David Estes Fans and YA Book Lovers Unite! discussion
Archive's
>
Jokes
Mod
This one is for you.
Three guys are sitting at a bar.
#1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."
#2: "What do you do for a living?"
#1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?
#2: "I should clear $60,000 this year."
#1: "What do you do?"
#2: "I'm an architect."
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.
#2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"
#3: "I guess about $13,000."
#1: "Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?"
LOLOLOLOL
Mod
A writer comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
I'm so glad I found this list!! Very helpful!!How to Write Good
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
I promisedmyself no writer jokes but i saw this one and... A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Karla(Book Addict) wrote: "I promisedmyself no writer jokes but i saw this one and... A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter...."
LOLOLOL excellent!!
They don't just have to be writer jokes. I justs thought those were funny. I have lots others, don't worry! LOL
Mod
*laughed so hard she almost peed herself* xD
Sherri wrote: "*laughed so hard she almost peed herself* xD"Thanks for the visual!! LOL
Why did the chicken cross the road?To get to the other side.
You know you chuckled!! ;-}
Mod
Dvora (Mrs. Cullen Grey) wrote: "I'm so glad I found this list!! Very helpful!!Rofl, that list is really great!
Lolita wrote: "Dvora (Mrs. Cullen Grey) wrote: "I'm so glad I found this list!! Very helpful!!Rofl, that list is really great!"
aint it! LOL
Click on the link below. When the guy stops running place your pointer above his head. It's freaky cool. :)http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakke...
Dvora (Mrs. Cullen Grey) wrote: "Click on the link below. When the guy stops running place your pointer above his head. It's freaky cool. :)http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakke..."
That's funny. I thought it was going to be something scary but then just saw an ordinary guy, and yet I still jumped at the sound.
Kelly wrote: "Dvora (Mrs. Cullen Grey) wrote: "Click on the link below. When the guy stops running place your pointer above his head. It's freaky cool. :)http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakke..."
That's fu..."
I totally didn't want to do it because I thought it would be scary too. LOL I admit I also jumped a wee bit. LOL
Do I need to keep jokes PG-13?
Alana (aka ◘Whiplash◘) wrote: "Do I need to keep jokes PG-13?"Not if you ask me they don't. You might not want to make David blush though. LOLOL
well.. this is not a blush joke.It's kinda icky...
and I got another, but it has a 'bad' word
Alana (aka ◘Whiplash◘) wrote: "well.. this is not a blush joke.It's kinda icky..."
Go for it.
This was a Facebook status update for my oldest best friend (all the way back from Jr. High)"drake and i were just at the hardware store, in the hose/tubing section, when i noticed a weird knifey, blade thing sitting on the shelf.
me: what is that thing?
drake: it's for cutting hose.
me: i prefer to call them bitches."
and the icky one...So, two guys went out hunting before dawn. One guy leaves the deer stand, promises he'll be right back. Well, nearly an hour goes by, he's made his first kill and his friend still hasn't come back. He went looking, and found his friend had fallen asleep in the middle of taking a dump in the forest. So he thinks he'll play a joke on him- and he needs to clean the deer anyway. So he takes all the intestines of the dead deer and puts it behind his friend like it came out in his poo.
He puts away the deer meat, and heads back to the stand chuckling to himself.
30 minutes later, his friend- white as a sheet and having trouble walking comes back-
"Everything come out OK?"
"I don't know what happened, somehow I must have pushed so hard, my insides came out... but with the help of a sharp stick, I got them all back in there."
Oh my goodness Alana. The first joke is just hilarious. LolI have to admit I laughed at the second one too, but it was icky. LOL
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven."You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
I know, right? I loved that one, lmao!
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.
The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.
Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address
In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.
She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.
The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:
To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
An elderly man was sitting down next to a gravestone crying out, oh why, why did you die?! Oh why, why did you die?!There was a man that was standing by and couldn't help but watch this poor elderly man. He wanted to comfort him so he walked over to where he was sitting.
He said to him: "Excuse me sir, you must have loved this person very much, I can feel your grief."
The elderly man looks up at him and says: "I never met this person once in my life. Oh why, why did you die?! Oh why, why did you die?!"
The gentleman stares at him confused. "Excuse me sir, for someone you have never met, you seem to be very upset that they are no longer with us. May I ask who this person was?"
"My wife's first husband! Oh why, why did you die?!"
LOLOLOLOL
*****Just a warning, next joke has some "bad words"*****
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
LOL Terri that is too funny. Did you tell mom that one?
No, dad keeps taking his naps in the living room so i have to be quiet and you know how long it would take her to read that lol!
Terri wrote: "No, dad keeps taking his naps in the living room so i have to be quiet and you know how long it would take her to read that lol!"LOL Maybe you should read it to her. Lol She would get a kick out of it. I have a bit of running around to do Thurs. After we go to lunch and the bookstore. Want to hang out with me?
Tina wrote: "Terri wrote: "No, dad keeps taking his naps in the living room so i have to be quiet and you know how long it would take her to read that lol!"LOL Maybe you should read it to her. Lol She wou..."
I wanna hang out too!! Btw, LOVED that joke.
Dvora (Mrs. Cullen Grey) wrote: "Tina wrote: "Terri wrote: "No, dad keeps taking his naps in the living room so i have to be quiet and you know how long it would take her to read that lol!"LOL Maybe you should read it to her. ..."
I wish you lived closer. We would definitely hang out, listen to DD and talk about hot guys from our books. LOL Now I sound like a teenager getting ready for a slumber party. LOL Oh yeah we could dance with my dance central on my xbox 360. Woo hoo
@ Tina sure, I don't think I have anything better to do than be on here and read anyway lol@Dvora you're more than welcome to join us!
OH Lord Tina! You are always gonna be crazy and goofy, but luckily its what makes you so darn loveable!
I'm giving you my biggest smile and batting my eyes. You are such a sweet sister. Hugs to you and Dvora too of course. ;)
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”