A Place Called Dreams discussion

6 views
Your Writing > Tony's Writing

Comments Showing 1-4 of 4 (4 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Tony (new)

Tony Talbot | 6 comments I wanted to write a story that came in under 500 words. This is 493...

My head snaps up.
Did I hear that?
It can't be, not here, not now. I've only just started. How can they have found me so fast?
I look around, but there is no-one in sight. The empty aisles of the supermarket dwindle away from me into darkness.
My heart accelerates, threatening to break through my ribs. Can they hear that? It's so loud. I don't know what they are capable of. I've never hung around to ask one. I value my skin too much.
Anyone could be hiding down in the endless dark aisles and I'd never see the murderous look in their eyes, never see them coming for me...until they were on top of me.
Don't panic now, don't panic. Think, think, think.
Sweat breaks out on my brow. I look behind me.
Nothing.
I glance down at the measly collection of food in the shopping cart, thinking I'll have to – There it is again!
Oh my is there more than one?
I look towards the darkened lights above me, listening, torn between leaving the food and – There must be four of five of them.
Coming for me.
That's it, I'm leaving.
I leave the cart where it is – the wheel squeaks like a mouse in heat, and they'll find me even quicker. I move away from them as quietly as I can. And I can move very silently when I want to. I float to the end of the aisle. Already the cart has faded from silver sheen to a milky grey. Another few steps and it will be as invisible as I wished I was.
I reach the end of the aisle and pause.
They're somewhere behind me. I tilt my head to listen better. Definitely four of them. Two in each aisle. They were good, keeping together. That will make it much harder.
I turn left and glide down towards the next aisle. Louder! Not good! I panic and stumble backwards. Voices from the aisle behind me, excited, anxious.
Damn, they found the cart.
I go cold. I'm running out of options. I fly back across the aisle where I left the cart, feel a flashlight stab towards me. More shouts. They're getting warm.
This is getting serious. Very serious.
Then a sound which stops me dead. I hear a high power hum from above me. A flicker burns my eyes and I blink away tears.
The lights are coming on. One by one. Bank by bank. Closer and closer.
No, no, no!
I turn my head, out of options, nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide. What do I do, what do I do!
Closer, the lights come. Three aisles away. Then two.
The next aisle across.
They haven't moved from the cart yet, maybe I can...I close my eyes.
Focus.
Trans. Form.
Bat! I fly towards the exit and I'm outside in the wonderful cool night air.
It's so hard shopping when you're a vampire.


message 2: by Chloe (Girl In The Woods Reviews), Moderator (last edited Jun 11, 2012 05:42AM) (new)

Chloe (Girl In The Woods Reviews) | 467 comments Mod
Tony wrote: "I wanted to write a story that came in under 500 words. This is 493...

My head snaps up.
Did I hear that?
It can't be, not here, not now. I've only just started. How can they have found me so fast..."


Excellent tension there and tons of mysterious tenses that have caught me to read. What happens then? Who's after who? And who's the new predator? I would love to read the continuance of the story you have spun, Tony :)


message 3: by Tony (new)

Tony Talbot | 6 comments Glad you like it :-)


message 4: by Leah (new)

Leah (Eddle) | 120 comments This is amazing!


back to top