So many chairs, and no time to sit Quotes

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So many chairs, and no time to sit So many chairs, and no time to sit by Jarod Kintz
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So many chairs, and no time to sit Quotes Showing 1-30 of 31
“I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“I think the most romantic letter you ever gave me was “W,” because it’s a couple of soul mate “V”s. Or maybe they were a couple of letters of the same sex engaging in a homosexual relationship. A “W” is two “V”s in a civil union, but the world is not ready to flip that on its head and let them go for the big “M.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same.
”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!
”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.
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Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, why don’t you go all out and write in Lucifer on the ballot?”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.
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Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“I’ve got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise, because it’s not like you bought your own gift.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“I stitched an itch to my side. As far as surgeries go, I’m just barely scratching the surface.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“It’s hard to wear a Speedo and pose with an erection. Still, I’ve got to try, every Saturday from 9 am to 8:59 pm.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“She asked if I found what she was telling me very exciting, and I managed to yelp out “very” while yawning.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“My grandmother got approved right before the law changed, so naturally she got grandfathered in. In related news, but completely unrelated, I was adopted.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“I dance for a living. At the early bird special you can find me—doing the worm.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“Of all the things I own, I’m most sentimental about my shoes, because they’ve traveled with me every step of my journey.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit
“There may be a sucker born every minute, but every 30 seconds a lollipop pops out.”
Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit

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