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message 1: by L.A. (new)

L.A. Hilden (lahilden) | 106 comments Hello, I recently received the edited copy of book two in my time travel series. I wanted to ask some writers and readers which paragraph they prefer over the two below.

This has to be some kind of joke. Desirea Leighton crossed her arms over her chest. She was furious about the photo-shoot in London, which had taken her manager months to set up. She vowed that her agent would find himself short one client when this fiasco was finished. She had only one word for this set, the photography equipment heaped in front of a pile of beach sand in the main room of this tavern called the Back Room. Ridiculous! When they brought the extra model our from the back, Desirea did not even try to hide her contempt.

OR

This had to be some kind of joke. Desirea Leighton crossed her arms over her chest. She was furious with the photo-shoot in London, England, which had taken her manager months to set up. Her agent was going to find himself short one client when she finished with him. She stood in the middle of a tavern called the Back Room, surrounded by photography equipment set up in front of a pile of beach sand in the tavern's main room. Ridiculous! When they brought the extra model out from the back, Desirea thought she'd blow her top.


message 2: by Cheryl (new)

Cheryl Landmark (clandmark) | 242 comments I think I like the second paragraph better, L.A. It seems to flow a little easier while, at the same time, still managing to convey your character's contempt for the situation.


message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

Hello L.A

I prefer the 2nd option, it is easier to read.

Though I don't see how anyone can be 'furious with a photo-shoot' - surely - 'furious about the photo-shoot'

Hope this helps.

Jean
www.jeanmead.com


message 4: by L. (new)

L. Gibbs (ldgibbs) L.A.,
The second does read smoother,and it focuses more on the issue and leaves out distractions. But the last line "she'd blow her top" is a bit cliche. What would she really do? (could be used to add characterization) or come up with a more original metaphor.
Elldee


message 5: by Becky (new)

Becky | 14 comments 2nd


message 6: by L.A. (new)

L.A. Hilden (lahilden) | 106 comments Wow, thanks everyone that really helps me. I meant to change the "with" to "about" in the second para but forgot, so thank you for seeing that, Jean. My editor rewrote my paragraph and changed it to the first version you read, which I thought sounded choppy, and so I had to ask. I hate second guessing my editor, but if it doesn't sound right to me, it makes me crazy. I do believe he took out the last line because Elldee is right and it is a cliche. I guess I will have to do away with it. Since my heroine is from the 21st century and ends up in Regency England I added the cliche to give it a modern slang feel, but it must go. Thank you sooo much.


message 7: by Missy (new)

Missy LaRae (missylarae) | 15 comments 2nd.


message 8: by L. (new)

L. Gibbs (ldgibbs) L.A.,
If you want that cliche because it sets her time period as opposed to the time period she is in, have her say it aloud.
Trust your instincts.
Elldee


message 9: by Judy (new)

Judy Olson | 15 comments Second paragraph..flowed more smoothly and definitely more readable.


message 10: by L.A. (new)

L.A. Hilden (lahilden) | 106 comments I think I'll leave it out, Elldee. In the next paragraph, Desirea becomes quite vocal in her anger. She hasn't traveled back in time yet so the reader will know they're in modern day. I believe my paragraph is more telling, while my editor's is showing, which is usually great, but it just didn't fit here. I went with a combination of the two, using his last line instead of the cliche and it works. :)


message 11: by Jaye (new)

Jaye Frances | 133 comments I prefer the 2nd one, but I stumbled on the word "England". Might consider taking it out, assuming most everyone knows where London is . . .


message 12: by L.A. (new)

L.A. Hilden (lahilden) | 106 comments Thanks, Jaye, I agree and I did take that out. The para. now reads like this: The first line is Italicized and so is the word ridiculous.

This has to be some kind of joke. Desirea Leighton crossed her arms over her chest. She was furious about the photo-shoot in London, which had taken her manager months to set up. She vowed that her agent would find himself short one client when she finished with him. She stood in the middle of a tavern called the Back Room, surrounded by photography equipment set up in front of the pile of beach sand in the tavern’s main room. Ridiculous! When they brought the extra model out from the back, Desirea did not even try to hide her contempt.


message 13: by L. (new)

L. Gibbs (ldgibbs) L.A.
Nice rewrite.
Elldee


message 14: by L.A. (new)

L.A. Hilden (lahilden) | 106 comments Thanks Elldee!


message 15: by Terry (new)

Terry Tyler (terrytyler) | 93 comments A cross between the two. The second is better, but take out the 'England', unless its ironic. Is it? Whole thing needs bringing together the best bits of the two of them and leaving out the clumsy bits like 'thought she'd blow her top'. I wonder why you've chosen this particular paragraph?


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