The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Quotes

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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, #1) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Quotes Showing 121-150 of 703
“He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“The mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Marvin trudged on down the corridor, still moaning. "...and then of course I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left hand side..."
"No?" said Arthur grimly as he walked along beside him. "Really?"
"Oh yes," said Marvin, "I mean I've asked for them to be replaced but no one ever listens."
"I can imagine.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Janx Spirit : Janx Spirit is a rather potent alcoholic beverage, and is used heavily in drinking games that are played in the hyperspace ports that serve the madranite mining belts in the star system of Orion Beta. The game is not unlike the Earth game called Indian Wrestling, and is played like this: Two contestants sit at either side of a table, with a glass in front of each of them. Between them would be placed a bottle of Janx Spirit — as immortalized in that ancient Orion mining song :

“Oh don’t give me no more of that Old Janx Spirit
No, don’t you give me no more of that Old Janx Spirit
For my head will fly, my tongue will lie, my eyes will fry and I may die
Won’t you pour me one more of that sinful Old Janx Spirit”

Each of the two contestants would then concentrate their will on the bottle and attempt to tip it and pour spirit into the glass of his opponent – who would then have to drink it. The bottle would then be refilled. The game would be played again. And again. Once you started to lose you would probably keep losing, because one of the effects of Janx spirit is to depress telepsychic power. As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was usually obscenely biological.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Only by counting could humans demonstrate their independence of computers.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“In moments of great stress, every life form that exists gives out a tiny subliminal signal.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“In fact there was only one species on the planet more intelligent than dolphins, and they spent a lot of their time in behavioural research laboratories running around inside wheels and conduction frighteningly elegant and subtle experiments on man. The fact that once again man completely misinterpreted this relationship was entirely according to these creatures’ plans.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Many respectable physicists said that they weren't going to stand for this -- partly because it was a debasement of science, but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Please relax," said the voice pleasantly, like a stewardess in an airliner with only one wing and two engines one of which is on fire, "you are perfectly safe.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“These creatures you call mice, you see, they are not quite as they appear. They are merely the protrusion into our dimension of vastly hyperintelligent pandimensional beings.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Mc Donalds he thought. There's no longer any such thing as a Mc Donalds hamburger. He passed out. When he came around seconds later he found he was sobbing for his mother.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Wow,' said Zaphod Beeblebrox to the Heart of Gold. There wasn't much else he could say.
He said it again because he knew it would annoy the press. 'Wow.'
The crowd turned their faces back toward him expectantly. He winked at Trillian, who raised her eyebrows and widened her eyes at him. She knew what he was about to say and thought him a terrible show-off.
'That is really amazing.' he said. 'That really is truly amazing. That is so amazingly amazing I think I'd like to steal it.'
A marvelous presidential quote, absolutely true to form. The crowd laughed appreciativley, the newsman gleefully punched buttons on their Sub-Etha News-Matics and the President grinned.

As he grinned his heart screamed unbearably and he fingered the small Paralyso-Matic bomb that nestled quietly in his pocket.

Finally he could bear it no more. He lifted his heads up to the sky, let out a wild whoop in major thirds, threw the bomb to the ground and ran forward through the sea of suddenly frozen beaming smiles.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
tags: humor
“Somewhere in the cosmos, he said, along with all the planets inhabited by humanoids, reptiloids, fishoids, walking treeoids and superintelligent shades of the color blue, there was also a planet entirely given over to ballpoint life forms. And it was to this planet that unattended ballpoints would make their way, slipping away quietly through wormholes in space to a world where they knew they could enjoy a uniquely ballpointoid lifestyle, responding to highly ballpoint-oriented stimuli, and generally leading the ballpoint equivalent of the good life.

And as theories go this was all very fine and pleasant until Veet Voojagig suddenly claimed to have found this planet, and to have worked there for a while driving a limousine for a family of cheap green retractables, whereupon he was aken away, locked up, wrote a book and was finally sent into tax exile, which is the usual fate reserved for those who are determined to make fools of themselves in public.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“...to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before...”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“The only person for whom the house was in any way special was Arthur Dent, and that was only because it happened to be the one he lived in.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.
...In these enlightened days, of course, no one believes a word of it.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
tags: humor
“It gives me my headache just trying to think down to your level”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“He would have felt safe if alongside the Dentrassis' underwear, the piles of Sqornshellous mattresses and the man from Betelgeuse holding up a small yellow fish and offering to put it in his ear he had been able to see just a small packet of cornflakes. But he couldn't, and he didn't feel safe.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“...and the renewed shock had nearly made him spill his drink. He drained it quickly before anything serious happened to it. He then had another quick one to follow the first one down and check that it was all right.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“And for all the richest and most successful merchants life inevitably became rather dull and niggly, and they began to imagine that this was therefore the fault of the worlds they'd settled on.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Arthur lolled.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“In the center lay the exploded carcass of a lonely sperm whale that hadn't lived long enough to be disappointed with its lot.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches. Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees
in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“You'll have a national Philosopher's strike on your hands!”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“It startled him even more when just after he was awarded the Galactic Institute's Prize for Extreme Cleverness he got lynched by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists who had finally realized that the one thing they really couldn't stand was a smartass.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“I'd far rather be happy than right any day."
"And are you?"
"No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
"Pity", said Arthur. "It sounded like rather a good lifestyle otherwise.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth and had made attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits, so they eventually gave up and left the Earth by their own means shortly before the Vogons arrived.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“The mice were furious."
[...]
"Oh yes," said the old man mildly.
"Yes well so I expect were the dogs and cats and duckbilled platypuses, but..."
"Ah, but they hadn't paid for it you see, had they?"
"Look," said Arthur, "would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?"
[...]
"Earthman, the planet you lived on was commissioned, paid for, and run by mice. It was destroyed five minutes before the completion of the purpose for which it was built, and we've got to build another one."
Only one word registered with Arthur.
"Mice?" he said.
"Indeed Earthman."
"Look, sorry - are we talking about the little white furry things with the cheese fixation and women standing on tables screaming in early sixties sit coms?"
Slartibartfast coughed politely.
"[...] These creatures you call mice, you see, they are not quite as they appear. They are merely the protrusion into our dimension of vast hyperintelligent pandimensional beings. The whole business with the cheese and the squeaking is just a front."
The old man paused, and with a sympathetic frown continued.
"They've been experimenting on you, I'm afraid.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
“And to this end they built themselves a stupendous super-computer which was so amazingly intelligent that even before its data banks had been connected up it had started from I think therefore I am and got as far as deducing the existence of rice pudding and income tax before anyone managed to turn it off.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy