Random Ramblings discussion

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my story

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message 1: by Khalif (new)

Khalif John was a poor boy from a poor village. He lived in a small cottage with his father, who was a drunkart blacksmith that constantly beat poor John. When John was a small boy, he would cry to a locket containing a picture of his mother, hoping that she'd come to life and take him away from this horrible place. This never happened.

Though he didn't want to, his father was forced by the king's laws to send him to school.

"Lousy, ugly, weak nerd. Just like my poor excuse for a son." He'd grumble everytime he was reminded of the king's law.

At school, John suffered a similar amount of abuse than he did at home. For one thing, since he was smarter than the other children, the children picked on him. His teacher, a man named James, was probably his only friend at school. He and John would spend recesses inside the school house, having scientific debates, and feeding his owl, Archillas. John felt safe here, rather than the gymnasium that the king's brother was sure to be built.

At the gym, the children were forced to partake in a game that combined combat, evasiveness, aim, and all other things that people should need. It was called Walküre Hölle, which literaly meant Valkyrie's Hell.

The game combined a series of obstacle courses and combat matches that left someone weak like john exhausted. sometimes, he thought that the game was just made for him to be tired, so he would be easier to be beat up by the other children.

In fact, he thought about this as he ran away from the children screaming, "Get back here, monster-face!"

Now, you must be wondering why he was called that. it is another reason the children hated him. the boy had two eyes of different color, a wart on his chin, and he always had a bruse. not to mention the fact that he was entering puberty, and his face was covered in pimples. then, there was the fact that his nose was, not large, but non-porportionate to his face.

And thus, begins our terrible story, leading to his death. for, as he was running away from the bullies, he found a cave in the woods. And then, John's troubles started to relieve themselves.


message 2: by Khalif (new)

Khalif well, what does everyone think of it so far?


message 3: by Khalif (new)

Khalif hello! anyone there?


message 4: by Sarah, The Random Nerd (new)

Sarah (agentsd) | 11810 comments Mod
HERE NOW! I like it. :)


Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 2640 comments That sounds kind of scary. Tasty, but scary. XD


Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 2640 comments In other words, I like it so far. Is this...which book is this?


message 7: by Khalif (new)

Khalif it's just something I made. a non-femminist version of Disney.


Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 2640 comments I like it.


message 9: by Khalif (new)

Khalif thanks!


message 10: by Jocelyn (Ducky) (new)

Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 2640 comments You are very welcome.

That phrase has always perplexed me...


message 11: by Sarah, The Random Nerd (new)

Sarah (agentsd) | 11810 comments Mod
Khalifaziz wrote: "it's just something I made. a non-femminist version of Disney."

Actually it's a feminist version of Disney, since it's placing the main female character in a higher position than the main male character.


message 12: by Sarah, The Random Nerd (new)

Sarah (agentsd) | 11810 comments Mod
And to be most fair, you need to make him more attractive. 'Cause all of the princesses are gorgeous. It's just how Disney works.


Jessica (The Psychotic Nerd) (goldenfurproductions) | 4918 comments Bravo!
Show those Disney people what for!


message 14: by Khalif (new)

Khalif oh, SD, you haven't seen the girl yet. you'll see.


message 15: by Robin (new)

Robin | 5442 comments It's pretty good.

But to side with SD, in an opposite version of a Disney film the main character would be a guy, but a gorgeous guy. And yes, he would be poor, but then he would be saved by some fairly pretty or extremely talented princess.


message 16: by Sarah, The Random Nerd (new)

Sarah (agentsd) | 11810 comments Mod
Thank you Robin.


message 17: by Robin (new)

Robin | 5442 comments Any time, dearest friend.


message 18: by Jocelyn (Ducky) (new)

Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 2640 comments @Robin: Boy, would I like to see that.


message 19: by Robin (new)

Robin | 5442 comments Ha ha, who wouldn't, Ducky?


message 20: by Ingrid (new)

Ingrid i like it. very well written, constructed, and thought out! Mind if anyone here read mine for critique?


message 21: by Jocelyn (Ducky) (new)

Jocelyn (Ducky) (ducky113) | 2640 comments I saw your poems. They were good! A little odd, but good. My favorite was the Dark Moonlight one. It seemed very foreboding.


message 22: by Ingrid (new)

Ingrid thanks. ((if you like them you can click the like button)))

i really need critique. But i stuck to poetry because when i use too many descriptives in sentences they become choppy. Again yours was brilliant!


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