Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting Quotes

“They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“When parents offer their children empathy and help them to cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness, and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“And when your family shares a deeper intimacy and respect, problems between family members will seem lighter to bear.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“When a child has that strong emotional connection with a parent, the parent’s upset, disappointment, or anger creates enough pain in the child to become a disciplinary event in itself.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“father is someone who works hard, who isn’t around much, who criticizes more than he compliments, who doesn’t show affection or any other emotion except anger—no longer applies,”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“I call the parents who get involved with their children’s feelings “Emotion Coaches.” Much like athletic coaches, they teach their children strategies to deal with life’s ups and downs. They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness, or fear. Nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“You can say the right thing, but if your heart isn’t in it, it won’t draw you any closer to your child. In fact, fudging may cause you to lose credibility with your child, which can drive a wedge in your relationship. Be sure, therefore, that you truly understand your child before you say you do. If you’re not sure whether you understand, simply reflect back what you see and hear.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“Today, children’s safety comes from their fathers’ hearts. It is based on men being present with their children emotionally as well as physically.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“Many parents, unfortunately, quit reading aloud to their children once the youngsters learn to read on their own. But others continue into the teen years, taking turns at reading increasingly sophisticated books. Like regular family meals, such habits provide assurance that parent and child will connect on a consistent basis to share something enjoyable.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“The Appendix lists titles of good children’s books that deal with emotions. Your child’s teacher or librarian may also offer suggestions.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“It helps, however, to remember that the goal of Emotion Coaching is to explore and understand emotions, not to suppress them. It may be easier in the short run to dismiss your child’s negativity, ignore it, and hope that it will take care of itself. You can form the deluded philosophy that the mere passage of time will make things better. What you get for this attitude is less trouble in the short run, but more trouble in the long run. Problems are much harder to cope with after they have been neglected and your child has become emotionally distant. In contrast, the rewards of parenting come from being attentive to our children’s feelings. It is impossible to accept and validate a child’s emotion at the same time you wish it would just go away. Acceptance and validation come instead from empathy—that is, feeling what your child is feeling in the moment.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“Remember also that you don’t always need words to communicate understanding. Your willingness to sit quietly with a child as the two of you grapple with feelings speaks volumes. For one, it can indicate to your child that you take the matter seriously. It can also say that you agree that this is not an insignificant problem; it requires thought and attention. As you sit together with an emotion, know that a hug or a back rub often says more than words—especially if the child is grappling with sadness or fear.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“Once you dedicate yourself to being present with your child’s emotions, you will find opportunities to connect with her in meaningful ways on a day-to-day basis. From a series of seemingly mundane incidents, you’ll form an important, lasting bond. You’ll become what my friend and developmental psychologist Ross Parke refers to as “a collector of moments.” You’ll recognize your interactions as precious opportunities and value aspects that others might miss. And when you look back, you’ll see your relationship with your child as you would a treasured string of pearls.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“By “base of power” I mean the element in the parent-child relationship that makes it possible for parents to set limits on children’s misbehavior—something all kids want and need. For some parents, the base of power is threats, humiliation, or spanking. Others, who are overly permissive, may feel they have no base of power at all. For Emotion-Coaching parents, the base of power is the emotional bond between parent and child. When you are emotionally connected to your child, limit setting comes out of the your genuine reactions to your child’s misbehavior. Your child responds to your anger, disappointment, and worries, so you don’t have to resort to negative consequences such as spanking and time-outs to amplify your feelings.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“child who has just been spanked or called sloppy, mean, or stupid is likely to be more interested in retaliating against his parents than in pleasing them.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“(1) All feelings are permissible; not all behavior is permissible. And, (2) The parent-child relationship is not a democracy; it is the parent who determines what behavior is permissible.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“Don’t be afraid to be firm—especially when it comes to your child’s safety and well-being. As a mature adult, you know better what behaviors are potentially dangerous. Keep in mind also that research shows children whose parents monitor their friends, activities, and whereabouts are less prone to risky behavior. They are less likely to fall into a deviant peer group, get in trouble with the police, abuse drugs, commit pranks and crimes, become promiscuous, and run away.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“By this, I mean that children’s brains are naturally wired to seek security and love, knowledge, and understanding. Your child wants to be affectionate and altruistic. She wants to explore the environment, find out what causes lightning, what’s inside a dog. He wants to know what is right and good, what is bad and evil. She wants to know about dangers in the world and how to avoid them. He wants very much to do the right thing, to become increasingly strong and capable. Your child wants to be the kind of person you will admire and love.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“Clearly, there are situations when Emotion Coaching should be postponed. These include: WHEN YOU’RE PRESSED FOR TIME”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“they use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“1. become aware of the child’s emotion; 2. recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching; 3. listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings; 4. help the child find words to label the emotion he is having; and 5. set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child

“In other words, fathers should avoid the “Disneyland Dad” syndrome of constantly making time with their children a party. Children may benefit more from their relationship with dad by helping him cook dinner and do the dishes than by watching him pick up the tab at Burger King.”
― John M. Gottman, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child