99 Cents For Some Nonsense Quotes

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99 Cents For Some Nonsense 99 Cents For Some Nonsense by Jarod Kintz
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99 Cents For Some Nonsense Quotes (showing 1-30 of 360)
“Between hello and goodbye is I love you.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, go all out and write in Lucifer on the ballot.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Male or female, if my name were either Don or Dawn, I’d be up at sunrise to celebrate the glory that is me.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s Day.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“You can share in my joy, but I don’t want to share my misery. No, I want to give away my misery. Go ahead, take it all.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“My love is made out of three things: the dawn, the sunrise, and redundancy. I poured you two glasses, which can easily and efficiently be drunk out of one cup.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Crying about the economy is a strategy. It won’t get you a job, but it will keep Kleenex in business.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“If I were stranded on a desert island, and could have only one person and three things with me, I’d want Nietzsche, a pen, paper, and a stick-on mustache.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Love is like a buffalo with butterfly wings, and I’m just the humble man in the jetpack trying to shoot it down with a bow and arrow.
”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“The flag was waving in the wind. Now whether it was waving hello or goodbye, I do not know.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“I floated like driftwood in the ocean. I wasn’t worried about sharks, because my bathtub is much too shallow.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. That’s just the kind of gentleman I am.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Dear cat, your ears are flipped inside out, so I know you’re not listening to a word I’m not saying.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Socialism provides safety in numbers. And that’s OK, if you don’t mind trading your name—your identity and individualism—for a number.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“In a victory speech, I like to thank the opposition, because without their help, I couldn’t have won.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Backing yourself into a corner is a terrible strategy, in that it leaves you nowhere to run. But it’s brilliant in that it brings out the fierce in you, because you are forced to fight.
”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“I’m a dyslexic dancer. Instead of leading the women, I follow. Quick, cab driver, follow that woman!”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I wanted a tyrannical omelet.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“What ends in a W, has no beginning, and is always in the present? Now.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I think I know the answer, so here is my address: Jarod Kintz 12321 Karma Circle, Jax, Fl 32223.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to trade my dusty democracy, but Uncle Sam isn’t interested in a deal at this time. 
”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense
“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.”
Jarod Kintz, 99 Cents For Some Nonsense

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