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message 1: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) I have written a short story, and I'd love critiques - both constructively negative and positive!


Inordinate


After the door shut and the footsteps died I curled in on myself and collapsed against the carpet. The tears I'd been trying to hold back gave way to the silence and soon they caked my face like a second skin. My gasping sobs tore through the chilly night air. I hugged my thin jacket closer to my body and pushed myself up by my elbow, leaning against the solid door.

How could he be gone? How could something so simple as a gunshot rip the ties that held us together?

I bit my tongue to keep from crying more. Tucking a strand of dark hair behind my ear, I struggled to my feet and wobbled across the darkly lit room in my gray stilettos. My dress snagged on one of the heels and tore a slit down the side. But I still managed to make it to the mirror on the opposite wall, resting a hand to the side of it to keep my balance.

I’d come to this room, our usual rendezvous point, about an hour earlier dressed up and ready for my secret outing with Brian. I waited and waited, barely noticing the minutes ticking on the little clock by the wide-open window. I knew he’d come.

I thought he’d come.

But that was before the man in uniform knocked on the door and told me Brian had been murdered.

How could this be happening? My sweet, sweet Brian Loffley. My protector and my lover. My dark haired knight who rode his shining steed to my rescue whenever I needed him.

One hand cupped my chin while the other stroked my wind-blown hair. Brian’s beautiful face softened as my eyes began to dampen. I couldn’t stop staring. At his eyes, at his lips, at the slight stubble on his chin. Our faces moved together by an unseen force. His lips were as soft as I’d imagined and I wrapped my arms around his neck as he kissed me for the very first time, standing on the rooftop of my mother’s apartment.

A sob racked my body and I yelled for all Heaven and Hell to hear. I yelled at Fate, at Love, at the mirror in front of me, and at the bullet that pierced Brian’s heart.

My heart.

I clenched my teeth and clawed at the lock to the side of my disheveled reflection, letting it swing open to reveal the small dagger I always kept hidden on the shelf behind the mirror in case of emergencies. I wrapped my trembling fingers around its hilt and backed away cautiously.

Brian and I were sprawled on the checkered picnic blanket in the park. My head rested in the crook of his shoulder.

Placing the sharpened point against my chest, over my heart, I whispered a vow to Brian:

“I told you I couldn’t live without you.”

“I can’t live without you, Brian.” He pushed a strand of hair away from my face and smiled at me.

“And I still can’t! I can’t bear the thought of going one more minute without hearing your voice!”

“Sure you can,” he whispered, his lips tickling my ear.

“So this is something I have to do.” I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. “I have to do this. For you, Brian.”

I nuzzled closer and he pulled me tighter against him.

“For us!”

“Never let me go?” I asked, reaching a hand to his jaw.

“I love you,” I whispered to the empty darkness. I pressed the dagger closer and watched in horror as a small stream of blood trickled down my dress.

He twined his fingers with mine. “Never.”

“Sophia!” a voice called.

My blood grew cold in my veins.

The voice was Brian’s. My Brian.

The dagger cluttered to the floor as I spun around, abandoning my attempts.

Standing on the ridge of the open window, one hand on the frame and the other outstretched, was Brian.

For a minute I just stood in the center of the room staring at him, too stunned to move.

“Sophia,” he repeated softly, leaping from the windowsill to land on the carpet with a soft thump.

My heart contracted in my chest and I ran to him without thinking. He placed his hands on my waist and spun me around in the air, just like he used to when he was alive.

When he was alive.

I quickly pushed myself away from him. “But – but you’re dead!” I pointed a shaky finger at him accusingly.

He held up his hands in surrender and the corner of his mouth tugged upward. “That doesn’t seem to be the case to me.” He tried to take a step closer but I stumbled backwards, keeping a painful but necessary distance between us.

I shook my head violently. “A police officer came to my door and told me you died. You were shot and killed. How do you plan to explain yourself?”

Brian – or the figment of my overactive imagination – sighed. It was the first glimpse he’d shown me of any sorrow he possessed.

“I’m not going to try to explain, because I don’t quite understand what happened back there myself.”

