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You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas by Augusten Burroughs
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“And I began to let him go. Hour by hour. Days into months. It was a physical sensation, like letting out the string of a kite. Except that the string was coming from my center.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“Acceptance, when it comes, arrives in waves: Listen with your chest. You will feel a pendulum swing within you, favoring one direction or another. And that is your answer. The answer is always inside your chest. The right choice weighs more. That's how you know. It causes you to lean in its direction.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“My mistake was in underestimating the emotional force of a song you have already hear a thousand times.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“Most everybody had made at least one bad, drunken decision in their lives. Called an ex at two in the morning. Or perhaps has a little too much to drink on a second date and wept inconsolably while revealing how simply damaged one was, while nonetheless retaining an uncommonly large capacity for love. That kind of thing was, while regrettable, at least comprehensible. But waking up with someone generationally inappropriate, like your grandfather's best buddy?”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
tags: humor
“My attraction had been immediate and profound. And it had nothing to do with the way he looked. My attraction was to what resided between his lines.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“I remember, no matter how impossible it seemed that any given day would end, it always did. This one would, too.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“I loved most when his eyelashes twitched and he blinked, and suddenly happiness was there inside his eyes. Unmistakable. Like a single word printed on a clean white page.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“George had been surprised by my ability to leave him. He had not seen that in me.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer.

Glen had been born on the day after Christmas.

"My parents just combine my birthday with Christmas, that's all," he explained.

But we knew this was a lie. Glen's parents just wrapped a couple of his Christmas presents in birthday-themed wrapping paper, stuck some candles in a supermarket cake, and had a dinner of Christmas leftovers.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he'd promised her, making the father angry?”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he’d promised her, making the father angry?” (p.3)”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“I had always had the oddest feeling, consider it knowledge, that if I were ever to find myself inside the cockpit of a 767 with two dead piolets and afew hundred passengers in the cabin behind me, I would absolutely be able to land the ninety-thousand-pound jet.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“It's not that I was an outright nitwit of a child.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“Despite evidence to the contrary, I hated drinking to the point that I misplaced really big slabs of time.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“My grandfather blasted in. "Aw now, hell, carolyn, don't go twisting the boy back up in knots all over again now that you finally got him straightened out. They aren't leprechauns, son. they're elves. Leprechauns are those little drunk motherfuckers from Ireland.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“Nothing worth having comes easy.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“I said all the wrong things. Except when I was busy saying all the mean ones and in the end I hated everybody and everything.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“Maybe one of my problems is I never depend upon the kindness of strangers.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“The only time it was okay to drink Kahlúa was if you were thirteen, your parents were out of town, and you needed something to break the ice so you could have sex with your homeroom teacher. Kahlúa was medicine for teenagers; not a drink for grown-ups.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
“You know, American alcoholics are pretty fucking hard to insult.”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas