me today, “I’m going to have you fired.” Go ahead, be my guest. I’m wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn’t get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are? “I’m going to have you fired!” and I wanted to lean over and say, “I’m going to have you killed.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“A wise man once said that in order to communicate, you have to be able to speak in someone else’s language.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“The approach of Christmas signifies three things: bad movies, unforgivable television, and even worse theater. I’m talking bone-crushing theater, the type our ancient ancestors used to oppress their enemies before the invention of the stretching rack.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“I’m going to have you fired!” and I wanted to lean over and say, “I’m going to have you killed.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“At noon a huge crowd of retarded people came to visit Santa and passed me on my little island. These people were profoundly retarded. They were rolling their eyes and wagging their tongues and staggering toward Santa. It was a large group of retarded people and after watching them for a few minutes I could not begin to guess where the retarded people ended and the regular New Yorkers began.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I’m afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you’re bad he comes to your house and steals things.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“Trying to explain moral principles to Khe Sahn was like reviewing a standard 1040 tax form with a house cat!”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“While the mini-series based upon novels generate a good deal of interest, it’s these real-life dramas that tend to draw a larger audience. Why? I chalk it up to five simple words we use in every print or televised promotion. Five words: “Based Upon a True Story.” Not made up in the mind of some typist, but true. Some say that truth is stranger than fiction,”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“The dialogue fills the auditorium like an unrefrigerated boxcar of month-old steaks.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“I often see people on the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I tend to avoid leaflets but it breaks my heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco. So, if there is a costume involved, I tend not only to accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying, “Thank you so much,” and thinking, You poor, pathetic son of a bitch. I don’t know what you have but I hope I never catch it.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
tags: humor
“These tabloids only want to exploit. They don’t understand this woman and her life. They don’t understand you, let alone someone like me. If you want my opinion, they’re nothing but savages and we’d be better off without them.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“bowl. It was disgusting to think that this was what a gumdrop might look like in your stomach, and it was insulting to be told not to take too much of something you didn’t really want in the first place.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“Yes, I am talking about boat trailers, but also I am dying.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice
“Pointing to the oversized crate that served as a manger, one particularly insufficient wise man proclaimed, “A child is bored.” Yes, well, so was this adult.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

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