I bit the inside of my lip and tried my hardest not to falter.

“Who are you?” I croaked.

“Brian Loffley,” he declared. “Protector and lover of Sophia O’Donnell.” Seeing my unyielding expression, he tried to prove he was who he said he was, “I met you on March second at the zoo by the water park. April thirteenth I kissed you for the first time. The next day was our first date and on June twentieth we were married in the church by the stream, meeting in the dead of night to evade your mother.”

“You may now kiss the bride,” the priest pronounced. Brian bent to kiss me and I closed my eyes, welcoming the fireworks behind my eyelids.

My emotional wall crumbled and I fainted, waking in Brain’s strong arms. I smiled up at his shining face and stroked his stubble with the back of my hand.

“Is it really you? Or have I already killed myself and this is merely a dream before the afterlife?”

He laughed and it was the most breathtaking sound in the world.

“Never let me go?” I asked breathlessly.

“Never.”


message 2: by Glinda the Gallifreyan, We're the Voice!! (new)

Glinda the Gallifreyan | 177 comments Mod
I really like this piece. It leaves you wondering what happened, kinda.. is she dead, or was it a mistake when the cop said he was dead? And I adore the usage of interwoven memories to add another level of emotion on top. :)


message 3: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Thank you very much, deary :) haha people are always like, "is she dead? or did the cop make a mistake?" but no one guesses... there's another option! haha. "what if the cop was lying??"


message 4: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) I have now posted this story on my page and I'd rather the comments for it go there. Feedback - both negative and positive, though all constructive - is needed!!

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...


message 5: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) I posted two more pieces! The first is my book Something Else Entirely.

Fifteen year old Jade Toscano must learn how to recreate her life and her own self after she survives a crash that kills the rest of her family. Two unlikely friends - the bad boy, and the boy next door - request her acceptance of them, but Jade has to first come to terms with herself and her past. Or maybe one of them can morph her life into something else entirely.

Here's the link to that:

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

The second is the first edition in a short story series I'm writing called The Symptom, The Disease, and The Cure. This one is the Symptom. Link:

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

Please read and share the links with your friends because I need as much feedback and as many critiques as you can possibly fit into a few short pages :) Both positive AND negative comments can be made. Yes, if you hated it, TELL ME. But also tell me what you hated so I can improve my writing. That's what this is all about isn't it? So come read my writing and help me become an author! :D


message 6: by Glinda the Gallifreyan, We're the Voice!! (new)

Glinda the Gallifreyan | 177 comments Mod
Destiny wrote: "Thank you very much, deary :) haha people are always like, "is she dead? or did the cop make a mistake?" but no one guesses... there's another option! haha. "what if the cop was lying??""

Ah, very true, very true.... but that leads you to wonder why in the world the cop would be lying about his death. It's a possibility, definently, but in my eyes it doesn't seem all that likely.


message 7: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) This is my short story called The Black Cords: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

I really need it critiqued so please take a look at it! It's not very long and won't waste your time. Please tell me what I should improve! (But please put your comments under the story, not in this topic)


message 8: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Glindafied of the West wrote: "Destiny wrote: "Thank you very much, deary :) haha people are always like, "is she dead? or did the cop make a mistake?" but no one guesses... there's another option! haha. "what if the cop was lyi..."

well if the cop was lying, that would just your perspective a bit 'cause that would mean the cop is some kind of villain that for some reason wants Sophia to think Brian is dead


message 9: by Glinda the Gallifreyan, We're the Voice!! (new)

Glinda the Gallifreyan | 177 comments Mod
True, true... that's one of the great things about that piece, it's completely open to what you think happened. :)


message 10: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) :) can you please check out my story The Black Cords? The link is a few comments above


message 11: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Recently wrote a new story, different from my usual genre (in my opinion). Take a look and help me improve it! Negative criticism is welcome as long as they are constructive! http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3... (critiques on STORY please, not here)


message 12: by Grace (last edited Sep 30, 2012 07:24AM) (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) The Edge (a short story): http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3.... Please check it out and give me critiques (if you don't like it, tell me WHY so I can improve!) Comments ON THE STORY please, not here.


message 13: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Added more to my book Something Else Entirely! Go check it out, and read from the beginning if you haven't yet!

