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Writers A-G > Touching Butterfly Wings

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message 1: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments The life of Conn Finn . My name is Fr Buckley ,a close friend of Conn for over 10 years. On his headstone it simply states "lived free,hurt few,died for many"


message 2: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
Hi Alan, Or would you rather be called Fr. Buckley?

Either way, welcome!

*Puts a big plate of fresh baked cookies on your desk*

Nice headstone by the way :)


message 3: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller | 4362 comments conn?

Anyway, welcome.


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

??


message 5: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
<---is so confused...

..but we can have a party in his cubical, cause it is way late in Ireland at the moment [insert way evil grin here}


message 6: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (last edited Jan 27, 2009 04:48PM) (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
Love the name of your cubical Alan.

I was kissed by a hummingbird once, but never touched butterfly wings.


message 7: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller | 4362 comments lol....


message 8: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
I also swam with a shark...but that is another tale for another time...


message 9: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller | 4362 comments lol...I've swam with dolphins! And jellyfish!


message 10: by [deleted user] (new)

hey al ... LOVE your title!


message 11: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
Swimming with dolphins fun...swimming with jellyfish....Not So Much!


message 12: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments Paige aka Tink wrote: "conn?

Conn is an irish name...u like it?




message 13: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments AVoiceInTheDarkness wrote: "hey al ... LOVE your title!"

i played around with a few titles but "touching butterfly wings" fits the mood of the story.



message 14: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments The setting sun mud waters the sky and all below gaze up . The headstone ,black marble plinth like and simple casts its final weakening shadow on its opening audience ,a black mass of veiled grief. There was no lowering of a wooden box by way of rope. Clay left no hand . no roses dropped into the domain of the dead. For there was no remains, to say goodbye to or cover with earth and woven wreath.

I was there ,not in official form , i have no need now for bright stiffened collars. My faith is for now buckled ,and i will tell you but not right now. There i was , standing at the back of the crowd. Out of breath children holding hands with grey faced woman of multiple ages. all in all a well run mass. I talked and shuck many hands after the funneral, i didnt have the will to do more, i regretted that feeling i still do.

On a far off shore men in ill fitting uniforms hunt with soviet rifles. Faces gaunt and dark, will not there own in a rebel band. Military gear not made to last this long is cleverly mended and stiched around young boys and young men from every lost tribe swollowed up and crushed under the cog of industry.
Fr Buckley is told to sit down infront of a pc monitor. His eyes widen and well with salted tears. On an obscure web-site and through unknown miles of cable and airborn signal a distinct face appears on a monitor in rural ireland. Beaten eyebrow and cheak, cracked and split lips, dried in blood over thick stubled, thin and unhealthy..Conn's face looked out from the monitor . In a slow chocked voice Fr Buckly says "im here my son, stay with us ..stay with us Captain Finn.


message 15: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments Let me know what you think of it people of the www............in need of a critic!!!!!!!!




message 16: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
Hi Alan,

Putting on my reader’s hat:

Your story is beautifully written. Your writing is poetic, with a new and innovative rhythm to your words. Your tale brought me to tears, very touching.

Now. Putting on my editor’s hat:

The only critique I would have is with punctuation. Several sentences could use commas, and always remember to capitalize I. There are also a few typos.

However, the “bones” of the story are amazing. You have a wonderful way with wording a phrase. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Below are my suggestions...

The setting sun mud waters the sky and all below gaze up. The headstone, black marble, plinth like and simple, casts its final weakening shadow on its opening audience…a black mass of veiled grief. There was no lowering of a wooden box by way of rope. Clay left no hand. No roses dropped into the domain of the dead. For there was no remains to say goodbye to, or cover with earth and woven wreath.

I was there. Not in official form, I have no need now for bright, stiffened collars. My faith is for now, buckled. I will tell you but not right now.

There I was, standing at the back of the crowd. Out of breath children, holding hands with grey faced woman of multiple ages. All in all, a well run mass. I talked and shook many hands after the funeral. I didn’t have the will to do more. I regretted that feeling, I still do.


On a far off shore, men in ill-fitting uniforms hunt with soviet rifles. Faces gaunt and dark, will not there own in a rebel band. Military gear not made to last this long, is cleverly mended, Stitched around young boys and young men from every lost tribe, swallowed up and crushed under the cog of industry.

