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message 1: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 13, 2012 02:10PM) (new)

Hey guys! Here's the description to my first completed story:

Begonialasia. A world unlike ours. A world where magic is the core of everything you see and feel, where the connection with nature is deeper than you could comprehend. The beings that reside there are more advanced than us Earth beings. They all have an Element of which they use like a power: Fire, Air, Crystal, Water, Earth or Electricity. The land was a supernatural world undiscovered by those of Earth...until her.

Well, 15-year-old Elaina isn't really an Earthling. She thought she was; she'd lived there for her whole life, after all. But, when she meets a peculiar girl that claims Ellie is a "Begonialasian", her whole life turns around.

This Story is Copyright Protected-Ashlyn's Begonialasia © Goodreads 2011-2012. All rights reserved. Do not copy


To those who it may concern:

Begonialasia is going through a process of editing. The words you see in the book are those of the draft. I won't be changing a lot, but I will be editing some. I you have some constructive critisicm or are confused, let me know so I can fix it, but it will not be changed on Goodreads.


I SUUUUUPER appreciate constructive criticism. I'll be sending this story off to the editor soon, and I want to fix it up as best I can! So, leave you comments (and your likes) and you'll make me very happy :3 Although, if you've read the message above you know you will not see it be changed on Goodreads.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

And here's a link to the website, which contains pictures of the characters, the map and descriptions of the Elements and Breeds: http://begonialasianovel.webs.com/


message 2: by [deleted user] (new)

It sounds cool:)


message 3: by Grace, Head Moderator (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) | 896 comments Mod
Seems interesting. My only thing is that I don't like the name Begonialasia. I mean, how do we know how to pronounce that?


message 4: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 11, 2012 01:27PM) (new)

Well, the name (similar to the setting the story takes place in) originally came from a game of pretend I played when I was little, so I felt obligated to keep it. I forgot to add it in this description, but there IS a pronunciation in the story description, if you click the link. It's like the flower, a begonia, and the place, Asia, with an L stuck between the two. Beg-own-yal-eh-zyuh. In the published copy the pronunciation would be in the first few pages, because that's important (it's the title, after all).


message 5: by Grace, Head Moderator (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) | 896 comments Mod
Haha ok that makes more sense...


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

Heh, yeah. Like none of my friends could pronounce it when we talked about it, except for the friend who made up the name with me. So I put in the pronunciation for the convenience of...everyone.


message 7: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 23, 2012 02:58PM) (new)

Entry for the first contest. Aside from the abundance of purple prose, whaddya think?

Trespasser
538 words

I shiver, fingers of ice skittering up my spine.

But, it’s not cold out.

In fact, the heat is on the brink of boiling my skin.

It’s the fear. The fear what is cloaking me in cold.

You are probably wondering why my shoulders shake, why my eyes are round enough that their circumference is measurable. Why my knees want to buckle. Why I want to run, but if I do, I’ll die.

Well, I’ll make it blunt--there’s a tiger directly in front of me looking hungry as ever.

What was I thinking, chasing down a monkey like that? Just wandering astray, away from the rest of the group. I’m only an novice zoologist. I’ve never been here before. And now I’m in a tiger‘s territory, thanks to my poor judgement.

My tongue goes dry. A sense of confinement blankets me, suffocating any sensible thoughts that could emerge from the turmoil inside my skull.

The tiger releases a low, ominous growl. My heart goes on hyper drive, and mist grows on the edges of my sight.

One thought ends up coming through. The clear voice of my subconscious says calmly, You’re going to be killed, Alice.

The tiger pads forward gradually. Each step it makes is menacing. Every time its paw touches the ground, it makes a thundering sound.

It advances until it’s about a meter away from me. The warm orange of its fur dazzles in the extreme sunrays piercing everything in their reach. Its eyes are liquid gold. It’s beautiful. I’m going to be murdered by beauty.

Ideas make themselves known for brief seconds in my brain-cyclone. Run? No. That’s suicide. Hold out my hand? No. What would that do? Surrender and drop to the ground, and let myself be torn apart?

Everything suddenly sharpens, details, as if these last moments of life are to be feasted on by the senses. The leaves rustle above me in the wind. The cotton of my pants is soft beneath my fingers. Sweat from my forehead is unpleasant in my mouth. Is this how everyone feels right before they die? Do they savour their last moments of existence like I am now?

The tiger comes even closer. Right now, I’m giving up. I shrink into a ball inside of myself. Now, I just want it over with. This gripping terror is likely worse than the feeling of the sharp teeth that will soon slice through me.

The tiger gives me a sniff. It looks at me for a few seconds. The hunger suddenly fades from its eyes, and a look of deep solitude remains.

It meets my eyes. My heart wants to explode.