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

Tell me what you think - if you like it or hate it, and tell me why :) I want to improve, so tell me anything that might help! (Comments on story PLEASE, not here)


message 14: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) The link below is of a short prologue I wrote of a book I'm interested in writing. My plot so far has many gaps though, so I'd love for you guys to read this and comment (on the story, NOT here) with any ideas you have that might work for it.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...


message 15: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Wrote a new short story from the time of the Titanic called This Weightlessness. It's only four short chapters so I'd love for you guys to take a look and tell me what you think I can improve on! http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3... (comments ON THE STORY please, not here)


message 16: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) So I finally got around to writing a sequel to my first posted short story, Inordinate. This one's called Exorbitant (Brian's POV) and there will be a third posted later today or tomorrow called Irrevocable.

In case you missed the first one: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

Exorbitant: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

I would love reviews and suggestions on how to improve - even negative reviews are welcome! Please comment ON THE STORY, though, not here.


message 17: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) And finally, the short story trilogy is completed:

Inordinate: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

Exorbitant: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

And finally, Irrevocable: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...

Check it out and post your critiques! On the story, though, NOT here. Please and thank you :D


message 18: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Read this please! http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3... If you have a title suggestion, I've very open to them! (Comments on story please, NOT here)


message 19: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) This is a short story called Lake Mors and I'd love to get critiques on it please! http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3... (Comments on story please, NOT here)


message 20: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Read this please and give me critiques! http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3... (Comments on story please, NOT here)


message 21: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) So guys ... I wrote a Twilight parody :D (just the ending of it, though). Go read it: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3... (comments ON THE STORY, not here)


message 22: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Here are some short poems I wrote a while back: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3.... Please read and let me know what you think! (comments on the story please, not here)


message 23: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) URGENT MESSAGE: I just found my book Something Else Entirely posted on the web by someone else (here's the link: http://www.quotev.com/story/2516866/S...). Everyone please do me the biggest favor ever and go to that link and report it! It needs to be taken down as soon as possible! I repeat, this is URGENT!


message 24: by Glinda the Gallifreyan, We're the Voice!! (new)

Glinda the Gallifreyan | 177 comments Mod
Good thing that's off now! :D


message 25: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) If you need some inspiration or you just need to feel loved (whether you're Christian or not), click here: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3.... I've posted a mix of things in the devotionals I read with bits of my own thoughts. Hopefully something about one (or more) of these will bring you hope. (Comments ON the link, not here. Please and thank you)


message 26: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) I finally got around to writing another short story! Right now, it's called "Something Like Fate," but if you have any other title suggestions, let me know by commenting on it. Here's the link: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3.... I need some brutal critiques, so please post them on the story, not here to let me know how I can edit and improve this. Thank you so much!


message 27: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) I am very happy to present the first chapter to my new book, Like The Stars. I am currently working on it, but plan to be finished by June 30th. After that, I'll just take a few days to edit and then it'll all be up here. Please comment letting me know what you think, but on the story please, not here! Link: http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...


message 28: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) I posted a deleted scene from my first book, Something Else Entirely. If you wanna read it, click the link! Leave a comment on the story letting me know what you think.


message 29: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) I added the second and third chapters to Like The Stars. Please give this a quick look and comment on the story letting me know what I can improve! (Please don't comment on this topic) http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...


message 30: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Hey guys! It's been a while since I've written anything short though I have gotten four books written now, so here are two new things! Please check them out and comment on the stories please, not here.

A poem called "I am too happy to fall asleep"

and a short story in verse called A Boy Named Bailey .

Thank you guys so much! God bless!


message 31: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Another short thing, this time in the form of a letter.

Every Reason I Love You

Please let me know what you think and comment on the story please, not here. Thank you so much!


message 32: by Grace (new)

Grace (fictionaladventures) Some of you may remember my book, Something Else Entirely, that I took down a few years ago. Hopefully, you'll be happy to hear that it is back up! Happy reading! https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...


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