Fr Buckley is told to sit down in front of a pc monitor. His eyes widen and well with salted tears. On an obscure website, through unknown miles of cable and airborne signal, a distinct face appears on a monitor in rural Ireland. Beaten eyebrow and cheek, cracked and split lips, dried in blood over thick stubbed, thin and unhealthy…Conn’s face looked out from the monitor. In a slow chocked voice Fr Buckley says "I’m here my son, stay with us…stay with us Captain Finn.


message 17: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller | 4362 comments Love the description, Alan. Amazingly good.


message 18: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments There will be more very soon, thanks so much for the nice comments guys


message 19: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
*looks down, and frowns*

We B Not guys ;]


message 20: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller | 4362 comments *checks*

Yup, I'm definitely a girl. =)


message 21: by T.O.L.I. (new)

T.O.L.I. (taleoflostink) | 1367 comments i guy...


message 22: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments sorry ,in ireland "guys" is a term used for the male and female's in a group . As this is a multi national site ill use more caution in future LOL. As a matter of interest were are you fine people from?


message 23: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (last edited Feb 19, 2009 07:51AM) (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
Hi Alan,

We use "guys" in the states too. We were just teasing with you :)

We are all stateside.
I am from Upstate New York.
Tink is from California
and Toli is from the state of confusion :]


message 24: by Paige (new)

Paige Miller | 4362 comments LOL Alan, just teasing.





message 25: by Kenzie, Help feed the hungry. Donate to 30 Hour Famine! (new)

Kenzie | 1305 comments Mod
I agree, Dee. LOL


message 26: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments all yanks! brilliant! i find Americans very confusing, contradictions in almost every part of your society. Which is why so many great novels come from the states. any of you guys working on a project?


message 27: by T.O.L.I. (new)

T.O.L.I. (taleoflostink) | 1367 comments I AM FROM THE STATE OF CONFUSION! WOOT!

yesh!....lol....now really don;t think im too insane


message 28: by Andrea (new)

Andrea | 620 comments Hello Alan. I can't help but get in on the discussion. I've been getting to know these guys over the last several weeks, and they're a lot of fun :) I'm from the states too...Florida. But we in the Southeast aren't as crazy as those in other regions of the country :D

To asnwer your question, Alan, I'm currently working on a YA fantasy story.


message 29: by T.O.L.I. (new)

T.O.L.I. (taleoflostink) | 1367 comments :D


message 30: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
Hey Alan,

I am currently working on the second book in my "Sons of Avalon" series. Plus writing a modern Romeo and Juliet novel with an Arthurain twist.

I like your story. Your words are pure poetry!


message 31: by Andrea (new)

Andrea | 620 comments Dee, can't wait to read them!


message 32: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
I will put you on the short list when they come out Andrea :]


message 33: by Andrea (new)

Andrea | 620 comments OK!!!!!


message 34: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments hey Andrea, whats "YA fantasy"?


message 35: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
I am not Andrea, but I can answer that Q for you. YA is Young Adult.


message 36: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments Way to go Dee you have actually completed something,which is a big problem for me. Sons of Avalon,sounds interesting whats it about?


message 37: by Dee, Fan of the "Young Prose Society" (new)

Dee Marie (dee_marie) | 3382 comments Mod
Sons of Avalon Merlin's Prophecy starts with the birth of Merlin, and climaxes with the conception of King Arthur.

It is the story of the teen years of Merlin and Sir Lot, and their rise to power.


message 38: by Margaret (new)

Margaret | 19 comments Hi, Alan, I liked your little story a lot! It's one of those poetic pieces that makes you say "wow" and want to read it again, because the words led you on and it's over too soon... so, good job. :D



message 39: by Andrea (new)

Andrea | 620 comments Alan, "YA" = young adult...ahh, I see Dee already told you that :) Thanks Dee!

"Sons of Avalon Merlin's Prophecy" is awesome! I highly recommend it to fantasy story enthusiasts.



message 40: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments cheers margaret, ill paste the next part here asap,tell me what you think..if your not too busy


message 41: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments whats your story/project about andrea?



message 42: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments Dee thats sounds like a task and a half,plenty of room for creative freedom id imagine?


message 43: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments forgot to mention margaret,the story is the first couple of pages of a novel im trying to finish


message 44: by Andrea (new)

Andrea | 620 comments A group of people being sent on a quest to kill the evil prince destroying their world.

I love fantasy stories (i.e. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, King Arthur, The Seeker, etc.) and thought I'd give one a try myself.


message 45: by T.O.L.I. (new)

T.O.L.I. (taleoflostink) | 1367 comments hi alan! enjoy this group


message 46: by Alan (new)

Alan | 16 comments thats great.i am a big lotr fan. its tough to pull off fantasy..


message 47: by Andrea (new)

Andrea | 620 comments yes, I need to keep doing research as I go. I know, I should do the research first ;) But I'm having fun :D


message 48: by Veronica, Bigfoot makes an excellent character (new)

Veronica (v_a_b) | 727 comments Mod
Hello...? *hears echo*

Oh. It's empty in here. :(

But I can say that my project right now is script frenzy... and I'm also a girl. :)


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