Then, it turns around, all anger with my intrusion of its territory gone. I’ll let you off this time, it seems to say as it glances back at me, one last time, before sinking into the cascade of ferns it calls home.

Well, Alice. I guess I was wrong, my subconscious admits.

I’m not sure what to feel. My emotions are ricocheting inside me as I try to comprehend what just happened. I can’t seem to sort it out, so instead I pass out, on the spot, hoping my group will come find my shock-ridden body.


message 8: by [deleted user] (new)

I like it, Ashlyn. You thought of something different from everyone else's submissions, including mine. *Aplause, aplause*


message 9: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 12, 2012 01:12PM) (new)

Merci:)


message 10: by Madi (new)

Madi | 48 comments Bravo


message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

Oh my goodness. I forgot to put a link in my Begonialasia description. *stupid, stupid,stupid**headdesk* Anyways, I'm putting it in now.


message 12: by [deleted user] (new)

And I also included a link to the Begonialasia website!


message 13: by Gabby (new)

Gabby | 37 comments ooh fancy schmancy! hehe


message 14: by [deleted user] (new)

I took Begonialasia down (click on the link and you'll see why). But you'll find the sequel in my writing that you can read. I forewarn you, it will make little sense if you haven't read the first book. But you could still try to critique it ;)


message 15: by Mara (new)

Mara Daisy | 37 comments Ashlyn wrote: "Well, the name (similar to the setting the story takes place in) originally came from a game of pretend I played when I was little, so I felt obligated to keep it. I forgot to add it in this descri..."

Um Ashlyn? That was only two years ago. You weren't that little. And also, part of the name came from the flower so it kinda helps you pronounce it :)


message 16: by [deleted user] (new)

I played the game for a long time before it had a name.


message 17: by Mara (new)

Mara Daisy | 37 comments Oooooh ok. Sure. But you still can't really say you were little two years ago.


message 18: by [deleted user] (new)

Pfft. Yeah, I guess. It went from, like, age 7 or 8 to 10. But not when I was 11. So that would make it three years ago.


message 19: by Mara (new)

Mara Daisy | 37 comments No because you aren't 13 yet


message 20: by [deleted user] (new)

It's less than a month away, Mara. It's not like I stopped playing right on my birthday:P


message 21: by Mara (new)

Mara Daisy | 37 comments It's ok Ashlyn, no need to be defensive! I was pretending that game with you! Remember? I was there ;)


message 22: by Mara (new)

Mara Daisy | 37 comments And I was 11!


message 23: by [deleted user] (new)

Yeah yeah, I know. And I also teach some of the kids I babysit the game so that I can play it and keep some of my dignity. So I'm not saying that it's been really long.


message 24: by [deleted user] (new)

Mara wrote: "And I was 11!"

Are you saying that because your birthday is first?


message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

*shakes head* Girls, girls:)

P.S.You never fully explained how you played the game and I babysit a lot of little kids, so something new to occupy them would be apreciated.


message 26: by Mara (last edited Jun 17, 2012 04:04PM) (new)

Mara Daisy | 37 comments Just using your imagination mostly. Pretend adventures, saving various creatures and people, etc.


message 27: by [deleted user] (new)

Yeah, exactly. Except I tell them about Begonialasia (it's hard to pronounce so two girls I knew just called it Imaginary Land or Magic Land) and we pretend we're there and do magic and stuff.


message 28: by [deleted user] (last edited Jun 26, 2012 03:42PM) (new)

Entry for second contest. It's a little sad, but please tell me what your thoughts are!

Oasis
992 words

Bombs blasted to torturous life all around me. Smoke billowed from the disaster, suffocating all in its way. Threatening to swallow me up were colossal flames. I was trapped in a whirlwind of panic, dizzied by the screams and wails of my fellow villagers and horrified by the fires that danced ominously closer to my body.

Overhead, attacker planes dropped more explosives. Gunshots ate up all the noises but the bursting bombs and the shrieks.

These enemies destroying my town were humans. And those in my town—we were fairies.

Us fairies have lived on the planet for ages. No, not as long as the humans, but for a good few hundred years. We live in tribes, all over the planet, but more commonly in Europe. That’s where my tribe lived, until recently. We resided in a forest within Ireland until two years ago, when it was obliterated in order to create more homes for the humans. We could have gone somewhere else in Ireland, but our tribe leader, the daft little man, said we needed a change. So we came here, took to the sky and journeyed over the ocean to this forest in Wisconsin, the United States. It truly is the best place we could live. Though it was a wild decision to venture here, I grew to love it. Home, my happy Wisconsin wood.

And was it ever a change. Little did our leader know that fairies were despised here. These American people did simply not tolerate them. Too mischievous, too much trouble in their eyes. We were told to leave. We didn’t. Our tribe hadn’t done a thing to the humans, as we’d argued. They didn’t care. They told us to leave again. And again, we didn’t.

