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Critique Group > Livvy's Writing

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message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
Here's a link to a short story I wrote for a creative writing class I took.
I'm open to any type of feedback-good or bad.


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
Also, here's a poem I wrote about my baby sister:)


message 3: by Grace, Head Moderator (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) | 896 comments Mod
Alright, I read them both and here are my comments (sorry, I can be blunt. But I believe saying what you don't like helps the writer :))

Little Red Riding Hood
My day is totally ruined. It started out awesome. Ok, in my opinion, this is not how you want to start out a story. It doesn't catch reader's attention at all and seems very choppy and amateurish.
...and in return I'd get to eat all the candy I want and got to hear... That would be wanted because the rest of the sentence is in past tense. (My mom's an English teacher)
Wolf's answer was to drink a glass of what I hope was cranberry juice, to wash me down into his stomach. I think this is a good sentence.
"No it's just my work-out suit." she said. Haha!
...Nana woukd probably be prooved right. *would and *proved
...I heard a lot of comotion going on outside, and not a minute later a ax... *commotion and *an (before ax)
All in all, it was cute but needs a lot of revision. I did like it though. It was quick and easy to read :)

Josephine
I star singing... *start
Very, very sweet poem. I loved it :)

Keep writing, because the more you write, the better you get at it! :D


message 4: by [deleted user] (new)

As I said, I take all critcism, and I actually like the blunt one's the best because they point out what I need to fix and what I did wrong. So thank you:)


message 5: by Grace, Head Moderator (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) | 896 comments Mod
I'm the exact same way. So you're welcome :)


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

I'll make sure to take a look at your stories, Livvy. I'll probably get blunt too:P I'm a complete and utter perfectionist.


message 7: by Grace, Head Moderator (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) | 896 comments Mod
Hey, those are the best kind of people to critique :) I look forward to hearing what you have to say about my writing, also, Ashlyn


message 8: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 11, 2012 01:51PM) (new)

Yes, I'm actually reading your story, The Symptom, right now on a different tab. I left some likes and comments for ya ;)


message 9: by Grace, Head Moderator (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) | 896 comments Mod
Thank you very much :) I like lots of comments and lots of detailed critiques :)


message 10: by [deleted user] (new)

Here's the link to the story I wrote for our group's first writng contest:
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...


message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

Hiding.

I AM...hiding
I WONDER...what they'd think if they knew
I HEAR...their whispers
I SEE...their nasty looks
I AM...hiding.

I PRETEND...I'm someone else
I FEEL...fake
I TOUCH...my diary
I CRY...at night
I AM...hiding.

I UNDERSTAND...everyone, and no one
I SAY..."can you tell?"
I DREAM...of being myself
I TRY...to blend in
I HOPE...one day you'll see
I AM...hiding.


message 12: by Emily (new)

Emily Livvy [who dances in the rain] wrote: "Hiding.

I AM...hiding
I WONDER...what they'd think if they knew
I HEAR...their whispers
I SEE...their nasty looks
I AM...hiding.

I PRETEND...I'm someone else
I FEEL...fake
I TOUCH...my diary
I CR..."


That is really good, Livvy! :)


message 13: by [deleted user] (new)

Thanks Emily:)


message 14: by Emily (new)

Emily You're very welcome :)


message 15: by [deleted user] (last edited Jul 28, 2012 07:40AM) (new)

Here's a short-story I wrote for the 4'th competion.

Little red Riding-Hood (revised), by Livvy D.
My day was fine until a wolf ate me. I think I'm getting ahead of myself, so let me back up.
My day started with Nana getting sick and Mom pulling me out of school to bring her a few meals. In return I'd get to eat all the candy I wanted and got to hear a few of Nana's stories.
But, nnnnoooo, that awful Wolf had to ruin it all.
He ate Nana before I got to her house, and then pretended to be her. The whole "My Nana, what big ears you have!" thing was kind of a dead give-away, but staying up till three in the morning hadn't worked in my favor.
"If I'd just brought my glasses I wouldn't be in this situation."
I mumbled. By this situation, I meant being swallowed whole.
I was covered in Wolf's slobber and his throat kept contracting around me. I started pounding on the "walls."
"Will you quit it?! It's cramped enough in here!" I yelled.
Wolf's answer was to drink a glass of what I hoped was cranberry juice, to wash me down into his stomach. It was slimy, and smelly, and warm, and all together gross. Plus the stomach acid stung.
I landed on top of something squishy and red. When I picked it up I realized, to my horror, that it was a heart. I started frantically screaming and pounding on his stomach.
"It's just a dear heart, Red." I jumped, and made out the plump form of Nana sitting in the corner, bathed in red liquid.
"It's still a HEART! Wait, why are you covered in blood? Did he bite you?!" I asked, crawling over. "No it's just my work-out suit." she said. Oh yeah...zipper down the front, seams up the sides. One heck of a work-out suit though.
"Speaking of which, do you like it?"
"No." I said bluntly. Mom always said it wasn't right to lie to old people.
"Humph. No need to get snapish little lady. With your hideous sweatshirt, you're not one to talk." Nana said, pointing at the hoodie I was wearing.
Originally, it had been bright red, but now it was faded, there were a few minor holes in it, and it didn't fit all that well.
It still had lasted pretty well for a eight-year-old sweatshirt.
I wrapped my arms around it protectively.
"Will you get rid of it now that it's covered in saliva and blood?" she asked. "No! I'll wear it till the day I die!"
"Well if that's the case, then that'll be gone before the day's over." Nana said, glumly.
"Oh, real positive outlook on life, Nana." I said.
Though she did have a point. With the way things were going, and how much the stomach acid was burning, Nana would probably be proved right by midnight. So there I was, sitting in the bottom of a wolf's stomach, acid burning my arms and legs, covered in slobber, preparing to die.
Oh, I was just peachy.
I remembered I was supposed to go to the fair with my friends this weekend and ride the ferris wheel. That would never happen.
Then I heard a lot of commotion going on outside, and not a minute later an ax cut through the stomach, a foot away from my face.
I saw the grinning face of my Uncle Woody peering through the gap. "Are you trying to kill me?!" I shrieked.
Nana laughed and Uncle Woody grunted.
After climbing out, I realized that Wolf was asleep. "How'd he not feel anything?"
Uncle Woody mumbled something about shooting off knock-out gas. I probably stared at him for a whole minute without blinking or looking away.
"Here, Red." Nana said, tossing me a rock.
"What's this for?" I asked.
"Filling his stomach with." Uncle Woody said.
Oh, ew.


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