Jeremy Maddux > Recent Status Updates

'So, in the last 50 years this book has been suppressed twice. What forces caused this remain unknown, but if they are that powerful, we have every reason to believe that we'll be hearing from them at some future date.'

As riveting as this story is, there is one major flaw I'm seeing, that the main story gets derailed by a very, very, very long story-within-the-story. The main characters shouldn't be missing from one fourth of the book, and that's what it's starting to feel like as this urban legend story in an old diner takes center stage while Dan and Abe fade into the background of their own drama.

“I wouldn’t even do that, bro. Sure, I’ve had thoughts of giving you a metal lobster claw for a hand once or twice, but I never acted on it, bro. Is it wrong to have an imagination? What are you, the fucking thought police?”

“The way I see it, the longer I associate with you, the higher my chances get of you turning me into a one-man human centipede, or whatever thing your fucked-up brain can think of. This seems like a good out for me. I got a family to think of.”

'And here Mr. Boone brightened a little. “Dude, what if we did Stratego for real! Like we get some real spies, and generals, and bombs, and shit, and let two sides go at it across a battlefield? Wouldn’t that be fucking dope?” “You mean like a war?” Mr. Boone’s face fell. “Yeah, I see what you mean. It’s been done.”'

"And so what happened when you got home? You call all your friends and tell them you parked your pork sword in a slut sheath? Did you ask God for forgiveness?"

"Oh God, it’s true. He was a cheerleader. On the junior cheer squad. The pep rallies. The basketball games. Football. He wore his cheerleader outfit on game days. He was the only boy on the squad. Everyone laughed at him. They called him a fag. He sounds like a total fag, bro. But he wasn’t, though. Not like a girl. He just liked cheer leading. He just wanted to cheer." "Like George Bush when he was at Yale."

"You must answer its treacherous summoning, and reply with might. And does it please the gods for you to do so, bro? It fucking well does. So I ask you, Casimir of Theseus. Are you ready to answer that call?” Casimir waited a moment to make sure Mr. Boone was finished before saying. “Yeah, alright.” “Fantastic,” said Mr. Boone. “Take off your clothes. It’s what the Greeks would have wanted, bro.”

God, the final battle in this book just goes on and on and on and on and on and on. They don't have enough body left between them all to keep getting wounded. Enough already!

"I’ve got to fucking run, bro. It turns out that country I bought in Africa keeps getting invaded by child armies, and I’ve got to fund a different child army to fight them before they fuck up my diamond mines. These kids are like fucking Pokemon, it’s mental!"

"He makes bigfoots. I don’t even know how to say it without sounding crazy, but he does. He makes fucking bigfoots. People see them sometimes, in the woods in Oregon and places like that. He releases them into the wild. Honest to God bigfoots. And that’s just one thing."

Dude...