Then, alas, they decided to force us out. They came to the forest, weapons ready. We didn't stand a chance.

That is what was going on now.

I clapped my hands over my pointed ears and squinted my eyes shut to block out another explosion. This was too much. Fairies were dying in the village, not too far away from me, and I had not the ability to rescue them.

Where was my sister, Iris? Where were mother and father? Where was my best friend, Hazel?

Where was I?

I cracked open my light grey eyes and searched, ignoring the pain in the veins of my singed wing as best I could. There was a ring of fire encircling me. I was in a field of sorts, alone. There were no trees near. How was I going to get out? I couldn’t fly. I couldn’t run. I couldn't hide.

A bullet grazed my head, picking up curls of indigo hair and flinging them forward. Adrenaline pulsed through my body. Escape, Lotus, I told myself. Get out of here now.

I picked my way through the debris, hesitantly removing my hands from my ears. It hurt to beat my wings. The frost on the grass was melting in the heat of the flames.

Another bullet barely missed my nose, planting itself in the ground between my numbing feet. My heart excelled in speed. I suddenly felt targeted, eyes burning holes in my back. From above, they were going to shoot again.

I took a few steps back, counted to three, and ran. I sprung. I flapped my wings violently. Ouch. It was agonizing.

I was able to bring myself over the fire, erratic, but far enough that I only charred the ends of some of my long hair. I alighted on the wintry ground, and didn’t look back. I ran.

And ran.

And ran.

The noises were fading behind me. The hungry eyes were no longer on my back. I knew where I was going. I knew where I could hide.

And then I tripped.

I stumbled over my cloak and hit the ground, hard, on my face. Snow gave a burning sensation to my cheeks that was nowhere near the same as the fire.

I lifted my eyes and examined the setting, drinking in every detail as fast as possible. I was out of the clearing, but not the trees around it.

I heaved myself upright and continued. I didn’t dare stop until I reached the Oasis.

The atmosphere here was so much different. The Oasis—the place where our tribe held meetings or went to meditate, on the exact edge of our miniscule territory. There were boulders that guarded the trunk of a single, skinny tree that swooped elegantly over the semi-frozen river on the left. Frost, twinkling in the daylight, was dusted over the ground and rocks.

I blanketed myself in shadows and watched the skies for danger. A single boat sat, lonely, next to the Oasis tree. But that’s not what I went for. Instead, I darted to the boulders and slithered under one, escaping to a hard and icy hideout.

My translucent wings crumpled into my back to allow myself more room. I felt teardrops flood from their tips as it hit me. I was alone. The tribe would be all killed soon. It would be a miracle if anyone else got away. How lucky I had been to be going for a walk near the Oasis when the humans had come. If I’d been in the village, right now I’d be dead.

Mother and father and Iris were in the village. So were Hazel and her family, and the boy I favoured, Riverr. They were gone. I knew it.

I crumpled myself into a ball, the left half of me pressed to the boulder and the right squashed into the dirt. The tears poured fluidly from my wings, and I pressed my hands to my face to block out the fractions of sunrays that still found their way in here. I moaned. Now I had no one, nowhere but the Oasis and nothing but the boat. Though I was the only one alive, I too was destroyed.


message 29: by Mara (new)

Mara Daisy | 37 comments So sad but cool ;)


message 30: by [deleted user] (new)

Thanks


message 31: by Emily (new)

Emily Good job on Oasis, Ashlyn! It's really descriptive and interesting.


message 32: by [deleted user] (new)

Thank you muchly;)


ϮAʛʛⅇℛʊℵʛ {Supernatural Freak} (taggerung) | 174 comments Oasis is great Ashyln :)


message 34: by [deleted user] (last edited Jul 16, 2012 01:28PM) (new)

Say hello to my third contest entry. Horror stories are so much fun:). (Oh, and after you say hello tell me your thoughts).

Shhh
653 words

A flash of rage, and her fist flew out in the direction of her brother.

Just in time, he dodged, and his furious older sister planted her hand through the wall of her bedroom.

“Oliver! God, seriously!” Sister, Eve, wrenched her fist out of her wall and whirled around to her brother. She felt her face burn. “Don’t steal my stuff like that! Especially my iPad! You could’ve broken it!”

Oliver’s eyes wafted to the hole in the wall, and he snickered a little. “Look who‘s talking.”

She pointed to the opening. “That’s your fault too! Now get out of my room before I put a hole in your head!”

The fourteen-year-old brother scurried away from Eve empty-handed.

She sighed, anger making her weary, and looked back to the hole in the wall. Maybe she did need to go to anger management.

