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Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples Getting the Love You Want : A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix
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“When we were babies, we didn’t smile sweetly at our mothers to get them to take care of us. We didn’t pinpoint our discomfort by putting it into words. We simply opened our mouths and screamed. And it didn’t take us long to learn that, the louder we screamed, the quicker they came. The success of this tactic was turned into an “imprint,” a part of our stored memory about how to get the world to respond to our needs: “When you are frustrated, provoke the people around you.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“Dr. Hendrix, why do couples have such a hard time staying together?” I thought for a moment and then responded. “I don’t have the foggiest notion. That is a great question and I think I’ll spend the rest of my career trying to find out.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“In literature, as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. —ANDRÉ MAUROIS”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“We have learned over the years of helping couples that just spending quality time talking about each other’s pasts can be very helpful. We’ve seen how effective this can be in our couples’ workshops. Years ago, we devoted half the workshop time to helping couples learn more about each other’s pasts. Now, we spend a fraction of that time and get the same results. There is a concept informally called woundology, where couples spend too much time dwelling on the past, which should be avoided. Nonetheless, spending some time sharing your childhood experiences is vital because it gives you a better understanding of your partner’s inner reality and helps you shift from judgment to curiosity and empathy.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“In the words of Wordsworth, we come into the world “trailing clouds of glory,” but the fire is soon extinguished, and we lose sight of the fact that we are whole, spiritual beings. We live impoverished, repetitious, unrewarding lives and blame our partners for our unhappiness.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“Helen and I like to think of two people in a conscious love relationship as companion stars. Each person is a unique individual ablaze with potential. One is just as important as the other, and each has a unique and equally valid view of the universe. Yet, together, they form a greater whole, kept connected by the pull of mutual love and respect. They mirror the interconnected universe.     New”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“A man who attended a recent workshop said that “falling in love with my wife made me feel loved and accepted for who I was for the very first time. It was intoxicating.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“generally speaking, there are two simplified categories that parenting falls into: intrusive or neglectful caretaking. Parents were either overinvolved—telling us what to do, think, and feel—or they were underinvolved—physically or emotionally absent. These challenges are across the spectrum from subtle to severe. As a response, we become anxious and self-absorbed, losing our capacity for empathy. We become the walking wounded in a battlefield of injured soldiers. For the child who experienced intrusive parents, in later years, she becomes an isolator, a person who unconsciously pushes others away. She keeps people at a distance because she needs to have “a lot of space” around her; she wants the freedom to come and go as she pleases; she thinks independently, speaks freely, processes her emotions internally, and proudly dons her self-reliant attitude. All the while underneath this cool exterior is a two-year-old girl who was not allowed to satisfy her natural need for independence. When she marries, her need to be a distinct “self” will be on the top of her hidden agenda.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.   The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings. —MARTIN BUBER”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“When Harville awakened, he looked at the same scene with a loud and appreciative exclamation. I was tempted to explain to him that I had already seen the beautiful view and was now working on an important email. But I recalled the “Still Face” video and moved to the window to join Harville’s enthusiasm for the rising sun and shining beach, rather than be a still face. If I had not joined him, his excitement would have had no echo. The power of this experience led us to include it as a technique we recommend to couples in our workshops and therapy, to cultivate curiosity and wonder by echoing the joy (or the sadness) in their partners. THE”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“From our view, these scars are very active in adult intimate relationships and show up constantly when a partner turns away or shows a still face when the other is trying to engage.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“There are times in most relationships when one partner is mystified by the other’s behavior: “You’re crazy. You keep doing the same things over and over, and it’s totally unproductive!” Or, “I am totally confused by you. You make no sense.” “I’m surprised that you’re going to accept that promotion. You are far too busy already.” There are also times when you are triggered by something your partner does or by your partner’s repetitive behavior. Knowing something about your childhoods will help you understand that.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“the unconscious is trying to resurrect the past is not a matter of habit or blind compulsion but of a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“Helen’s research in the field of epistemology, the science of “how we know what we know,” helps explain why. There are two different types of knowing: “Separate Knowing” and “Connected Knowing.” Here’s an illustration of the differences between the two. You have a “separate” or intellectual knowing of an apple if you can recognize a picture of the fruit, understand that it contains the seeds of the plant, or talk about its health benefits. You have a “connected” or more experiential knowing of an apple when you hold one in your hand, feel the waxy texture of the skin, smell it, and taste it. Separate knowing is abstract. Connected knowing is concrete. Combining these two ways of knowing can give you a more comprehensive level of understanding. You learn about the apple and you taste it.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
“Ironically, for reasons we will explore in later chapters, fusers (who experienced neglectful caretaking) and isolators (who experienced intrusive parenting) tend to grow up and marry each other, thus beginning an infuriating game of push and pull that leaves neither partner satisfied.”
Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples