The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over. Quotes

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The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over. The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over. by Jarod Kintz
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The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over. Quotes Showing 1-30 of 132
“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all people.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Scars exist to show that I existed. I myself don’t have any scars, but every single one of my friends has a healed up knife wound deep in their back.
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your coffee, or directly into your soul?
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on my cape, and a long running start.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until Renaldo, being the good friend that he is, reminded me how to tie a noose.
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“I travel light. But not at the same speed.
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of a fogged mirror?
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s what my soul is saying right now.
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short.
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“I’ve got a sizeable retirement nest egg. It’s an ostrich egg, and it’s going to make an omelet so big that it’ll produce enough leftovers for decades.
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can't run with them, or spread them?”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood required to operate my massive penis.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“If I could fly, life would be amazing. But paraplegic people say the same thing about walking, and I freaking hate walking. Somebody might ask me, “Hey, do you want to go for a walk?” and I’ll reply, “Nope. But I do want to have a seat on a chair with wheels and roll along with you.” So maybe flight isn’t so cool after all. Possibly birds get pissed off they have to fly everywhere. 
”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.
“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife's naked body glistened through his kitchen window.”
Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

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