Or maybe Oliver should just go away. Forever.

Deftly, Eve poked her long fingers through the hole, hooked them on the sides and brought her face forward. Her nails drifted along the ragged edges, and she peered in.

Black. All black, swallowing up details and letting only noises remain.

“How am I going to fix this?” In an instant, Eve had her bedroom door shut and she was collapsing onto her four-poster bed. Her legs dangled over the edge as she stared up at the water-stained ceiling, waiting for answers to fall from it. Though she was nearing the age of eighteen, she hadn’t a clue how to fix a hole in the wall.

“I could just tape a picture over it…”

Shhh.

Eve sat up, eyes narrowed and senses alert. “Oliver, get out,” she mumbled.

Shhhh.

“Oliver?”

Shhhhlip.

Eve flew to the hole in her wall and shoved her ear into it.

Shhhlll…

Was that…slithering?

Eve’s face twisted up and she wondered. Wondered, what. Indeed she knew hardly a thing about houses, and hers was ancient and sideways, but a sense of wrongness hung in the air. Yes. Something was undeniably wrong.

Shhhhh.

She jerked her head away and glared at the hole.

Shhhhlip.

It was getting louder.

Shhhh…

Eve had no time to scream.

Cables poured out from the hole, struggling, fighting with each other to be out first. Segmented with translucent black cup-shapes, they slid against one another, that dreaded shhlip sound loud as ever when they did. The could be called cords, but no, they were live. Feelers. Tentacles.

They were increasing.

Eve stumbled to her door, feet sliding out, terror firing through her. What were they? Why were they in the walls of her house?

She got to her door, reached for the knob, but one of the tentacles got there first. Next she went for her windows, but the tentacles had arrived there too, creeping up the glass like vines. Eve watched in horror as they snaked under her comforter and up her walls. They didn’t stop coming from the hole.

One brushed her ankle, and she staggered backwards. Eve kept on staggering until she was in the darkness of her closet.

She slammed the door shut and buried herself in clothes.



Shhh.

The doorknob twisted from the outside, click, and the door to the closet swung open.

There was nowhere to run now.

Eve felt the tentacles slip up her legs, around her torso, and squeeze. This time, she did scream.

“Oliver!! Mom!! Dad!!”

Her arms were fastened to her sides and she was brought out from the closet. Held in the air, she watched her room, her door, her everything being shattered by black lines. The tentacles headed for her neck, and then encased her head.

“Help--”

Her last word was muffled as a tentacle pried her mouth open, and another skidded down her throat.

Eve’s world went blank.

Later, she’d wake up.

And her body would be filled with them.

They would control her every move.

It would not end well.


message 35: by Emily (new)

Emily Wow! That was good!!


message 36: by [deleted user] (new)

Thanks:) I'm starting to write creepier things now. It's fun. Please enter the third contest too Emily, your stories are fantastic.


message 37: by [deleted user] (new)

Oh wait! You just did.


message 38: by Emily (last edited Jul 16, 2012 01:36PM) (new)

Emily It is fun writing creepy things!


message 39: by [deleted user] (last edited Jul 16, 2012 03:04PM) (new)

Errgh...it's so small.
But I had to post it.
Because I love it.
The official cover for the first book in my series!



Bigger: http://www.goodreads.com/photo/user/4...

Thank you, Mom. You are amazing.


message 40: by Grace, Head Moderator (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) | 896 comments Mod
Congrats!


message 41: by [deleted user] (new)

Congrats?


message 42: by Grace, Head Moderator (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) | 896 comments Mod
Congratulations. Like, you have your official cover made!


message 43: by [deleted user] (new)

Ooooooh. Got it. Thankyoou:)


message 44: by Grace, Head Moderator (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) | 896 comments Mod
No problem :)


message 45: by [deleted user] (new)

So Ashlyn, is your booking actually gonna get published? Amazon publishes people's books all the time. I"m gonna send one in (whenever I actually finish writing the book).


message 46: by [deleted user] (new)

Yup, I am getting it published, as an ebook cuz that's cheaper. I'll be sending it to an editor, I'm hoping this August. She'll give me a one-to-two page review for 100 dollars (normally it would be 200 dollars, but i get a discount because my mom does stuff for them).


message 47: by Emily (new)

Emily Ashlyn wrote: "Yup, I am getting it published, as an ebook cuz that's cheaper. I'll be sending it to an editor, I'm hoping this August. She'll give me a one-to-two page review for 100 dollars (normally it would b..."

That's awesome!


message 48: by [deleted user] (new)

Indeed


message 49: by [deleted user] (new)

So cool, Ashlynn Ashlyn (couldn't resist:)! I'm totally gonna read it when it comes out.


message 50: by [deleted user] (new)

Yay! Thankchu!!


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