Jeremy Maddux > Recent Status Updates

'Candomblé is a regular thing in Brazil. People know about it and it’s not the sort of thing that you joke about. It’s really serious, because when you see possessed people—as I have—you know it’s real and not fake. Being a part of those sessions is a real experience. I always regarded it as a serious thing.'

"The bird must come to the realization that all of this new massive world is designed just like his gilded cage. Everything he sees, feels and experiences is provided for him to help him grow and succeed. If he has a need, then it will be provided for him. Sure, it may not be in the same manner as before, but the universe will always provide. Life is not happening to him. It is happening for him."

God gave his only begotten son. Fritz Von Erich gave five of his. Very sad story. The prestige of the Von Erich family name and World Class Championship Wrestling will always live in the shadow of so much suicide and abuse.

His tongue hit her clit, and she clamped her thighs around his head. “Fuck!” “My name,” he insisted. “Let everyone know who you belong to.” “G-Gavin?” “I’m not a question, baby. I’m the answer to everything.”

Knight, Mia. Crime Lord's Captive (Crime Lord Series Book 1) (p. 181). Kindle Edition.

Worst emperor ever. His severed head got fish hooked by Otho during a time that would see a high turnover rate for the purple cloak.

“Please don’t fuckin’ hurt this!” I cried. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to disturb you, the Clicking-Thing! Please don’t fuckin’ kill this! Man, I’ll suck your dick if you don’t kill this! Oh, please don’t kill this, the Clicking-Thing! PLEEEEAAASE!!!” I then punctuated my groveling with a shrill, cowardly scream.

Hackle, Douglas. Zoltergeist the Poltergeist (pp. 37-38). Kindle Edition.

“Y’know you my tiny, little hound dog, right?” he said. “Yeah, I know. You my tiny, little hound dog, too.” “And y’know you my tiny, little son, right?” “Yeah, I know. You my tiny, little son, too.” “And y’know you my tiny, little toy soldja, right?” “Yeah, yeah, yeah—you my tiny, little toy soldja, too.”

There it is! The book to book 'tiny little son' comment. I don't know why that's so funny, but it is.

“Man, this isn’t fair, yo! I mean, look at my friggin’ boss. Dude attends Eyes Wide Shut orgies and eats the flesh of sacrificed hookers and stuff like that, and all he has to do is say a few Our Fathers and a couple Hail Marys? Yet I’m supposed to lock myself up in a house in some podunk town in some flyover state for six months just because I rubbed one out to ‘Walk Like an Egyptian’ thirty-five friggin’ years ago?

'“I remember,” he says sometimes to the girl, while in bed, as she looks at him with disgust, “when I first noticed this collapse and unraveling of our system. Something wasn’t right. Too many synchronicities or coincidences. Then the disintegration of time began and I started seeing sixteenth century pikemen, not to mention Roman legions, roaming the nearest boulevard..'

“Jackpot?” I yelled back. “What jackpot?” The bells stopped ringing, and I let my hands fall from my head. “The Penance Jackpot!” I’d never heard of such a thing, but I started to get excited. “Jackpot?” “Yes. Your odds of hitting it were one in twenty-seven million. You’re actually the first person to hit the Penance Jackpot here at St. Mary’s. This is very exciting.”

'...the screaming girl is torn apart like raw steak dropped into a tank of starving piranha. Gobs of blood and viscera paint the boy band posters covering the walls of her room in a chunky, wet, vivid crimson. “What happened?” the poltergeist’s horrified wife shrieks from the doorway a moment later. “I don’t know, Stace,” her husband says. “But I think I just shit my motherfucking Spanish-Arabian overalls!”'

'Megan jerked upright. One of her eyeballs stared fixedly to the right; the other had found something of interest in the back of her skull. The bitch was still alive. He couldn’t let her live, not after he’d blown off the top of her head.'

"Si-mon, no!"

This is one of the funniest covers I've ever seen. At first, it just looked like something to illustrate a pastoral beginning, then I looked at the actual composition. The little caped demon riding the bicycle 'look ma, no hands' style, and the unassuming barn in the background. It takes a minute but it's hilarious.