The Emotionally Abusive Relationship Quotes

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The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel
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The Emotionally Abusive Relationship Quotes Showing 1-16 of 16
“With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism, and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until he or she is incapable of judging a situation realistically. He or she may begin to believe that there is something wrong with them or even fear they are losing their mind. They have become so beaten down emotionally that they blame themselves for the abuse.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“This is particularly true of those who "love too much" and those who tend to lose themselves in their relationships. Sometimes our love becomes distorted by our feelings of insecurity and our fear of abandonment. This is the often the case with those who become overly controlling and overly smothering of their partner. Others become emotionally abusive because of their fear of intimacy.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“•The abusive partner continually denies any responsibility for problems.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“Because women tend to turn their anger inward and blame themselves, they tend to become depressed and their self-esteem is lowered. This, in turn, causes them to become more dependent and less willing to risk rejection or abandonment if they were to stand up for themselves by asserting their will, their opinions, or their needs.

Men often defend themselves against hurt by putting up a wall of nonchalant indifference. This appearance of independence often adds to a woman's fear of rejection, causing her to want to reach out to achieve comfort and reconciliation. Giving in, taking the blame, and losing herself more in the relationship seem to be a small price to pay for the acceptance and love of her partner.

As you can see, both extremes anger in and anger out-create potential problems. While neither sex is wrong in the way they deal with their anger, each could benefit from observing how the other sex copes with their anger. Most men, especially abusive ones, could benefit from learning to contain their anger more instead of automatically striking back, and could use the rather female ability to empathise with others and seek diplomatic resolutions to problems. Many women, on the other hand, could benefit from acknowledging their anger and giving themselves permission to act it out in constructive ways instead of automatically talking themselves out of it, blaming themselves, or allowing a man to blame them. Instead of giving in to keep the peace, it would be far healthier for most women to stand up for their needs, their opinions, and their beliefs.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“Begin to nurture yourself…Some grew up expecting their romantic partners to give them the nurturing they hungered for, only to be disappointed. But our partners are not our parents, no matter how much we try to make them into parents. No one can make up for the deprivation you experienced, and no one should be expected to.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“Creating chaos provides excitement for some people, especially those who are uneasy with silence, those who distract themselves from their own problems by focusing outward, those who feel empty inside and need to fill themselves up with activity, and those who were raised in an environment in which harmony and peace were unknown.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in his or her perceptions, and self-concept. (..) Eventually, the recipient loses all sense of self and all remnants of personal value.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“emotional abuse is much more than verbal abuse. Emotional abuse can be defined as any nonphysical behavior that is designed to control,
intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate another person through the use of degradation, humiliation, or fear.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“(..) physical behavior that can be considered emotional abuse (..): symbolic violence. This includes intimidating behavior such as slamming doors, kicking a wall, throwing dishes, furniture, or other objects, driving recklessly while the victim is in the car, and destroying or threatening to destroy objects the victim values. Even milder forms of violence such as shaking a fist or finger at the victim, making threatening gestures or faces, or acting like he or she wants to kill the victim carry symbolic threats of violence.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“The truth is, few people put up with emotional abuse as an adult unless they were abused as a child. And nearly every person who becomes emotionally abusive has a history of such abuse in childhood.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“One of the most significant patterns established by those who were emotionally abused in childhood is based on what is called the “repetition compulsion”—an unconscious drive to repeat the same type of abusive relationship we ourselves experienced as a child in an attempt to accomplish a new outcome. The repetition compulsion compels us to transfer our longings, conflicts, and defenses from the past onto the present in an attempt to undo the past.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“Often it is the person who is being abused who is presented as the identified patient (the one with the problem). Because emotional abuse causes a person to doubt [their] perceptions, and to blame [themselves] for all the problems in the relationship, the abused party often takes on the role of the identified patient quite willingly. The abuser not only goes unrecognized but can also feel bolstered by the counseling experience as [their] perceptions are validated (..).”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“An individual or a couple can remain locked in a prison of conflict, humiliation, fear, and anger for years without realizing that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. (..) Often, emotional abuse between couples is denied, made light of, or written off as simple conflicts or “love-spats” when in fact one or both partners are being severely damaged psychologically.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“(..) if something goes wrong in his environment, a man tends to look outside himself first for the cause of the problem. According to research, this tendency is based partly on the male biological tendency to take action (versus introspection) and partly on the male ego, which encourages him to blame others and not take responsibility for his actions. Conversely, if something goes wrong in her environment, a woman will tend to look inside herself for the cause of the problem.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“When emotional abuse is mutual, it becomes a matter of survival (..) each partner becomes less and less self-assured, each clings to the relationship even more. A destructive cycle is created—even as the relationship becomes more and more abusive, each person becomes more dependent (..).”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
“(..) it is quite common for those with a history of emotional abuse to feel they are being victimized, even when they are the ones who are being abusive. (..) First, many who were emotionally abused in childhood (especially those who were physically or emotionally rejected or abandoned by one or both parents) are extremely sensitive to any perceived rejection or abandonment from others. (..)

Second, those who were emotionally abused in childhood or in a previous relationship—especially those who were overly controlled or emotionally smothered—are often extremely sensitive to anything that seems remotely like control, even when they themselves are controlling. To these people, even commitment can feel like emotional suffocation. Therefore, if they constantly create chaos in the relationship, it gives them a sense of freedom from the stifling confinement of intimacy.

Third, one of the most common effects of a history of abuse is hypersensitivity. Those with an abusive past often develop a radar system tuned to pick up any comment or action from others that could be interpreted as being negative. (..) Victims of childhood emotional abuse are notorious for flying off the handle at the least provocation.”
Beverly Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing