Jeremy Maddux > Recent Status Updates

'Above the dark abyss of the maelstrom, the boat hears the mating calls of the sperm whale. It sees dead-drunk shipwrecks swarming with sea lice and hideous snakes, golden singing fish, electric crescent moons, and black seahorses—things that people only imagine they’ve seen…'

"There is something in human beings that whispers secretly to them that they are personally immortal, that other people die, but not them.” Eyes almost sad now, brooding. “Some argue with God or whatever deity commands their belief, offering prayers, good works, bribes, anything to get well, to find out that it has all been a mistake."

"When you’re famous, huge and black, you can only beat off in your truck for so long before you get arrested.”

“The fornicators have angered the Father and he has sent a plague. The world has accepted the castration of his will."

I'm going to hazard a guess that Miss Hunt doesn't actually know any religious people personally, because modern religious people generally don't talk in the Old Testament vernacular in everyday conversation.

“Only dykes and sluts enter the military!” “Was your mother a beaver?! ’Cause damn!” “Can I read your T-shirt in braille?!” “If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put my dick in your mouth!” “I wish you were my pinky toe so I could bang you on every piece of furniture!”

Best. Pickup lines. Ever.

'He wasn’t giving a speech. He was spouting off terrible pickup lines and making crazy misogynistic remarks. He droned, “Sometimes you gotta put a dick in their mouths to shut them up. Hey, I’m looking for treasure. Can I look around your chest? I just shit my pants. Can I get in yours?'

I'm stealing every last one of these pick up lines for future use. Especially the last one.

'A sixty-year-old guy gets a pussy and the next day causes a pileup on the highway. I don’t think that was a coincidence. Talk about distracted driving; I think he was playing with his new pussy. What male cop wouldn’t understand that? “You killed nine people, Bruce.” “I just got a pussy.” “No shit? You’re free to go.”'

"He wants a fat man to sit on me.  The fat man says, ‘I am going to squish you.’  He says that for fifteen minutes or so.  That’s the whole video.  In another one, I’m naked and I have a bowling ball stuck on my big toe.  Or I put on panty hose that control my mind.  They not only control my mind, they turn me into an infant.  I lie on the floor kicking my legs in the air and making baby sounds."